Tiger, Tiger

So the truth is out. The sad, ugly truth.

I am not referring to Tiger Woods having at least 10 affairs. I am referring to our reaction to this news.

Tiger Woods is not superhuman, despite our own efforts to make him so and to exalt him to a status of "squeaky clean." Truth is, not one of us is squeaky clean, but people's perception of us can easily be.

The real news story is not that Tiger Woods had affairs. It's that we're so surprised.

Women get cheated on every single day. Men do too. Infidelity is and has been a reality for centuries. Have we tricked ourselves into believing we have evolved? Why do we expect better or different now when . . .

- Our life expectancies have increased almost 40% in the last 100 years.
- Our medicine and health have improved - with plenty of drugs to help out with sex.
- Our media is SATURATED with sexual imagery and the objectification of women.
- Our values - especially marriage - are constantly changing.

The problem with marriage is not that it's more dysfunctional now. The problem is that we KNOW they are dysfunctional and we're settling for it. We don't work hard at marriage because we don't work hard at being sane and good single people either. Tiger Woods' issues are not with his marriage alone. They are with him.

And he had these problems long before he was a household name. Some say, he's just a dog. Well, if life were that simple, we would all sleep happier. Just stay away from dogs, and you'll be fine. Sorry.

No, Tiger is a man. A man is fallible. We already know this. Why are we so shocked, like he's the first guy to get caught cheating on his wife? People are saying "Oh no, why Tiger?" I say "Why not?"

Once again, being good at something wins our hearts and minds. Michael Jackson was a great performer and we loved him. But squeaky clean? Hmmmm . . . no.

Michael Richards made us laugh every week on Seinfeld. Squeaky clean Hmmmm . . . no.

Barack Obama has taken a position that will inspire generations of young people to believe anything is possible. Squeaky clean. Hmmmm . . . no.

Yet when each of these people find themselves in sticky situations, everyone is like "HUH? WHAT? WOOWWWW!!"

Question: When did people stop being people?
Answer: When we decided to worship them.

While I am not surprised at Tiger's infidelities, I do use it as a cautionary tale for myself. It reminds me of two old sayings:

1. Fame ain't all it's cracked up to be.
2. God don't like ugly.

That's my ugly, your ugly, and Tiger's ugly. Let's keep Tiger in our hearts and in our thoughts. He's still the exact same person we exalted to such high position in our culture. We just now see more of him. Does this make him less of a hero? I don't think so.

But let's not worship him, and worship someone/thing that truly is worthy.

- Funkyman (No not me!)

Refusal to Upgrade

This is Funkyman, reporting live from behind enemy lines of morning Study Hall, until later today, I'll be immersed in tech week for the American Repertory Theater's production of "Best of Both Worlds." I'm still alive. I repeat . . .

I'M STILL AL (BRRRSSTT) OH NO THERE'S A STUDENT CHEATING ON AN EXAM (BRRRRSSTT) COMMUNI (BRRRST) TION IS BREAK (BRRRSST) UP. HAVE TO (BRRSSSTT) BLOG NOW.

Welcome to the Adventures of Funkyman everyone, where I'm doing my best to keep you abreast of what's ticking in my mind since I rarely see all of you, and those I do see, I don't get to talk to. So . . .

Here I am to write stuff
Here I am to blog now
Here I am to say that I'm OK
You're altogether lovely
Altogether cool too
Altogether wonderful you're here

That was for all of my Christian friends. For my non-Christian friends, this one's for you . . .

Hell is very hot
But you've never read haikus
about damnation

Just kidding! Truth is I should switch those poems around for my friends - but that's ANOTHER TOPIC FOR ANOTHER DAY.

Now back to the show.

I am neck deep in this show with rehearsals, score writing, and organization through e-mails. Yes, e-mails. Remember a world WITHOUT e-mail? Me neither. How did we get anything done?

Though I've embraced life through the internet, I fought it pretty hard. I have a history of fighting technology. The irony of technology is of course, it's existence is to make our lives easier and more efficient, though often it works the other way around, thus with commerce being what it is. Just like your car, it's more lucrative to create a car that needs maintenance and repair than to make one that does not.

Below is a list of my refusals to upgrade technology.

CD's
When the compact disc came out, I was obsessed with audio cassettes. Every album I had ever owned was on cassette. My first full length cassettes were "Rapper's Delight" from the Sugar Hill Gang, "Ladies Night" from Kool and the Gang, and Roger Troutman's "The Many Facets of Roger" (solo - no Zapp gang). I got these tapes as a gift from my parents for winning the grand prize in my school's Homecoming. Yes, I was the Homecoming king in 6th grade, and while you're sitting there laughing, I GOT A STEREO. Yes, a stereo with a record player, a radio, and a TAPE PLAYER. DEAL WITH IT! Now who's laughing?

I loved that stereo. I loved my tapes. I bought more - Daryl Hall & John Oates, The Clash, Michael Jackson, Luther Vandross, etc. etc. until I amassed quite a neat library for a young man.

Then it happened.

In the mall, a man stood there with these shiny round things called CD's. He was doing demonstations like throwing the CD across the mall like a frisbee, going over there to step on it, then picking it up, placing it in the machine, and out comes "Like a Virgin" from Madonna. The sound quality was really good, and you could go from song to song with the push of a button. Everyone was like "WOW." Everyone except Funkyman.

You see, I happened to like the low end noise I heard before my albums began. I kind of liked being able to fast forward to a section of a song I liked (a feature not availlable when CD's first came out). And I didn't think the sound quality was all that different, though it was. It didn't matter - THIS WAS HOW I EXPERIENCED MUSIC and now they wanted to change that. I said no.

I said no for years. I went to college - no CD's. Every mix TAPE I made, were directly from other cassetes I owned (don't get me started on cassingles!). I enjoyed spending a couple of hours to make a mix tape. I made a lot of them, and I still have them and use them today. By the time I graduated from college, maybe I owned 10 CD's because of gifts people gave me. I borrowed a used CD player from my brother. I couldn't have cared less. My tape collection grew and grew until finally, tapes started to become obsolete and CD "Stores" were now the norm. I eventually relented and began to actually buy my albums on CD sometime around 1994.

My album collection had reached about 600 strong on cassette tape, and now I own probably 1,000 CD's. I fought the good fight, though. What's this new thing called pm3? or 3mp or something? Whatever!


CELL PHONES
A short story. I REFUSED to get a cell phone until . . .

I had band rehearsal which required me to drive 30 minutes to the rehearsal space. I sat and waited for the rest of the guys to show up - no dice. I waited another half an hour before I drove off to find a pay phone. WHERE ARE ALL OF THE PAYPHONES? I found a payphone and it cost $.50. 50 CENTS! I looked for the quarters and plopped them in and called one of the guys. He said, we cancelled band rehearsal and left a message for you at your home phone.

"Well, how in the . . . . am I supposed to get a message from . . . home phone . . . . "

You can imagine the rest of that conversation.

I got a cell phone the next day. All I want to do is call somebody. I don't need the camera, or games, or web access, or texting or the mp3 player. Enough already. I used to get the phones that didn't have those features. Now, the lowest level phone has ALL of these features whether you want them or not.


COMPUTERS
Seriously, I could write a book on NOT upgrading computers. How annoying is it that when you drop over a thousand dollars on a computer, there is a new version of the operating system every few weeks AND often it causes the software you are currently running to go nuts, be slower, or not work at all - forcing you to spend extra time following up on support and downloads or even worse, purchasing new stuff for your "helper." Help me less, PLEASE.

I currently own 5 Macs. An iBook, a MacBook, an eMac, an iMac G4, and an iMac G5. Do you want to know why? Because I HAVE TO KEEP UP WITH TECHNOLOGY. The iBook gets slower and slower with each OS upgrade. The eMac and iMac G4 don't have WiFi capability (without spending hundreds of dollars on a slow Airport card). Only my MacBook and iMac G5 run with any
kind of reasonable expectation, and my wife and I take turns using them both for various projects.


BLACKBERRIES & IPHONES
To this day, I vow never to own a Blackberry or an iPhone because I don't want to create the compulsion to check and write e-mail wherever I am. I'm fine waiting until I get home. Fine for now, of course, until one day when I go to renew my cell phone plan, the only plan they offer will include e-mail and a FREE Blackberry. You think this is coincidence? No, it's all part of the master plan. They're going to tell us what we need and how to do it. However, if you have a mode of life that works for you, don't give in to the MAN! Stand beside me and fight with . . .

- Funkyman

Link-A-Thon Update

The Boston Globe did a nice feature on the show I'm working on. Nice picture of Funkyman too. If you missed it, here's a link to the story and a video of me rehearsing with Tufts.

Link-A-Thon

Hello Funklodites,

I have not written in almost a month because . . . well . . . I'M TOO BUSY.

Let me clarify that I chose my business, so I'm not complaining, only explaining why I haven't blogged. Blogging is a passion and really fun, but my time is being used in other ways these days that don't allow me to type during my normal study hall hours. I'm using that time now to catch up on e-mail . . .

Who invented e-mail? What did we do before e-mail again? I honestly don't know how I'd get anything done without it. Isn't that sad and scary somehow? Maybe not, but the truth is: If my computer breaks, my schedule is completely compromised. And for now, my schedule is completely saturated.

Here are some highlights of things I've been up to:

RYAN GOSLING CONCERT
Very cool experience. We received a lot of press and a lot of compliments, but the best gift was rocking out with the kids. I got to be one for about 60 minutes. Here is a video of one of the songs. And yes, that's me in the skeleton robe looking like something out of a 70's cult horror film.



And here are some reviews of the event:

Boston Globe

Boston Herald

SPIN Magazine


After the Boston Globe article came out, I got an e-mail from the publisher for Gregory Maguire (WICKED), inviting me to bring a choir to his new book release party. Funkyman is now the choir director to the stars, baby! OK, not really, but it was a nice offer.


AMERICAN REPERTORY THEATER
Long story short, I'm the associate director for a new musical at the ART called Best of Both Worlds. I would tell you the whole funky story of how that happened, but I'M TOO BUSY. Rehearsals are almost every day, I'm preparing several different area choirs, and there are 50 performances. No I didn't slip with a zero - 50. It's being directed by Tony-nominated director Diane Paulus (HAIR won the Tony this year), and the cast and crew are great people. Come check it out. It runs from November 21 - January 3. If say you know Funkyman, you'll get a discount up to 0 percent. But at least you can say you know Funkyman. Here's an article about the upcoming production and a link to the website.

Explore Boston Theatre Magazine

BOBW Official Site




CONFIRMATION CD RELEASE
On Saturday, November 7, my gospel ensemble Confirmation will be celebrating 10 years of making music and leading worship in New England. We have a brand new CD called Virtue that's the result of over 3 years of work in the studio. The concert will be at Greater Framingham Community Church at 7:00 p.m.

For more info, click here.


TUFTS GOSPEL CHOIR CONCERT
On Friday, November 20, the 200-voice Tufts University Third Day Gospel Choir will be in concert in Cohen Auditorium in the Aidekman Arts Center at Tufts University in Medford, MA. We will be joined by special guest Ayana McDonald. You do not want to miss this. Check it out!

You've probably already seen this video, but in case you haven't and since this is LINK-A-THON, here you go.


Enough for now, enjoy the video and audio treats, and I'll be back before you can say

PLEASE TAKE DOWN THOSE CHRISTMAS TREES. IT'S SEPTEMBER!

I'm not kidding, 1st week in September - Labor Day weekend - BJ's Wholesale club had the Christmas displays up and running. Did I ever tell you I don't like this time of year? If you missed that, click here.

And the LINK-A-THON KEEPS ROLLING ON!

- Funkyman

Scary Movies

I had a student ask me today, "What's the point of horror movies?" Of course, I responded simply "They help us deal with the fear of our own mortality" but I think that was too deep for 8:00 a.m.

The truth is, I didn't have a really good answer for that. Every movie genre has a higher purpose right?

The Purpose Of the Movie Genre:

Comedy - Obvious - laughter is the most human trait. Without it, we're dead.

Romance - Obvious especially if you're currently not in one.

Drama - Just a film version of the traditional theater. Theater teaches us lessons about life by portraying situations and characters we can relate to. It emboldens us as a culture and as a race to celebrate the victories of life and to illustrate its downfalls.

Westerns - The good and evil ying and yang played out on the open landscape of the desert is a perfect model to tell tales of human emotion and morality. Because the background is so vast, it forces us to focus on the characters. Brilliant, really.

Science Fiction - Both sci-fi and fantasy basically do the same thing as the Western, but this genre is difficult to master as one can get caught up in the science, fiction, or fantasy details, and miss the story. That's why there's so much garbage out there - too much flash (which CAN be cool done correctly) and not enough substance.

Documentary - We know that this genre is popular (reality shows), but the historical documentary is a true art form. A well-done documentary can teach more info, reach more people, and do it faster than any class. If only all learning could be this simple.

Have I left one out? Oh yeah, Horror.

Here is a list of 10 horror movies that made me jump in my seat in the movie theater OR at home.

Nightmare on Elm Street - Saw this at a summer camp in 1986 with a bunch of other high-school kids. I was only 15 and had only seen two R-rated movies before (The Terminator and Purple Rain). I figured this would be my third. Big mistake. The Terminator was thrilling, but Freddie Krueger? Not Cool (that means scary) I wasn't prepared for the trippy, dream-like sequences, and the chases. I thought I was dreaming and wouldn't wake up. The sequels that followed are mostly a joke, but when this movie first came out, it was clearly the king of all horror movies.

Salem's Lot - Stephen King's book has had a couple of film treatments, but this first one came on television as a mini-series when I was a wee child. If you've seen it, let's just say the scene where the vampire comes through the kitchen floor, THROUGH the kitchen table . . . NOT COOL.

The Descent - 6 women go spelunking in an uncharted cave and find they're not alone. Sounds simple but the only things scarier than what they find down there were the claustrophobic shots of them getting trapped in really tight places. This movie is really disturbing. I highly recommend!

The Ring - "7 days." It still sends a chill up the spine. And if you can actually sit there and tell me the last scene with the TV didn't have you screaming out loud - check your pulse. Very not cool.

The Sixth Sense - M. Night Shyamalan's first and best film - but Mischa Barton gets the credit for scaring the crap out of me. I'm sorry but the scene when the kid first meets her, vomiting, I wanted my mommy really bad. And then she grabs his leg from under the bed - HELP!

The Grudge - Laugh if you want, but that first scene in the attic is NOT COOL. And the Japanese girl's EYES? They haunted me for weeks after I saw it, and don't get me started on the little boy popping up everywhere.

Arachnophobia - Why I saw this movie when I already have a fear of spiders, I don't know. I suppose it's because I saw it with my best friend, Gus, and he, being a friend, would comfort me through this trauma. Of course, that did not happen. Rather, at the perfect moment when everything was going bananas on screen - spiders everywehre - Gus placed his full hand on my shoulder.

I have never used physical violence to hurt someone. At least not until that day. Not cool.

Misery - Can we just say the hobbling scene?

Pet Semetary - I saw this the day it came out at a large movie theater here in Boston which doesn't exist anymore (Cinema 57 anybody?) It was sold out and the only seats left were the FRONT ROW. My friends and I sat down, and if you don't know this film, let me just say that there's a scene with an 18-wheeler truck and a 1-year old baby on the street. Enough said.

I have never heard screaming like that - the audience went berserk! It was so bad that I missed the next couple of scenes of dialogue because people were still laughing and screaming.

That's right, laughing and screaming. I guess the answer to the question about horror movies is: actually, people like to be scared. Isn't that true? We like ghost stories and scary movies because when we're afraid, our heart beats faster, our adrenaline gets going, and watching all of this fear of pain, gore, and death, makes us feel . . . .

. . . . alive?

These and other questions answered by

- Funkyman

Journey On

The quest for what I want to be when I grow up continues. Please note that I say "what" I want to be and not "who." I already know who I want to be and I strive to be that person everyday, one day at a time - and believe, that's WAY more important. But I digress.

As for vocation, career, or simply "job," I've written before about the different areas of my life that have my head spinning about where to go next. If you missed that post, click here.

I've got a lot of different things going on in the next few weeks, but first up is this gig with Ryan Gosling. It seems that Academy Award nominee Ryan Gosling has formed a band and created a CD entitled "Dead Man's Bones." The songs were written for a play centered around a love story about werewolves and zombies. The music style is hard to describe, but I think it sounds like early Johnny Cash mixed with 80's David Bowie. Gosling has a cool voice.

They recorded the CD with a children's choir in LA, and now that they're going on tour, they're partnering with children's choirs in each city they perform. And for their Cambridge concert at the Middle East Downstairs, that choir would be directed by Funkyman. I handpicked 10 kids to form what I've dubbed "Coleman's Skeleton Crew" and we will be performing with Ryan Gosling on Wednesday, October 14 at the Middle East Downstairs at 9:00 p.m. Come check us out! Maybe he'll sign my "notebook." Get it? I'm so clever, not!

Check a video of the band here. I think it's pretty cool.

I'll write next week about some more of mi vida loca.

- Funkyman

Testosterone Overload

Hello Funkynation! I am back and rather than kick off my return with a bunch of jokes and funny stories, I'm going to say something that really has been bothering me.

When Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech, I said, "Wow, he has redefined the word 'asshole.'" By inferring that Beyoncé was done an injustice by losing the award, he insinuated that there was something wrong with the awarding process - and since he already has a history of being outspoken on racial issues - one could only assume he was referring to the fact that the black girl didn't win even though she supposedly had the superior product.

Truth be told, if Toby Keith had gotten up on that stage in the name of Taylor Swift to interrupt Beyoncé's acceptance speech, not only would everyone in America have called him an "a"-hole, but surely a racist AND there would have been a RIOT followed by a march on Washington and a boycott of MTV, led by Al Sharpton. You know I'm right, and I have nothing against any of these people - but even I can admit that would have been my reaction. Kanye West is hiding behind the history of oppression in this country as an excuse for the finger-pointing double-standard and getting away with murder. He knows full well we have sufferred as a people - that's no right to do what he did.

What's wrong with this picture is obvious, but then something else struck me. Everytime (most everytime - Cynthia McKinney) someone gets caught in public doing something disgraceful concerning racial prejudice - whether black or white - it's a man. You have read on my blog over the years about how race is a huge issue in this country and that people need to be sensitive to the existence of its ills and misfortunes caused by them. However, let's look at the history of my entries on this subject: MLK's Birthday, Michael Richards' use of the "n" word, Jeremiah Wright & Obama, OJ Simpson, Three 6 Mafia winning an Oscar, Don Imus and his comments, and now Kanye West.

And let's not forget our beer buddies Obama, Crowley, and Gates - who this summer put on quite the show. I'll give the synopsis:

Crowley: Sir, can I see your ID?
Gates: How dare you ask for my ID! Even though I have experienced actual racial prejudice in the past, I'll show you how smart and famous I am by screaming, talking about your mother, and threatening to make a documentary about police abuse.. What are you going to do about it?
Crowley: How dare you question my asking for your ID! I'll show you what I can do about it. You're under arrest, even though the charges will be dropped because you and I are both being pretty silly.
Obama: Hey stupid, leave him alone. Oh, my bad. Let's have a couple of cold ones and allow photographers to see us drinking in our suits because we want the children of America to know . . .

Crowley/Obama/Gates: ". . . THERE'S NO RACE PROBLEM THAT A LITTLE ALCOHOL CAN'T SOLVE."

Now, was this about race? Or was it about MEN? Men who get insulted and indignant and use whatever power they have to put some other man in the position of subordination. Gates KNEW he had right on his side and was going to teach Crowley a lesson. Crowley KNEW he had the law on his side, and was going to show Gates how to respect the police. Obama KNEW he was the president and could get away calling the police stupid. But all they ended up KNOWING was that this was a mess.

Was anyone thinking with their brain in these instances? I would argue no. Would women have gotten caught up in a similar situation and allow it to escalate? I would again argue no.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH US MEN? Have I been subject to the same curse of the Testosterone? I'm starting to look back over my life and wonder about the things that upset me, things I stood up and fought for, and things I accused of others.

I think its time to reexamine, reevaluate, and redefine not what manhood IS, but what it should be. I want to be a good man, not just a man.

Poor Taylor Swift - another victim of the abuse of testosterone and alcohol - the two don't mix Kanye, despite what the president said.

- FunkyMAN-IN-TRAINING

It Has Begun

I know, I know . . .

100 Funkyposts and then I'm on vacation right? So sorry, but the summer got the best of me, and I was NOT relaxing, but I did get some amazing time with my family. Anyway, as the title suggests, I'm back to work for real.

I promise you a real entry in the days to come. I think I have an hour-long study hall on Tuesday . . . hmmmm . . .

- Funkyman

Life Suckers

Funkymaniacs, welcome to the 100th post of the Adventures of Funkyman! It's a celebration, so let's do what we love to do - read! (Somehow, that doesn't sound like a party.) This 100th post is entitled "Life Suckers." (Somehow, that doesn't sound like a party, either.) Anyway, thanks to all of you who do read and enjoy!

So, the lazy days of summer are moving along at a quick pace, and as I promised you before - here's some movie coverage.

Now, I have been watching a lot of movies over the last few weeks, but not so much in the theater. In theater, I've seen Star Trek, Terminator Salvation, Up, and Transformers Revenge of the Fallen. 3 of these 4 are sequels or reboots.

What is it about sequels? It's so rare that a sequel be so-so. It either is WAY better than the original or SO bad you want your life back. I for one have been catching up with a lot of movies on video - Forgetting Sarah Marshall (LOL), Iris & Abby (LOL), You Don't Mess With the Zohan (LOL), Underworld Rise of the Lycans (Zzzzzz), Wonder Woman (full length animated feature - very well done), Kung Fu Panda (great animation, so-so story), The Wrestler (Wow, amazing), Frost/Nixon (impressive), Bolt (very cute), Gone Baby Gone (WHOA - SO GOOD!), and Babylon A.D. ( . . . . .

Babylon A.D. is officially in my list of worst sci-fi movies I've ever seen. How do you achieve such an honor? Here is the top 5 list of hours I WISH I could get my life back but can't.

Babylon A.D.
To achieve this honor, you have to defy simple logic, do things that are hilarious when you're trying to be cool, or be just plain stupid. Without going into too much detail, this movie is a blatant ripoff of Children of Men and Minority Report and as a sci-fi movie, it's lacking in much science. The result is a poor action movie that doesn't even have a gratifying payoff in any of the scenes and especailly the ending. You ever feel like you've been cheated and want your money back? No? See this movie.

The Fifth Element
Bruce Willis, I know, I know, I love him too but MAN! I usually don't have a problem with clichés but you know what this movie is about? A cab driver finds himself in an intergalactic plot to bring together the five elements. Except the fifth element is a girl - a weird girl that he can't quite figure out. All he knows is that he must bring her to the sacred temple of the elements - Fire, Water, Air, Earth and as we learn in the film, the girl turns out to be . . . LOVE.

No, not love "Bruce Willis falls in love with the girl." No, she's actually LOVE in human form.

I need a minute to scream again.




OK, I'm good.

Oh, and Jesus called - he wants his job back.

Event Horizon
Clue - whenever a movie has big-name actors starring in a sci-fi/horror movie - RUN! They signed on for the picture because on paper it looked cool - but as we all know, a cool idea does not always become a cool reality. This is never more true than with Event Horizon - a movie about a spaceship that disappears and then reappears after several years, and the investigators learn that the ship . . . IS ALIVE . . . AND IT'S EVIL. Insert ridiculous plot and dialogue here.

Battlefield Earth
L. Ron Hubbard's metaphoric novel about capitalism run amuck set in the distant future is considered a sci-fi classic. John Travolta's producing and starring as the ultimate alien antagonist is considered a sci-fi blunder rarely matched. It's impossible to believe that these aliens were supposed to stand 9-feet tall and when they open their mouths they sound like Swiper the Fox. Honestly, in the first few minutes of the movie, I thought I was watching a parody. As I learned this was the actual movie, I wanted to leave the theater - but I was intrigued to see how bad it really was.
I stayed.

I regret it.

This would be the worst sci-fi movie I've ever seen were it not for . . .

Highlander 2
Where do I begin? Well, let's start with Highlander 1 - one of the most original and cool fantasy movies ever made. The premise that there are immortals living among us - fighting throughout the centuries, decapitating each other until only one was left, all for the promise of a prize so amazing that no one could describe its power - is like the ultimate olympics. And the fact that the guy who makes it to the end is an underdog (Connor MacLeod) who had been trained by a man over 2,000 years old (Ramirez) made him a perfect character to root for. The catch phrase was "There can be only one." At the end of the movie, he wins, he's the last one, he gets the prize - Yay!

So the natural question is - Highlander 2? If "there can be only one," how can there even be a sequel? The title itself contradicts the premise of the first film! It turns out, hey he's not the last one after all - they are aliens, and it turns out there's a planet full of immortals just waiting to come to Earth.

Insert scream here.

Let's not forget that Highlander's teacher, played by Sean Connery, who dies in the first movie defending the Highlander's wife, is also back for more! HIS HEAD GOT CUT OFF! BUT NOW HE'S BACK! It seems all that Highlander had to do was just call his name - RAMIREZ!! - and POOF, he reappears.

Cue James Taylor - "You just call out my name . . . All you have to do is call/And Ill be there, yeah, yeah, yeah./Youve got a friend."

NO YOU DON'T!!!! HE'S DEAD!!!! Is that the secret? Can we just scream out the names of any of the fallen immortals and they all come back?

And last, in the first movie - yes they were immortal, but they felt real pain. After the Highlander's first encounter with a sword wound, he was comatose for days. 500 years later he stabs himself to prove he can't die, it hurts like the Dickens. They run and they get tired, etc. etc.

Not in the sequel.

There's actually a scene when Ramirez and MacLeod get sprayed with bullets. They just dust off their clothes and keep running, counting the number of holes in their clothes.

Hmph!

Alright, I've said it before, and I'll say it again - for sci-fi/fantasy films to be effective - THERE HAS TO BE AN ELEMENT OF PHYSICAL VULNERABILITY. Every great sci-fi film has proved this:

The Matrix - awesome - when Smith showed up, you ran like your life depended on it, because IT DID. In the sequel, Neo is Superman and can fight hundreds of Smiths with one hand - Where's the fear? NOT COOL.

The Empire Strikes Back - awesome - Luke's HAND GETS CUT OFF! Oh poor Luke, want some anesthetic for that cut? How 'bout Darth Vader is YO DADDY? NOOOOO!!!

Raiders of the Lost Ark - awesome - several ridiculous near misses, but Indy bleeds in a fight and is genuinely afraid of SNAKES! This makes him REAL!

Iron Man - awesome - Tony Stark is brilliant but has a HOLE IN HIS CHEST - if the battery dies, so does he.

Serenity - awesome - I mean did you see that last fist fight? Everybody is black and blue - the doctor is shot, the pilot gets killed, Reynolds can barely walk back to the ship - they win but they had to take some serious losses in order to do so.

OK, I just named five of the best sci-fi/fantasy movies I've ever seen. I've definitely covered this topic before, but hey, it's summer. And as much fun as I've had catching up on movies, summer will soon be over for

- Funkyman

Clone Wars

OK, I know it's been almost 3 weeks. So I'm not updating as much as I wanted to. Maybe this will make up for the delay.

So, while visiting Martha's Vineyard this weekend to celebrate 12 years of marriage to my lovely wife, Fadie, I'm picking up a few things at a Stop & Shop in Vineyard Haven. While at the register, a customer comes up behind me and says "Oh my gosh." I turned to look at her and she says, "Oh I'm sorry, I thought you were Denzel Washington."

I'll pause while you laugh.

No, this was not a smooth come-on. This was an elderly woman who . . . . hey, wait a second, maybe it was a . . . . I digress. No, she ACTUALLY thought I was DENZEL! It seems that Denzel is sporting a goatee in his new movie, The Taking of Pelham 123. I, too, wear this same facial hair, and have for almost 20 years.

Have you ever been mistaken for someone famous? I must imagine some of you have.

Here are the three famous people I've been confused with in my lifetime. Enjoy!


Sinbad
Of all of the celebrities I've been compared to, this is the biggest stretch. But, as far as light-skinned African Americans with goatees go, he and I are in the same category. Of course, Sinbad has red hair, and I do not (thank goodness).

Sinbad is one of the funniest stand-up comics I've ever seen. He made my top 10 list earlier this year. Click here if you missed it. I could only dream of being as funny as this guy.




Fred Hammond
The person I've been compared to the most in my life is Fred Hammond. He's got the physical attributes like Sinbad, except black hair like me, but he also is a prominent musician in the Gospel music world. When people see me in front of a choir or just speaking in a church, I get "Hey Fred!" I can honestly say this has happened hundreds of times, it's amazing. While when you look at us side by side, we are very different, even I was taken aback at the cover of his Pages of Life CD where I stopped and went "Wow. That really does look like me."




Heavy D



Since the 80's, this particular rapper was popular not because of his size (the brother could seriously dance!), but because he had one of the best voices in rap. When his first album came out and he was rapping "Mr. Big Stuff" and chanting "the overweight lover's in the house!", his name suddenly became my own. Yes I was heavy. Yes, my name starts with "D." It wasn't a stretch. BUT, the worst part was that this guy actually looked like me! Or I looked like him - whatever! Decide for yourself.

Funny story - I was in Washington, D.C. in the Union Square Mall Food Court and after I got my food, the woman behind the register said, "It's OK. It's free." I looked puzzled and said, "Are you sure?" She said, "Yeah, you're Heavy D, right?"

A good Christian would have politely told her the truth and paid for the food.

Of course, that's what a GOOD Christian would have done.

- Funkyman

Serial Cereal Lawyer

The school year is at an end which means my Study Halls are at an end which means most likely my weekly posts to the Adventures of Funkyman are

STILL GOING STRONG BABY!

Thought I was gonna punk out, huh? Nope. I'll do my best to keep it going. Of course, loyal readers know that summertime is guided by what movie is out that week. So far, I've been so busy that all I've seen is Star Trek, and I have to say I enjoyed it, though I know a few people who were disappointed. Those who were are people over the age of 30 who seem to expect more complex storylines and socially conscious plots. My response is, "Whatever happened to just being a fun movie?" Of course, their reply is - "That's fine - but Star Trek has too much history being a ground-breaking, thought-provoking vehicle of sci-fi. Of course we expected more." And to that, I grant you your valid opinion. However, I still thought it rocked. Here's why.

I like to check my mind at the door. Yes, sometimes I like to see movies that are thought-provoking, but it's MAY MAN!!! SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS BABY!!! Name me ONE Summer blockbuster movie that was deep and thought provoking. I'll wait . . .

Exactly. Star Trek was billed as a summer blockbuster - not the ultimate Trek fantasy. Mission accomplished if you ask me. I doubt we're going to see finer entertainment the entire summer, but then again, the summer is young.

In other news, a woman sues Capn' Crunch cereal makers because she believed for 4 years that Crunchberries were made with fruit.

I'll pause for a moment.




Wow.

There are just not enough words to express how insane this case is, but worse than the plaintiff is the lawyer who actually went to school, passed the bar, and took this case to court. Did you know this same lawyer tried to sue Kellog's for false advertising with Froot Loops? Did you know that Froot Loops are not made with fruit? SHOCKING.

Now of course, the judge threw the case, the lawyer, and this woman out of court, because it's so ridiculous. However, the woman and the lawyer were serious. They felt they had a point. Therefore, it got me to thinking. What other cases could they come up with if this is their criteria for a lawsuit? Would they sue Boo Berry, Franken Berry, and Berry Berry Kix for the same reasons? Maybe if we try hard enough, one of thesee lawsuits will stick, and PAYDAY BABY!

Here's my list of why I should sue the makers of:

Batman cereal - Your honor, for years I ate this cereal because I thought my parents' would get killed in an alley and I would become a billionaire martial artist. I'm asking for 16 million dollars for emotional damages, and because I've given up on the pursuit of being a billionaire. I'll take being a millionaire.

Cocoa Pebbles - Your honor, I present to you that this cereal led me to believe that I was eating chocolate flavored rocks, when indeed, there were no rocks at all. The box clearly states 8 essential vitamins and MINERALS. False advertising! 35 million in reimbursement because while they are not rocks, this cereal is the BOMB! I consumed quite a few boxes.

Grape Nuts - Your honor, General Mills needs to answer for the creation of this cereal because it's just NASTY! 80 MILLION! PLEASE!

Trix - After years of studying for my school spelling bee, it was down to me and that girl who won the Scripps Howard this year. The word was "tricks." You can imagine what happened next. I need 100 million dollars for pain and suffering.

Lucky Charms - Your honor, in all my years of patronizing this breakfast cereal, a leprechaun has never granted me a wish. Some lucky charms! Yes sir. Excuse me? Yes, I did eat the purple horseshoes. Yes sir, I indeed ate the pots of gold. I'm not a fool. Sir, let's not belabor this point, yes I ate the red balloons, leprechaun hats, shooting stars. YES I ATE THE HOURGLASS, TOO - NO LEPRECHAUN! I REST MY CASE!

If you choose to pursue any of these lawsuits, by law I would receive 50% for giving you the idea. Please forward any monies you would make from these cases to

- Funkyman

Media "By Us"

I have heard my entire life that the media is biased.

"There are good things that happen in the community too, but the news won't cover that."
- said almost every day in the inner city

"The left wing liberal media machine elected Obama president."
- said by sore losers (it didn't stop Bush from being elected twice.)

"How come everytime a politician makes a mistake, he's a politician. But when a black politician messes up, he's the 'African-American' Mayor?"
- said after the Marion Berry debacle

"Why is Al Sharpton so mad, and what does he care? What's the big deal? Imus insults everybody, including himself!"
- after the Imus misogyny and racial slurs (Al Sharpton doesn't control the media BTW. If he did, they would bring light to the 100 good causes he speaks out for on a weekly basis - and I am no supporter of Al Sharpton)

"Man, that's messed up - the media made it sound like he killed somebody or something!"
- said by anybody watching the OJ Simpson murder trial who also happened to be brain dead.

True or not, the media is not completely to blame. There are several factors that contribute to them having to exit the school of journalism into sensationalism. The biggest one is that WE WATCH. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that when there's an accident on the highway, the ensuing traffic is because everyone wants to see tragedy in real time. The media is not mindlessly feeding on this. We ARE the media.

That being said, I recently have been upset by some of the recent coverage of the flu epidemic and how it's affected our communities. Here are some things the media really likes to make fun of:

Organized Religion
There is no shortage of news stories when anything bad happens inside, outside, or concerning a church. For example, the top news story on Monday was "Police Officer Attacked in Church." The story reads that an officer was responding to what sounded like a fight inside a church, and when the officer approached, two people attacked the officer. You would think by the headline that these two people were members of this church during an actual service, but by the time you finish the article, clearly this happened after hours, and these two people neither belonged to this or any church. Made for a good headline though. It got my attention. The question is, of all of the disputes police broke up on Monday, why was this the lead story?

Do you know how many lives are transformed in church every Sunday? Do you know how many millions of stories there are of people surviving and conquering abuse, addiction, oppression, incarceration, and violence every day, thanks to our local church? Where are these stories? Of course, we love to know the church's political stances on abortion and gay marriage, and we love to read about the holocaust for little boys in the Catholic Church. These things are very important, but come on - a little balance please.


Private Schools
Yes, the media thinks that people who go to private schools have a high opinion of themselves - so let's GET 'EM! Last week when several schools closed for a few days due to the number of absences due to illness, I heard on the radio "Boston Latin School, Fessenden, Winsor School, and the PRIVATE DANA HALL SCHOOL all closed." Umm . . . last time I checked Fessenden and Winsor were pretty private. And why is that even a criteria for the story? What's the difference between public and private in this story since the list included both?

I then get a call from a reporter at the Boston Globe - "Hi, we're doing a story on school closings and want to know if your Chamber Singers still plan to sing the National Anthem at Fenway Park on Sunday." Huh? Why do you need to know that? I mean, the only way you know we're singing at a Red Sox game is because it's on the website, so you KNOW we're going to sing, and if we weren't going to - WHAT BUSINESS IS THAT OF YOURS? The Red Sox is a private organization and they can get anyone they want to sing the anthem. Why do you need to report that? We've sung the anthem for 3 years, and NOW the Globe needs to know.


Celebrities
Why anyone would want to be famous in this day and age is beyond me. Fame for 1 percent of the celebrities is awesome, but for the other 99, it's a train wreck. And the second something looks out of place in your life . . .

ACCESS HOLLYWOOD
"Tonight, we learn that OJ Simspon probably DID kill his wife." Whoa! Really? Is that news? Do I care that this week's blond teen celebrity had a bad night with drugs and alcohol? Do I care that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie snubbed Jennifer Aniston? Do I care that Oprah's school for girls had a sexual misconduct case? Do I care?

no

But somebody must, otherwise they wouldn't keep covering these stories. Like I said, WE are the media. Truth is at the end of the day, if we want the media to "cover" better news, we have to stop reading and buying the bad stuff. You've already begun that journey by paying your weekly visit to

- Funkyman

Name Calling

My life right now is RAGTIME, which is an epic story, but also an epic score and production. I can honestly say that I've never done a show bigger than this with lightning fast scene changes and so much singing and playing, there are only a few moments that the music stops, and then only for less than a minute. That being said, it's a lot of fun and the cast is incredible. They are working very hard, and people will find it hard to believe this is a high school production.

Dana Hall School and Belmont Hill School present RAGTIME this Friday and Saturday, May 15 and 16 at 8:00 p.m. in Bardwell Auditorium - 37 Cameron St., Wellesley, MA 02482. Only $5! This is easily a $15 show - come and get the bargain of a lifetime.

As for Funkyman, the piano playing is intense with a lot of left hand work - true to the genre of rag, which Scott Joplin popularized at the turn of the 20th century. While it's been a while, playing rag is not new to me. In fact, when I was a kid, my nickname was Gershwin or Gersh for short.

That's right, Funkyman is NOT my real name. Calm down. I've been called several nicknames throughout my life. Here are some of my favorites:

Jackson
In High School, my Latin teacher called on me one day, but called me "Jackson." While I and the rest of my class were dumbfounded, he sheepishly admitted that there was another student he used to have in class years ago named Jackson. The embarrassing part was that Jackson was also African-American. Ouch. Embarrassment noted.

However, the movie "Action Jackson" had just come out, and my classmates couldn't resist. "Hey Jackson!" "Action Jackson, what's your faction?" "Any satisfaction, Jackson, or just cracks in your back-sion?" Raise your hand if you're glad high school is over!

Actually, I miss those guys. I just got an e-mail from a guy I haven't seen in over 20 years, and he said "What's up Jackson?" Definitely brought a smile to my face.

Gershwin
I was at a summer camp for music, and I was playing the Gershwin Preludes for Piano. Somebody started a rumor that I could play "Rhapsody in Blue" and the rest is history. I don't think most of those kids ever knew my real name. And to this DAY, people who went to that camp 25 years ago call me Gershwin. I always liked the name, and yes, it made me feel special. But I never did play Rhapsody in Blue (not that I couldn't try now.)

At the final recital, I played a Gershwin piece called "Rialto Ripples." And I FORGOT the middle. Tune in next time about memory loss. No time this week.

Mark Cole
My group, Confirmation, sang at a large function in a hotel ballroom and there was a very nice program for the event. In the program, it listed all of the songs to be performed that evening, along with the corresponding songwriters/composers. Next to Confirmation's songs, it said, by "Mark Cole."

I wrote every one of Confirmation's songs. I went to the person in charge and said, who's "Mark Cole." They said, "He wrote these songs." I said, "I was there when the songs were written, and I'm pretty sure Mark wasn't there. I'm David Coleman." They said, "We know who you are, but who's Mark Cole?"

EXACTLY!

Confirmation still calls me Mark Cole as a joke.

Mr. Coolman
A nickname given to me by students at the first school I taught at. This was pre-Funkyman, so I couldn't correct them. Coolman just seemed such a simple play on my name, but they seemed to like it. Whatever. Better "Coolman" than . . .

Loser
Man, that girl was crazy! I didn't want to dance with her anyway!

Sugar Butt
My students tell me they get honked at and whistled at all the time. Now I know how women feel, well sort of . . . Back in 1989, some girls called out to me from a car while I was walking down Massachusetts Avenue. "Hey, Sugar Butt!" I felt like a piece of meat! How dare they! My butt is clearly made of Equal. I am sugar free!

Papa
Best nickname ever. Of course, that's not a nickname really. It's who I am to the reason I wake up everyday. But for you, I'm still humbly . . .

- Funkyman

It Has Begun!

Funkyman's Guide to Summer Movies 2009

Greetings Funkadians! It's that time of year AGAIN? I can't believe a year has gone by. I've been feeding my need for fantasy with Heroes (which ended last night), Lost (which is SO GOOD this season), Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles (which ended 3 weeks ago) and Battlestar Galactica (which ended as a series two months ago). So of course, it's time to feed on the fantastic feast of film Hollywood features for us. Last blog, rhyming, this one alliteration baby!

Let's get started!

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (May 1) - You're nuts if you don't want to see this. The most popular comic book character in the world is Wolverine. I know, my fellow Superman fiends, yes it's true. While Superman is the most recognizable superhero and has had more success overall - when you consider Wolverine's only been around a few decades, he wins hands down. Besides, indestructable claws coming out of your hands will NEVER GET OLD.
Hugh Jackman so looks this part, and after some serious training, definitely has the arms to show for it. I can only pray the movie and the story matches its own hype. We'll see!

Star Trek (May 8) - You're double nuts if you don't want to see this. I HATE MOVIE PREVIEWS BECAUSE THEY MAKE THE MOVIE LOOK SO GOOD! I often don't watch the previews so I won't be let down, but MAN, this looks good. I'm already hooked and waiting for either a huge let-down or the Iron-Man of 2009. Which will it be?

Angels and Demons (May 15) - You're nuts if you WANT to see this in the theater. The prequel to the DaVinci Code (don't even get me started on that book! Didn't hate it, but can we say overrated? Oops, that rhymed.) Can anyone say DVD rental on Netflix with 10 friends pitching in for the fee?

Terminator Salvation (May 21) - May is a crazy month for blockbusters. Three huge franchises - X-Men, Star Trek, and Terminator - what more could we ask for? What . . .you say Batman/Christian Bale is John Connor? Well, enough said - where do I buy a ticket?

Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian (May 22) - Mmmmmm. I'll wait for the RottenTomatoes.com answer before diving in. No offense. Mildly enjoyed the first one.

Up (May 29) - Has Pixar ever let us down? Nope. I doubt this year will be the first time. A movie about an old man who turns his house into a giant hot-air balloon. I'm anxiously awaiting to see what the geniuses of storytelling and animation did this time.

Land of the Lost (June 5) - Let's see - Will Ferrell back in time with dinosaurs? I'll be there.

Year One (June 19) - Let's see - Jack Black, Michael Cera, and Christopher Mintz-Plasse (McLovin!) starring as cavemen? Will they run into Will Ferrell? Now that would be funny. However, I doubt that's going to happen. RottenTomatoes.com says . . . ?

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (June 26) - Hey, don't hate Michael Bay because he makes movies about giant intelligent robots that can change into vehicles. Hey, don't hate me because I want to see a movie about giant intelligent robots that can change into vehicles. Where's the error in this equation?

Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (July 1) - Do you notice a prehistoric theme here? Since the summer is usually pretty fun for family movies, I'm sure this will be no different.

Public Enemies (July 1) - Who will win the epic 4th of July weekend movie battle - the Ice Age kids' flick or the Michael Mann helmed Johnny Depp/Christian Bale (Yes that Batman/John Connor guy again!) take on John Dillinger. Machine guns and bank robberies are as American as apple pie. I think Public Enemies may have a chance.

Brüno (July 10) - Can Sasch Baron Cohen do it again? Borat took the world by surprise. I'm sure Brüno did too. I can't wait.

Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince (July 15) - Cue cash register sound - "Ch-ching" Does it even matter if it's good? Money in the bank.

G-Force (July 24) - Let's see - Nicolas Cage, Penelope Cruz, and Steve Buscemi voicing a Disney film about highly trained Guinea Pigs trying to take down an evil billionaire trying to destroy the world with household appliances. HUHHH?

G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra (August 7) - Let me just say that August sci-fi releases in general are bad. They put themselves in a position where there is little competition but still excitement over good movies earlier in the season. I'm sorry, but Dennis Quaid as Hawk? Wake me when it's over. I'm actually secretly rooting for this movie, but if it walks like a duck . . .

Of course, Destro, Cobra Commander, and even Serpentor are no match for the power of

- Funkyman - See you at the movies!

Connect

On Friday night, April 17, 210 students of the Tufts Third Day Gospel Choir will converge on stage in Cohen Auditorium at Tufts University for their Spring Concert which is themed "Stop. Look. Listen." Everytime I stand in front of this group, I am blessed to see the many different faces from many different places now occupying the same spaces, and being exactly what the human race is. (I'm Funkyman . . . I rhyme.) Some wear braces. (I'll stop now.)

We meet once a week in a Concert Hall, where I have to stand on stage while they sit in the audience, because it wouldn't work the other way around. You might think a choir that size has the potential for enormous sound and power. You'd be right. Of course the catch is, in a choir that size, it's easy to not give your all when there are 90 other altos there to sing your part. (You know I love you altos!) Therefore, my job as the director is to coach them into giving their all when seemingly 50% would be OK. We don't want OK. We want SYNERGY. Truly a waste is when those traces won't happen without focus and energy stasis. (Still rhyming baby! I'm so done now!)

In order to direct any choir for 2 hours or more, you have to be a storyteller, comedian, preacher, and politician (the good listening kind). Here are some of my favorite choir director moments - some funny, some embarrasing.

FIRE
I often use metaphors to get the choir to sing out more. Most recently, I told Tufts gospel choir I would be on fire to encourage them.
I wrote:

Bring lots of water, because I will be on FIRE.
Bring asbestos shirts, because I will be on FIRE.
Bring marshmallows and a stick, because I will be on FIRE.
STOP, DROP, AND ROLL, because . . . you get the point.
I have to stop typing now, because my keys are melting from the FIRE.

When I got to rehearsal that Friday, some students came up to me on stage to deliver two large bottles of Poland Spring and a bag of Jet-Puffed Marshmallows. I laughed my head off. And yes, for that concert, they brought the FIRE! Face This! (HA!)

Here's a video clip of our concert from April 2008.




CANCER?
I love puns. Sometimes they just come out of my mouth without forethought. Once I was passing out lyric sheets to a new song in a gospel choir rehearsal, and I asked does anyone need one?

A student said, "We need two more."

I said, "No, that's cancer."

Dead silence. "Tu-mor." Get it?

One of the few awkward silences I've had to live through. ALLLLLL RIIGGHHTYYYY THHHHEENNNNN!

Thank God for their GRACES. (And it won't stop!)


BEASTIE BOYS
I was a new teacher at school and I had my first choir rehearsal. They didn't know me at all. I came in the middle of the school year, and they were quite used to their old director. Therefore, to separate myself from the old director, I decided to do something few teachers would dare to do even after years of employment. I RAPPED!

No not a complex freestyle or a full song even. No, I had Beastie Boys' Paul's Boutique in my head that day, and this was totally unplanned. While I began class and did attendance, I told everybody that I would call their name like this:

"David Coleman's in the house - Whatcha gon' do?"

And they were to respond simply - "I go AWOLLLLLLLLL!"

Simply, right?

So I'm up there like - "Matt Beach is in the house, whatcha gon' do?"

Matt says - "Uh, present?"

I didn't let it phase me - "Olivia Charles is in the place, whatcha gon' do?"

Olivia says - "Here."

I can't let these kids see me sweat. I go through the entire choir - about 40 names. And then, like at the end of the roster, my hero saved me.

"Hillary Wyon's in the house, whatcha gon' do?"

And Hillary said - "I go AWOLLLLLLLLLL!"

YES! Everyone looked at her, and she's like - "Come on, this is cool."

And so it was. One person made a difference, not just in the minds of her classmates, but for her teacher, whom she didn't even know.

Thanks, Hillary. My coolness is still in tact. You can't PHASE THIS! (ONE MORE!)



TOO HIP-HOP
I often describe gospel concerts as parties. They are supposed to be a celebration of life, each other, and the Creator. Therefore, in order to make students make that connection, I tried to get them to have fun in rehearsals, calling out and encouraging each other to sing and have a good time. Of course, some parties are NOT holy.

In my first semester at Tufts as the director, I had one student, bless his heart to get a little too excited. Here we were singing about God and how we should praise Him, and he's like "HEELLLL YEAHHHH!"

Needless to say the ensuing laughter was pretty much the end of rehearsal that day.

Yes it was hilarious, but for a concert, we couldn't in good conscience DISPLAY THIS!



FARBALAUREATE
OK, I'll try to explain this quickly.

1. At Dana Hall, the select choir is called the "Chamber Singers."
2. We once did a double-chorus piece called "The Echo Song", where we jokingly called one group the "Chamber Singers" and the other the "Fake Chamber Singers" as they were always only the echo of the first group. This group lovingly became know as the "Famber Singers" for short.
3. At the end of the school year, we decided to have a social event which ended up being a Barbeque.
4. The Chamber Singers Barbeque became the Charbeque for short.
5. As a joke we referred to the event as the Farbeque anytime we accidentally gave out the wrong information - day, time, what to bring, etc.
6. The Barbeque was around the same time as Commencement and the prerequisite Baccalaureate.
7. The combined events became the Charbalaureate, or as we preferred to joke and say, the "Farbalaureate."

Now you know the derivation of this completely meaningless word. No, this story doesn't have anything to do with choir singing or making connections as a director per se, You have truly gone neck deep into the world of

- Funkymazes (OH!)

Show and Tell - Me

At my daughter's school, they have something called the "Treasure Key." It's a old-fashioned door key that's on a string, and whoever gets the key gets to bring in a treasure and share it with the class - basically show and tell. The students get to ask questions of the person holding the key, and this "key bearer" feels like queen/king for the day. My daughter has already had the key 3 times this year (only 20 students in the class). Last week, she came home with the key and said, "Papa, will you be my treasure?"

It seems that recently, kids have been bringing in live people as their treasure - nannies, grandparents, etc. Well, Aimée thought it would be cool to show off her dad the musician - yours truly, Funkyman.

"I want you to bring a keyboard and play for us, Papa!" I thought, Oh my goodness, this is so sweet. I mean, really. I was absolutely honored, and I was so proud that my daughter chose me. So I prepared a grand presentation for her classmates.

I mean, not tooting my own horn, but I know a lot of songs, and I can play pretty much anything if I've heard it once. And since I've spent the last five years watching television and movies with my daughter, I was quite familiar with what I thought were all of the popular shows - Dora, Diego, Blue's Clues, Dragon Tales, Caillou, Backyardigans, Bob the Builder, Curious George, Wonder Pets, etc.

I repeat, what I "thought" were the popular shows.

So I come to the school and wait in the hallway for my grand entrance. I've got a portable, battery-operated Yamaha keyboard in hand and a head full of tunes. I'm thinking, "These kids aren't going to know what hit them. I mean, I'm Funkyman. My daughter is about to be the coolest girl in school! Awesome!"

Then the door opens and my daughter comes out to escort me in. I walk into the classroom, and there they are - 20 5-year olds, sitting in a circle, with a chair at the head just for me. I said hello and explained that I was a musician, and that I could play songs they probably know. And with no hesitation, I stated, "Name a TV show or movie!"

The first girl raised her hand - "Monsters and Aliens."

"Right, that's the new Dreamworks CGI film. Didn't that just come out last week? Mr. Coleman hasn't seen that one yet. Sorry. Anyone else."

The second girl raises her hand - "Play BOLT!"

"Right, Bolt. Unfortunately, Mr. Coleman hasn't seen that one yet either."

The third girl raises her hand - "Play Drake and Josh."

"Is that a TV show? Hmmm, I haven't seen that show."

And then the question that I was dreading: "Well, what do you know?"

OUCH! OWNED BY A 5-YEAR OLD!!!!

The teachers go into panic mode, "Well Mr. Coleman, why don't you pick a song, and we try to guess what it is?"

"Yeah, that's a good idea! Here's the first one."

I play "Three Blind Mice." I don't know - it was the first thing that came to mind.

20 kids just stare at me.

OUCH! DUH, LOSER!! Obvioulsy these kids aren't sitting up at night watching Three Stooges on TVLand!

So finally, I pull out "Dora the Explorer." And you know what they said?

"Well everybody knows that."

OUCH! DISSED BY A 5-YEAR OLD!!!!

Then a boy says "Do you know Diaper Man?"

Everyone stopped and looked at him.

"Diaper Man? I don't think I've even heard of that character. Does he have a song?"

"No."

"OHHHH, KAAAYYYYY. Well tell me about Diaper Man."

He proceeds to tell me about Diaper Man and Cuckoo Man and some of their adventures. He thinks I'm really interested, but what he doesn't know is I'm preparing for my giant comeback. I'm listening for information so I can compose an original Diaper Man themesong in front of their very eyes. THEN THEY'LL KNOW THE FULL POWER OF THIS FULLY OPERATIONAL DEATHSTAR, I MEAN FUNKYMAN! When the teachers actually cut his story short (he was going on and on), I make my move.

"Well young man, how about I write a song right now about Diaper Man." And I begin playing my best superhero music. It's wonderful! After the intro, I begin singing "Diaper Man! Diaper Man! He flies through the air with a rattle in his hand. He's Diaper Man!" But before I could say the next line, the boy stood UP in the circle and screamed . . . "NOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S NOT RIGHT!!!!! THAT'S NOT RIGHT!!!!!!"

WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE???? I CAN'T WIN! It was then I realized that kids today, especially with older siblings, are watching Cartoon Network and other channels that my daughter either isn't allowed to watch or has no interest in. They also have an appetite for new and exciting things, and could care less about the 200 or so episodes of Blue's Clues I've sat through.

I'm probably making it sound worse than it was. I did play "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody," "Who Let the Dogs Out," and "High School Musical" songs off the top of my head which impressed them a little. I also sang part of a song I wrote about Aimée before she was born called "Expecting Aimée." And the "Name that Tune" game got a little better after the 3 Blind Mice debacle.

However, those kids reminded me that I'm not up on the times as much as they are. Younger people will always have the edge. It was a truly humbling experience for

- Funkyman

April Fools

Welcome back Funkadites!

April 1st is considered April Fools' Day, and while I could blog about the history of that commemoration, why should I? That's what wikipedia is for.

However, I can write about my experience with this day, which I have to admit is brief.

A lot of people know me as a teaser and a guy who cracks a lot of jokes, but I have to admit, I've only ever played ONE April Fools' joke - better known as a prank. Now, don't get me wrong, I've played plenty of pranks. But how many people can honestly say they've successfully pulled an April Fools' Day prank? I mean, it's APRIL FOOLS' DAY! Aren't people expecting to be tricked? I think that makes it that much harder.

Now for you readers out there that have successfully done this, I am anxious to hear about your experiences. Please comment. In the meantime, I'll tell you about my April Fools' joke that worked oh so well.

I get my sense of humor from my father. Anyone who knows my father, meets me and is like, "Wow, you're just like your father." Not only do we look alike, but we share several personality traits. My father is the king of pranks. I'll explain.

When he was in college (Howard University), he put vaseline all over the inside doorknob of one of his classmate's dormroom. As he tried to exit his room and discovered the greasy surprise, my father slipped a note under the door. "You've just touched fast-eating acid. Wash your hands in the hottest water you can find immediately." While the student screamed down the hallway and commenced to washing his hands with steaming hot water, my father came into the bathroom and said "Is the water hot enough?"

Another time, the Dean of students was walking through the campus and stopped beneath the window of the hall where my father lived. He and a friend got a bucket of water, and poured it on the Dean, running away for dear life. Of course, the Dean stampeded into the dorm and demanded answers, but as you can imagine, no one knew, and those that did, didn't talk.

Another time, he had a roommate who was an exchange student from Nigeria. One night while he thought the student was sleeping, another friend came in and asked my Dad how was the new roommate? Joking, my father said, "He's alright. I mean I went from having a room by myself to having to share." His friend said jokingly, "Why don't you just kill him?" My dad said, "Yeah, that's a good idea. Then it's back to normal." The next day, the exchange student had moved out and returned to Africa. My dad still feels bad about that one. Some punchlines don't work too well.

Anyway, when my dad graduated, got married and had three boys, he needed people to play jokes on, and of course we were no exception. We enjoyed hearing his stories of his college days and laughing with him, but we noticed that he had no stories of people tricking him or getting him back.

On the morning of April 1st one year, my father woke us up and said "Hey guys, no school today." We were barely awake of course and were elated at the news. We went back to sleep. 30 minutes later, he slammed the lights on screaming "Come on guys, you're late for school! APRIL FOOLS!"

We were late. And we were mad. Mad enough to get even.

We waited one year, and during that year, my older brother and I had some arguments (as brothers do) and my father was constantly getting mad at us and lecturing us to stop. We finally saw a way to get him back.

The following April 1st, my brother and I began to yell at each other. "I HATE YOU." "YEAH? GOOD!" "LEAVE ME ALONE!" "NO, I WON'T!" And then we wrestled each other to the ground and began to act as if this the fight of our life. We could hear my father running through the house top speed. We waited until the last second when he was upon us and looked up at him and said "APRIL FOOLS!"

I wish I had a camera. For the first time probably in his life, my father had been completely duped. I have never been more proud of anything my brother and I ever did. My dad had to smile and say "Wow. OK, you got me. You know I'm going to get you back right?"

It's been 28 years and he still hasn't. Should I relax, or wait for the real reckoning?

- Funkyman

The CD is Nigh!

Hello my fellow Funkericans,

Last week I wrote that I was not interested in pursuing fame. While that is true, that doesn't mean I don't like performing or sharing my gifts with the world. It's impossible to reach your fullest potential as an artist if you don't take the risk to share what you create. Besides all of the work I do with other people, there are a some songs that I keep for myself as a solo artist. And when those songs reach a critical mass, it's inevitable that I create a CD of the work. Here are my past solo projects:

"Feelings"
In 1988, I came to Boston to attend Boston University and I drove up from Memphis with my Mom with all of my stuff - keyboards and drum machines included. I set up my two keyboards, drum machine, sequencer, and 4-track recorder. In the last two years I had taken to songwriting as an interest, but I had written no songs with words - only instrumental compositions: synthesizer fantasies that were influenced by the music and movies of the day - hey it was the 80's! And then, enter Amanda. . .

Amanda was a girl that was in my freshman English class. Long story short, I asked her out, she said yes, called her up to plan, she said no. Typical story for any man out there reading this who ever had to ask ANYONE out. Dealing with rejection becomes part of the plan of life, but for me, it was the first time. That's right, Funkyman did not date in High School - another blog for another day.

Anyone, I took the rejection pretty hard and suddenly had all the inspiration I needed to write 8 songs about it, including the first song I ever wrote with words - "I Don't See What You Don't See In Me." I will spare you a copy of the lyrics, but you imagine they're pretty embarassing. The other 7 songs were instrumentals, but they told the story of me coming to college, meeting Amanda, getting rejected, and then having to deal with the pain. The whole thing was about 45 minutes long and I gave cassettes to my friends and family - that's right cassettes. CD's were just coming out and even then, there was no such thing as CD-R's or even computers that could read them.

Feelings was the best name I could come up with because really that's what every song explored - Joy, Love, Pain, Despair, Insecurity, and the Courage to carry on - yes melodramatic, but I was a 17-year old kid dealing with infatuation. And really, the project wasn't about Amanda - it was about me. The album was my way of getting the attention I needed after being denied. It worked.


Gospel
Between 1988 and 2000 I was a prolific songwriter, and almost every song I wrote had lyrics. My songs fell into two categories - gospel or not. Almost all of the gospel songs were performed by choirs I directed, and that's still true today. I've written very few gospel songs that I perform alone, and definitely not enough to fill an album. However, I have recorded 6 albums worth of gospel songs over the last 15 years. The "not" songs are a random collection of musical theater, rock, pop, R&B, and rap songs that have been used in many projects and collaborations. The best of those ended up on . . .


"Spirit of the Minstrel"
Available for sale here! Spirit of the Minstrel was my first CD project that featured the varied styles of writing I was doing, and how many piano playing rapper/singers are out there? I'll wait . . . exactly. I thought I had a niché, but again, the idea of performing consistently never enthralled me, so I never pursued the sale of this project. However, I'm very proud of it nonetheless. It explores my interest in heroes, and quite obviously on this project, Superman. If you don't know about me and Superman, click here. I also coined my alter ego on this project. Yes, in 2002, I officially proclaimed to the world that I am Funkyman.

It's been 7 years since that CD was done. I've been busy doing the Funkyman thing, but haven't had lots of time to focus on being a solo recording artist, especially since the birth of my light - Aimée. That is, until now . . .

"The Adventures of Funkyman"
The CD! I've written 8 songs with 2 more left to finish! I'm very excited about this project. Just like my blog, this album deals with a little bit of everything, both serious and not-serious-at-all. Because you are loyal readers of my blog, I'm going to post a song for the first time in the 3-year history of this blog. Find it below. I hope you enjoy!

And look out for the finished project towards the end of the year!


"All We Are"

I know some people looking for love in all the wrong places
I know some people looking for help in all the wrong faces
I know some people who will believe anything that they see
I know because they're just like me

And all we are is trying to find a way to survive
In a world filled with so much war, hate, and lies
All we are is crying out, dying out, trying to shout
There has got to be a better way

I could take a grain of sand, close my eyes, make a wish, and hold it in my hands
Blow once and hope twice that the wish'll come true, but we both know it won't right?
But I know some people hoping for change in just the same way
I know the end is just the same.

And all we are is waiting for that day to arrive
When we are able to appreciate all life
'Cause we are tired of pain, tired of tears, work in vain
There has got to be a brighter day

A brighter day when all God's children sing and clap their hands
A brighter day when all religions serve the Lord not man
A brighter day when every nation shares a simple plan
It's me for you and you for me. It's funny how we talk about it but we never see

We are in control of choosing how we live
And we are trying to maintain self before we give
But we are running out of time to doubt, figure it out
One day soon we just may be too late . . .

- Funkyman

"All We Are" mp3

Click here to listen to the song!

04 All We Are.mp3

Remember My Name

I don't care what you say, people remember FAME.

I'm not talking about widespread reputation or public eminence. I mean FAME - the TV show. (Duh!)

This show was on TV during my very impressionable youth, and of course, being a music student, I got swept up in the fantasy of being in NYC, studying performing arts at an exclusive competetive school, and being the envy of my peers for my individual and particular gifts. This show featured different characters:

Coco Hernandez - the headstrong singer/songwriter/dancer/actress who would stop at nothing to be discovered and of course, famous.

Doris Fensecker - the young, shy actress who learns to mature and conquer her insecurities.

Danny Amatulo - Doris' friend - what did Danny do anyway? He was kind of the everyman character I guess.

Leroy Johnson - the ultra-talented dancer from the hood who was a natural at ballet, though he had no formal training.

. . . but my favorite character of all - the one I wanted to be when I grew up . . .

Bruno Martelli - the pianist/composer who was obsessed with synthesizers.

Yes, I wanted to be Bruno Martelli so bad, sometimes I couldn't watch the show. I envied his talent and his humility. His teachers (who can forget Mr. Shorofsky!) encouraged him to give up on the electronic music and focus on the classical. Coco, kept trying to get him to arrange pop songs for her and help him see that being famous is purpose of their existence. But Bruno was at Performing Arts High School to simply further his development and his craft.

I so related to that character because it was like my life story being played out. I, too, am classically trained yet obsessed with electronic music (thank you MTV). My teachers tried desperately to get me to give up playing pop, R&B, and rock because it was "destroying my technique." And to this day, people are trying to get me to go into the music business to be "famous." However, fame never interested me. Respect and friendship were always more inviting.

Anyway, I look back now at that show and marvel at how groundbreaking it was. It was multi-cultural - the main characters were Latino, Jewish, African-American, and Italian. The movie that the show was based on dealt with homosexuality, teenage pregnancy, pornography, and drug addiction. While those topics were too racy for TV in the early 80's, it was still a beacon of inspiration to see these diverse characters on screen pursuing their dreams.

There have been a few attempts to recreate the magic of Fame. Here are some that worked, and some that did not.

Krush Groove - The movie that tells the story of Def Jam records plays very close to FAME. Different characters dealing with the struggles of making it in the music business and the trappings that go along with it, yet all the while the movie has the upbeat feel of a musical. Classic.

High School Musical - High school kids discovering different talents and putting on shows. Sound familiar?

American Idol - Teenagers and Twenty-somethings hungry to be discovered and fighting for stardom? Hmmm . . . now where have I seen that before?

Save the Last Dance - Hey, combine classical dance with urban dance and . . . you'll . . . make . . . it. Hmmm.

STOP RIGHT THERE.

BEST LINE FROM A MOVIE EVER! - "I can't say this officially, but . . . welcome to Julliard!" HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
This girl messes up her routine, her boyfriend comes barging into the audition, goes on stage - COACHES her through the routine, and then they tell her she's accepted to the most prestigious arts school in the world without seeing the rest of the applicants or discussing it with Admissions in NYC.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I've never laughed so hard in my life.

Step Up - OK, this movie is too painful to watch. I mean really. If you've seen it, you don't need a description. If you haven't, save your money.

Center Stage - Actually, I love this movie. It's poorly acted and silly, but the dancing is awesome, and the cinematography is beautiful. It's a great movie to watch and it is SO FAME, that FAME should sue. I'm not hating though. Fun flick.

Camp Rock - Basically FAME Summer Camp. This movie is awful. Was there one talented kid at that camp? I'll have to watch again. Hey, I LIKED High School Musical. Camp Rock was tough to get through, but not as bad as . . .

American Mall - Whoever made this movie should be arrested and convicted with no trial. A sad attempt to be High School Musical in a mall. The creators of FAME are distressed!

Rent - Tell me that Rent was not inspired by FAME, and I'll tell you you don't know anything about musicals. A culturally diverse bunch of young people living in a building, dealing with the harsh realities of humantiy - disease, addictions, prejudice - while all the while singing, dancing, and making the audience laugh, cry, and smile? Jonathan Larson, rest in peace, but even he would agree that this Pullitzer Prize winning play tips its hat not only to La Boheme, but to the magic found in the movie and TV show that made us laugh, cry, and smile - all the while singing along. Both are set in NYC. Coincidence? I think not. Enough for now. Study Hall's over.

- Funkyman

Everything's Online

FUNKYMAN UPDATE

EVERYTHING IS ON YOUTUBE.

I found this by accident this morning. Who knew?

Click here to see the Phish Story come to life.

4:02 is where the magic happens! Can you see the back of my head?

- Funkyman

My Best Story

Hello Funklings,

Anyone who is in one of the 6 choirs I direct knows that I am the Mark Twain of choir directors. I love to tell stories, and they often have a point. :-) Seriously, it's a teaching tool, and if you've ever had to stand in front of people for 2 hours at a time, you know that it's more than necessary. Today is special because I present to you - MY BEST STORY EVER. Calm down, calm down, I know. How can you repay me you say? No need. This is a free service of the Adventures of Funkyman. What's that you say again . . . ?

You: What makes this your best story?

FM: Well, I'm glad YOU asked. It's the best because it starts out simple, gets bigger and cooler, and it has a moral - just like any great adventure.

You: Why have you waited until now to tell it?

FM: I've always saved this story for when I've really lost the attention of my audience.

You: I'm sorry, what did you just say? I was texting.

FM: I rest my case.

So, now I present to you: THE GREATEST ADVENTURE (to date) OF FUNKYMAN

Scene 1:
December 1996 - I was just beginning the Winter break from school, I was engaged and preparing to marry my wife the following June, and I was just at home watching TV when the phone rang. "Hey David, the choir has a new engagement. Are you going to be around New Year's Eve? We're being asked to sing for some band called 'Phish.' Have you ever heard of them?" Well, of course, I nearly dropped the phone. Of course I had heard of them. They were, at that time, quite literally the most followed band alive - often compared to the Grateful Dead because of their cult-like fans. The choir that was being asked to sing with them was the Boston Community Choir, which I was a member of. This choir, among other events, sings annually with the Boston Pops Orchestra at Symphony Hall. I was a member because I wanted to be IN a choir rather than always directing one. The choir got to sing in concerts with Patti Labelle and James Taylor, among others. And now, whenever a popular artist came to town and requested a gospel choir, we got the call. So, as you can imagine, I responded - "Yes."

Scene 2:
One week later, I was in rehearsal with the choir, and it turns out that one of the songs we're singing is Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody." The choir was struggling with the learning the parts, and I was shocked to find that most of the members had never heard the song before. During a break, I went to the director and offered my assistance because I was familiar with the song. He gladly accepted, and I completed the rehearsal. I had butterflies in my stomach imagining what this was going to be like in front of 20,000 people in the Fleet Center (the refurnished Boston Garden). And with those butterflies, I went to the director and asked "May I direct the song on New Year's Eve?" He said "Yes." YES!

Scene 3:
At the next rehearsal, I came up with the idea of something I had never seen a gospel choir do before. In the movie "Wayne's World" there's a famous scene where the guys are in the car listening to "Bohemain Rhapsody" and when the opera part ends and they go into the full-out rock part, they throw up the rock sign and bob their heads to the beat. I told the choir how cool it would be if we all did that at that moment in the song. Since most of the choir had never heard "Bohemian Rhapsody," you can imagine that even fewer had seen "Wayne's World" and they did not want to do it. I told them, "TRUST ME!!!!!" And they reluctantly did.

Scene 4:
On December 30, we had a rehearsal with Phish at the Fleet Center. We're going to meet PHISH! Cool! We get there and walk on the stage. The Fleet Center is HUGE, and so is the stage. As we went backstage to the rehearsal room, we warm up and get ready. Phish walks in and I get to meet Trey Anastasio and Paige McConnel while they set up. And do you know what happens then? They begin "Bohemian Rhapsody" and they DON'T KNOW IT. The choir looks at me, and I say "I can help." So then, I'm teaching the opening harmonies of the song to PHISH. I repeat, I'M TEACHING THE OPENING HARMONIES OF BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY TO PHISH. I thought I was going to pass out.

Scene 5:
New Year's Eve - We arrive at the Fleet Center around 11:00 p.m. We were set to go on stage at midnight after they dropped like 65,000 balloons on the crowd. We were meant to be a New Year's surprise. While the choir was warming up, I was at the piano banging away, when Phish brings in two small amps and a drum, plug in, and start to jam with us. OK, NOW I'M PLAYING WITH PHISH. I did pass out.

After they revived me, it was time. We began the walk to the stage. It was already 1997 and people were hyped. As we entered the arena in our robes, we could hear people screaming above us - "YES! WHOOOOOOO!" They were so excited to see a gospel choir taking the stage. And then we were there - 20,000 people screaming - it was so intense. Phish goes into the opening line of the song "Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?" and the crowd goes nuts.

Then, here it comes - we're getting through the opera part and here comes the rock out - "For meeee, for meeeee, for meeeeeeeeeeeeee!" I scream to the choir "Here we go, let's do it!" And with that the entire choir starts totally rocking out - one hand in the air, fingers spread, heads bobbing.

The scream from the crowd was deafening. It was the single coolest moment of my life.

We also sang "Julius" and "Amazing Grace." As we left the stage, people were screaming down to us "YOU GUYS RULE! THAT WAS THE COOLEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN! OH MY GOD!"

The choir all said "David, you were right!" Told you! We got to hang out with the band, their families, and the crew for about an hour after the show. I drove home and called my wife (fiancée at the time) and told her what happened, and then I went to bed with a grin on my face.

Scene 6:
January 1997 - My wife was the only person I told. When school was back in session, I was walking down the halls and a kid from far off just stops, looks at me and says "Was that you?" And I knew what he was referring to of course. I said "Yes it was." He said "YOU ARE A GOD!" Now, while I am a superhero, I by no means believe I am a god, but in this kid's mind, this was not up for discussion. I became a legend at the school that year, not because I got to be on stage with Phish, but because I didn't tell anybody to brag about it. It was good to be the king.

Scene 7:
Six weeks later - I often had to stay late after school because of musical theater productions, and sometimes I would go around the corner to the Cheesecake Factory, get a magazine, and just have dinner alone. This was one such day, and I went into Borders, bought a Rolling Stone magazine, and then sat down in the restaurant. As I open the magazine to the Random Notes section, what do I see staring back at me? ME! A picture of Trey Anastasio and me backstage at the Fleet Center rocking out while we were warming up. I screamed "OH MY GOD! I'M IN ROLLING STONE!" People in the restaurant thought I was nuts. I was like "YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND RIGHT NOW. I'M IN ROLLING STONE!" They were like, "We do understand, sit down and shut up." Haters.
(Actual issue cover pictured above.)

The Moral to the Story: Great things happen to you when you see and take opportunities, AND when you humble yourself enough to enjoy it. I got to teach, jam, and sing with Phish in front of 20,000 people, be in Rolling Stone magazine and the Phish Book, and be a hero to my students. And all I did was follow my heart.

You: Phish Book? What are you referring to?

FM: Keep reading!

Scene 8:
Years later - I'm in a book store looking for a gift when I find the PHISH book - a collection of photos and memorabilia about the band. Whose picture was in the centerfold, directing the Boston Community Choir in "Bohemain Rhapsody" on New Year's Eve 1996 at the Fleet Center?

- Funkyman

Death Is

Last week, my daughter came home and told me that the Pre-K class pet had died. The parakeet named CJ was the first death many of the children had experienced and the teachers used the event as a teaching moment. My daughter said, "Dad, CJ died," and she seemed pretty OK with it. She went back to watching TV with Mom.

Two days later, I got the news that my grandmother of 91 years passed away the previous night. When I got the message, I said "Oh my God!" and my daughter and wife came running. They said "What's wrong?!" and I told them the news - "Grandma Freeman died." My daughter immediately burst into tears, and seeing that sight suddenly made me do the same. The reality and gravity of what that meant was understood all too well by my 4-year old. After a few seconds, I regained my composure and immediately got on the phone to contact family members and to console my mother and uncle for their loss.

Five minutes later, my daughter regained her composure as well and went back to the business of getting dressed for the day. I thought maybe she was OK, having dealt with the loss of CJ so well. I was wrong. It's been 11 days since then and she has cried everyday. This is not continuous crying, but still it's no fun to watch her smile and then suddenly frown, knowing exactly what she's thinking about. She misses her great-grandmother. And why shouldn't she? She's not mature enough to appreciate the faith that Grandma Freeman is free of pain and in a better place with her Creator. All she has are pictures and memories, and those things can tear you up inside if you let them. Thank God she has a huge family to surround her with love and support. I'm thankful she got to know Mary Freeman (1918-2009) when she did. Aimée was the only great-grandchild she knew, and was therefore a princess among royalty.

When Aimée was born, my grandmother set up a pearl necklace program for her through a prestigious jewelry store. On her birthdays and on Christmas, Aimée receives a single pearl in a box that by her 21st birthday will be a full pearl necklace. My grandmother wanted a special heirloom for Aimée that she would be able to appreciate and cherish for the rest of her life. Of course, the pearls cannot replace the real treasure, but the gesture is profound nonetheless.

This marks the end of an era for me. My whole life has been peppered with trips to Washington D.C. to visit my grandparents, and now that's over. While I'll still visit D.C. for other family members, it obviously will never be the same. I've only ever associated D.C. with my grandparents for they showed me the entire city during my childhood - every museum, memorial, and monument. I went to the White House, Capitol Hill, the Library of Congress, and even the FBI building. My grandfather was a well-respected business man, having established the first African-run insurance companies in Ghana, and therefore, my brothers and I were princes among royalty. He was James Bond in my mind. Just way cooler, and black.

Now, going to Wasington D.C. without them being there is like getting off a plane in Rome, and Rome not being there.

On the morning of my grandmother's funeral, I woke to the sounds of the television reporting the plane crash in Buffalo that took 49 lives. In the final seconds of the landing, something went wrong and the pilots never got to inform the passengers. Just boom, it's over.

Today, we learned that a student I taught three years ago died unexpectedly. She was a junior in high school. She was found outdoors hours after leaving a party. Most of the members of the junior class who knew her in Middle School are naturally distraught. Counselors are everywhere trying to help and extra advisor meetings are planned to help students deal with the loss. It seems that death is all around us.

Yet, I live today with purpose and joy in my heart.

I am alive - This is real.
I have only today - This is real.
I must love myself today - This is real.
I must show someone love today - This is real.
I am blessed - This is real.
And no matter how long I'm able to enjoy this life, one more thing is real . . .

Death Is. And it's not evil.

Death is the period at the end of the sentence. You are the subject. Go and live the predicate.

- Funkyman

Talent Show

Ah, the talent show. The rite of passage for every cool person on earth. Yes, I say cool person because if you can get up on stage and potentially make a fool of yourself, you're cool.

Notice I didn't say you were "good." Plenty of people get on stage and are horrible. However, I believe that taking the risk is more important than the outcome itself. And when the outcome is that you are good - that's icing on the cake. No one said that the tortoise was a good runner. The point of the story is that he ran.

Anyway, too deep in here for me. This week, Funkyman finds friendship, fellowship, fun, and alliteration in Cabaret. This is basically a talent show for the 9th Grade class at the Dana Hall School. It's called Cabaret because traditionally the show was held in the Dining Center, and dinner theater equals cabaret. Also the show opens and closes with group song and dance numbers, two of which are from the musical CABARET.

Dana Hall has many traditions, but this one is my favorite, because its where personalities and identities are forged and better yet, appreciated by the entire school commuity. If a girl has a particular talent or interest, she has the entire school's attention for a few minutes while she gets to permanently imprint herself into our brains - even if that thing is acting silly with her friends. Sometimes, the talent is high, and sometimes the talent is not. But as I said earlier, it's the trying that counts.

Below I will recall some moments when I took risks and forever changed the perception of people around me. Episodes from my own soap opera - The Young and the Funky. Days of our Funk. All My Funky Children. General Hospital of Funk. Funk Tree Hill. Dawson's Funk. Gossip Girl. Desperate Funkwives. Thought I missed "Gossip GIrl" for a joke, huh? Nope. That show doesn't deserve funkiness. Ouch! Just kidding, never watched it. Anyway, I digress. On to the stories!

COUL-MAN (pronounced "coal man")
For high school, I attended an all-boys' Catholic school - 800 of us everyday trying to navigate the "Say No to Drugs" and homophobic 80's. I played flute in the school band, so you can imagine the names I was called in 1984. That being said, I was also one of the 4 African American students at the school - not very diverse. I was not known by my classmates by my true identity - Funkyman. Of course, at that stage, I was Funkyboy, but again I digress. Piano was my life, and no one really knew that. It wasn't their fault. When was I playing piano at school? Well, my band director decided to create a jazz band my sophomore year, and guess who already knew how to play piano?

We gave our premiere concert to the student body one day - "Introducing the CBHS JAZZ BAND" - and we did this Count Basie song called "L-O-V-E" which was largely featured a piano solo. I also got to wear shades for the song. Well, after the concert was over, I was late to class because the band had to break down all of the equipment. But, as I entered the classroom, the entire class erupted in applause and cheers. Suddenly, I went from being "Coleman" (we were only referred to by our last names) to David Coleman, the cool piano guy - or as some of my classmates liked to sing - "I'm a COLE-MAN! Did-duh duh duh did-duh duh" While I would smile at their nicknames (I had several), secretly they didn't know that it made me feel special to be recognized for something so personal to me. It was great not feeling invisible anymore. I would like to thank them for that.

THE TALENT SHOW
When I taught at Beaver Country Day School, I was the Choral Director and often knew about and saw talent in my students, Grades 6-12, that the community had no clue about - award-winning dancers (one Irish stepdancer who was amazing), comedians, and of course, musicians. Since we didn't have any outlet for the students except for large ensembles - band and chorus, I came up with the idea of organizing a talent show. I had to create the proposal, present it to the administration, and then to the entire faculty. They all supported it and left me in charge. I had to have auditions (to ensure what kids did was appropriate!) and then we did the show.

It was a great day, and many kids got the exact same peer response I did when I was in high school. I went to bed that night feeling great because I was able to give back an experience that meant so much to me.

THE COURTSHIP
I have never been considered a ladies' man, and my dating experience is not vast. However, whatever attention I've ever received from females has often been centered on my musical abilities. Girls love musicians. Girls really love musicians who can play songs they love. Girls really really love musicians who can write songs. But the best kind of musician girls love is one who can play, write and SING. It's as old as courtship itself. The man serenades the woman outside of her window - classic romance.

ATTENTION: NON SEQUITUR - I was just watching Say Anything again today - you know the John Cusack/Ione Skye movie with the famous boombox "In Your Eyes" serenade scene? That movie is 20 YEARS OLD. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? Back to our regularly scheduled story.

Anyway, when I met my wife, Fadie, I didn't know what I was doing. I knew she liked me, but I thought that if I played and sang her a song I wrote, she would really fall for me. So it was just the two of us, and I sang her a song I wrote. And she did the most amazing thing - absolutely nothing. She said "Thank you, that's nice." It turns out that she didn't like me because of my musical ability. She liked me for me. Whoa.

Singing and playing for her was taking a risk, but taking that risk opened my eyes in a way the High School Jazz Band experience couldn't. I didn't have to do a song and dance to get recognized.

And I never have since. When there are no more songs to sing and no more songs to write, whether I can play piano or not - my wife will still love me.

Now that's not feeling invisible anymore. I would like to thank her for that.

- Funkyman

That Time of Year

Hello Funkstaceans,

It's that time of year again - the busy season of the Funkyman. I call this blog the "adventures" because the different things I'm involved in truly are. Here's what my life looks like:

January 24 - BEATLES CONCERT
Just finished what felt like a musical production - a 25-song tribute to the Beatles that you read about last week. It went very well, and now my only stress is trying to come up with something equally as successful for next year. But, that's a good problem. However, first I have to worry about . . .

February 1 - SCHUBERT MASS IN G
The Chamber Singers at the Dana Hall School will be performing the opening two movements from this famous work for chorus and orchestra. They will be getting their first experience singing with an orchestra, and I will get my first experience of just watching them perform without me. However, preparing them for this performance was good work and a lot of fun. Can't wait until Sunday - February 1 at 3:00 p.m. at Dana Hall School in Beveridge Hall. That following Saturday is

February 7 - CABARET
A large talent show for the 9th Grade Class, I have to arrange large choral versions of two popular songs - can't tell you - it's a secret! I also teach them two traditional songs from the musical CABARET. The entire class sings the group numbers to open and close the show and I accompany many of the soloists that perform in between. Talent show - now that's a good subject for a blog. More to come on that.

February 10 - VALENTINE TEA
An event presented by our Middle School students for Grandparents and other seniors. All Middle School ensembles perform including the 6th Grade Chorus and the 7th/8th Grade Chorus, both of which I direct. They are singing everything from Scarlatti to R. Kelly.

February 20 - GOSPEL CHOIR CONCERT
Dana Hall Gospel Choir will be in concert on Friday, February 20 in Beveridge Hall at 7:00 p.m. featuring special guests Confirmation. The all-girls high school gospel choir is a minority in the world of Gospel music, but here we are. After that roof-raising experience I will be knee deep in . . .

February 23 - RAGTIME AUDITIONS
Auditions begin for the largest production Dana Hall has mounted to date. This will pretty much consume my life - auditions, arrangements, rehearsals, etc. In the middle of all of that fun will be . . .

April 4 - REJOICE! HIGH SCHOOL GOSPEL FEST
This is the 8th year we've done this: 7 High School Choirs coming together for a day of workshops and rehearsals and a free gospel concert to top it all off. This year the event will be at Beaver Country Day School. Concert at 7 p.m. For more info, click here.

April 17 - TUFTS GOSPEL CONCERT
Tufts Gospel Choir is 225 members this semester and sounding great so far. We are working hard toward the Spring Concert in April. Spring is a big choir concert time because the following week is . . .

April 24 - DANA HALL SPRING CHORAL CONCERT
All 5 Dana choirs will be in concert. Enough said.

May 16 & 17 - RAGTIME
Show goes up that weekend. I'm already looking forward to the summer months of "production-free" life.

But don't get me wrong. I am a very fortunate man to be able to work with great people and do what I love for the age group that shapes the future - 11 to 22.

Until next time, I am perpetually . . .

- Funkyman

Growing Old

Hello Funkymaniacs,

In the continuing adventures of Funkyman, right now my world is revolving around the most significant band in the history of the world - Pseudo Echo.

No seriously, Glass Tiger.

No really seriously, Menudo.

No really actually seriously, the Beatles.

No, really actually indeed seriously, the Beatles.

Now that you know I'm not kidding anymore . . . I've been a choral director for almost 20 years now, and here at the Dana Hall School in Wellesley, I am preparing for an annual concert I like to call a Choral Tribute. In January of every year, our choral concert has a theme, and this year's theme is the Beatles. We will sing 25 songs spanning the 9 years of the Beatles' career, from "Love Me Do" to "Let it Be."

What has impressed me most about this experience is the number of my students who have never heard a Beatles song. I have obviously become an adult and taken for granted that the Beatles' songs were simply common knowledge. I mean, how could you not have heard "Yesterday" right? But, indeed, it's true. Here are some of my other adventures into becoming an adult as I realized my musical common knowledge was actually becoming music history.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind
I used to play a game with my students - "Guess the Movie/TV Theme" - where I would play the theme on the piano and the first person to guess correctly would get a point. Basically "Name That Tune." I would love to play the 5-note theme from CE of the 3K that the aliens used to communicate with the humans (Re-Mi-Do-Do-So). Today, there's not one student I teach that knows that theme. Likewise, a familiar questions is . . .

Who is John Williams?
WHAT???? Come on. OK, I can appreciate if you don't know who Mahler or Stravinsky is, but John Freaking Williams? (He officially changed his middle name - no seriously, no really seriously, OK I'm kidding) The composer of ET? Superman? Jaws? Raiders of the Lost Ark? Star Wars? Harry Freaking Potter? (also official, pending my lawsuit with JK Rowling)

Billie Jean
Another game I would play was more like the original name that tune, and I would use popular music. One day I was playing the opening bass line to "Billie Jean" and not one kid in the room knew it. I was like, "It's BILLIE JEAN!" - expecting an "OHHH, Wow." But what I got was "What's Billie Jean?" This is only to be outdone by . . .

Michael Jackson Isn't Black
One day I was with my godson, and at the time he was 7 years old. He was in love with Michael Jackson - he sang like him, danced like him, screamed like him - "HOOOOAAAAAHHH!!" And whenever we went to the mall, the first place he wanted to go was the record store, saying "Where's Michael Jackson? Where's Michael Jackson?" So we went to the record store and looked for Michael CD's. The only CD they had in stock was OFF THE WALL, which as you know features a pre-surgery Michael Jackson. My godson looked at me, as if he knew I was only kidding, and said in a loud voice "David, this isn't Michael Jackson. This guy is black." Everyone in the record store fell out.

Most Rap Songs
As you know, I am a huge fan of Rap, but like its step-brother Rock, there is a lot to make fun of. One of the things that is an easy target is rap's persistent use of older songs as the inspiration or even framework for the music. This goes back to the origin of rap, when DJ's or MC's would rhyme over pre-existing records at parties. It's just part of the history. Anyway, most young people don't know the origin of hip-hop, and actually believe that the hook in Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise" was written by Coolio himself, and therefore "See, Mr. Coleman - rappers can write good melodies and chords too!" WRONG. Of course, some rappers can, but unfortunately, most do not. "Gangsta's Paradise" is a sample from "Past Time Paradise" by Stevie Wonder, and when Coolio's version was a hit, I demystified several young people. They ended up hating me because they used to try to play a game and challenge me by trying to find a rap song that was completely original, and I always had the reply of "Sorry. That's actually from . . . " Hey, I still love rap. Just don't call it something it ain't. And it's not my fault I've been alive longer than rap has existed.

All in the Family
One of the most famous piano solos (or I THOUGHT it was one of the most famous) is the closing theme to the sitcom All in the Family. Honestly, when I play that today, not only have kids not heard the theme, THEY'VE NEVER HEARD OF THE SHOW. Carol O'Connor rest in peace and forgive your childern, for they know not what they do. Wow. Ironically, they have heard of the Jeffersons and its theme. Why? - RAP MUSIC!

Here are some other famous quotes from students:

"2Pac is Alive!"

"Rap isn't good music. It all sounds the same and they're always screaming."

"Aerosmith's first song was with Run DMC."

"U2 had an album before Rattle and Hum?"

"Rock isn't good music. It all sounds the same and they're always screaming."

"Sting was in a band?"

"Brian McKnight is SO much better than Stevie Wonder."

"Opera isn't good music. It all sounds the same and they're always screaming."

"2Pac is so alive, Mr. Coleman. Oh my God!"

"I don't lilke rap, but I do like Will Smith, Outkast, Mase, P Diddy, Beastie Boys, Black Eyed Peas, Eminem, and Kanye West. Other than that, I don't like rap."

Dana Hall School presents
A Choral Tribute to the Beatles
Saturday, January 24 - 7:00 p.m.
Dana Hall School
Bardwell Auditorium
Wellesley, MA 02482
Admission is FREE

- Funkyman

Make Me Laugh

MY DAILY AFFIRMATION

People think I'm funny.

OK, I think I'm funny too.

OK, I AM funny, and gosh darnit, people like me!

Now that my insecurity is worked out, it makes no difference if you ARE funny or not - getting on stage and making people laugh is a completely separate talent/skill.

I say talent/skill because for some people it's natural, and others have to work on developing and perfecting a rhythm and delivery.

I have a reputation as being funny in person, and I can feed off of natural circumstances, find the joke, and say something witty that will make everyone crack up. But you see, no one sees it coming, not even me. That's why it works. People often say "You should do stand up." But oh, my friend, no.

When you're on stage - people have PAID MONEY to laugh, and they ARE expecting YOU to be the one to do it. That's so different. I used to work in a comedy club as a musician, and I saw many a man go up on that stage and die. Their friends probably told them "You should do stand up" and you could tell their routines were based on something they had probably used to make their friends laugh. But jokes are more than just "in the moment" laughs. They have to be structured and timed so that they work almost EVERY TIME, and that is no small feat.

So, here's my tribute to 10 men and women who consistently prove themselves comic legends and in my mind, geniuses, for their abillity to make people laugh on command. Mind you, my actual list for this is over a 100 people, so here is a small sampling for blogging purposes.

Ellen DeGeneres - Clearly as funny in person as she is on stage - she is a natural. Ellen's smile alone could make you giggle, even if she were being quiet. But she's way better than that. Her jokes and her cadences are right on, and if you've ever seen her stand up or even "Finding Nemo" you know that you were catching your breath from laughter. Hats off to Ellen - who has to face a national audience almost every day.

Robin Williams - Another pure natural comedian - this guy lives for improv. There's nothing really to say about Robin Williams, because almost every time he tries to be funny - he is. And he is probably the most inane comic ever, a fright for late night talk show hosts who never know where he's going to take a conversation. I'd be scared.

Chris Rock - Now here's an example of skill. I don't think Chris Rock is naturally funny. He can't make a funny movie and his sketch comedy is so-so. But his stand up? HE KILLS. That's technique and timing. He is the best stand up alive if you're rating on skill alone. Just watch his last HBO special. He filmed an entire concert from three locations and spliced them together. You almost can't tell they are three different outfits, theaters, or audiences, because the jokes are told the same way each time, and each time they work. Hilarious.

Will Ferrell - Wow. What can I say? This guy is nuts. I have the Best of Will Ferrell pts. 1 and 2 from SNL, and they're both hilarious. I have Anchorman and Old School on DVD and I could watch them over and over. He has the best characters and lines and he's always trying something new. I know you're saying - isn't he pretty much doing the same character over and over? No, not really. Upon closer look, you will see that many comedians have tried that shtick (Adam Sandler and Ben Stiller for instance - both very funny) but few push the envelope like Will Ferrell does. Will's characters are very different - Ron Burgundy, Elf, Chazz Michael Michaels, Ricky Bobby, Harold Crick (Stranger than Fiction) - all are firsts for character type portrayed in a comedy. And we're not laughing with WIll, we're laughing at him, and that's just the way he wants it.

Jim Carrey - In Living Color, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, The Mask, Liar Liar, Bruce Almighty - just to name a few. He's been called many things, but if you can't see the genius of his commitment and consistency of his wild characters - even if it's not funny, he stays with it, and you laugh anyway. My personal favorite is The Cable Guy, but if you didn't laugh at any of these in the first list, check your pulse. 'nuff said.

Sinbad - A lot can be said for a modern comedian who does not use profanity. Even more can be said about one who doesn't curse but is side-splittingly hilarious. Have you ever seen Sinbad do stand up? Oh my goodness. I can honestly say that I have only laughed harder once in my life at a comedian. Sinbad is a legend, but the hardest laugh in my life award goes to . . .

Eddie Murphy - When I was 17 years old, I had just graduated from high school and I went to the movies by myself (probably the first time) to see a rated R movie called "Raw." It was 90 minutes of Eddie Murphy stand up. I FELL OUT OF MY SEAT laughing - literally. Eddie Murphy is the finest comic alive, in my opinion, because he is both naturally funny, a genius at stand up, and his voice is amazing - doing impressions that are scary they're so on. Further talent and control over his voice is proven through a moderately successful singing career. He has done it all - adult humor, family movies, TV shows, animation, stand-up, and drama. Wanna see a living legend? Look no further.

Bill Cosby - One of my fondest memories as a child was sitting in the den with my whole family, listening to Bill Cosby "Himself" on LP record. It's a special gift Bill Cosby gave to the world, because while I was laughing and crying with my family, millions of other families across the world were doing the same thing. Thank you Bill Cosby - I Spy, Fat Albert, The Cosby Show (all 3 of them), and hours and hours of priceless stand-up in his unmatched storytelling style. Bill is the Mark Twain of our generation.

George Carlin - Rest in peace, brother. If you don't know who George Carlin is, turn on your television and find any stand-up comedian who's on right now. I can guarantee you that they owe their career and much of what they're able to get away with to George Carlin. The ultimate "truth" comic (if it weren't true, you wouldn't be laughing), George Carlin rips into subjects that would seem poor choices for joke material. There was not a vulgar taboo or politically correct subject he didn't cover, and he did it with intelligence, wit, and an often cutting profanity that made you always be on your toes. We partially owe our ability to question and doubt established "isms" to him.

OK, I know you're going, "Funkyman, how could you leave out Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, Jerry Lewis, Dave Chapelle, etc. etc. etc. . . ."
I know, I know, I know, and I agree, but . . .

. . . study hall's over.

- Funkyman

Cold

I am cold.

Is New England the coldest part of the world? No, but we've got to be in the top ten, right?

Maybe not, but if there are places colder than this, I'm not going there. Mind you, I prefer extreme cold to extreme heat. At least when you're cold, you can wear clothes and try to stay warm, but when it's too hot, lying naked on your bed at night with a fan blowing on you doesn't stop you from being hot. It's just miserable. Anyway, I digress.

I am cold.

Yesterday, when I left the house it was 15 degrees, and it's December. Oh what joys February has for us! When it's this cold, your nose hairs freeze as you walk. When it's this cold, every part of your body is covered except for your nose and mouth and they're screaming at you - "Face mask, you loser!" And your nose isn't even supposed to talk! Anyway, I digress.

I am so cold.

You: Funkyman, how cold are you?

I'm glad you asked. Here are some one liners for your next winter party.

1. I am so cold that when I hug someone, they get pneumonia. HA!
2. I am so cold that when I was a kid I said, "There will be a black president when hell freezes over." Enough said.
3. I am so cold that when I walked on burning hot coals, I put the fire OUT. The fire went OUT I said. HA!
4. I am so cold that when I sat down to eat my TV Dinner on my lap, it was frozen again. It was frozen AGAIN I said, because you see I COOKED it and then because I put it on my LAP, . . . you see?
5. I am so cold that when Tracy Strauss shook my hand - SHE FROZE! (Vague "Heroes" reference)
6. I am so cold that the Cold Miser sold me the rights to his song. Yes, THE Cold Miser. Now the song is "FunkyMiser."
7. I am so cold that the Devil said, "Man, you win." The DEVIL. HA!
8. I am so cold that when my daughter wants a popsicle, I pour her some Kool-Aid and hand it to her. I HAND IT TO HER!
9. I am so cold that when my wife wants ice cream, I milk the cow. ICE CREAM!
10. I am so cold that my metabolism has slowed down considerably. In three years, I'll still be 37. I WILL NOT HAVE AGED. HA!
11. I am so cold that penguins travel far and wide to come dance on my belly.
12. I am so cold that Coca-Cola just filmed a commercial with me. The polar bears are suing. A POLAR BEAR LAWSUIT!
13. I am so cold that ABC Family Channel just filmed a Christmas movie about me - "Funky the Snow Man." Frosty is suing. A SNOWMAN LAWSUIT!
14. I am so cold that when I go to the bathroom, it really hurts. USE YOUR IMAGINATION MAN!
15. I am so cold that Winter has been renamed FUNKYMAN'S TOES!
16. I am so cold that Spring has been renamed WE SURRENDER!
17. I am so cold that Summer has been renamed FUNKYMAN ON VACATION!
18. I am so cold that Fall has been renamed HE'S COMING BACK WHEN?
19. I am so cold that my jokes don't even have to be funny. HA!
20. I am so cold that while typing this blog, I've gone through 9 computer keyboards. Know why? Because they're Macintosh, and they suck!

Oh well, looks like Study Hall is over.

Peace to all!

- Winterman

It

Dear Funkistas,

A student asked me recently, "Do you think I have what it takes to make it?" Wow, what a loaded question. Of course, if I respond in the positive, I'm responsible for every failure she encounters from now until she dies. "YOU TOLD ME I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES! WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME? WHHYYY??? KHHAAANNN!! KHAAANNN!!" If I respond in the negative, I'm planting seeds of insecurities that will hinder her normal growth and progression. "you're right. i guess i do kinda suck." :-(

How do you teach a person to appreciate their strengths and their weaknesses objectively, when we are surrounded in culture by successful untalented people and unsuccessful talented people? Just what is "IT" that's necessary to make it? I'm glad you asked.

IT, ladies and gentlemen, is magic. Yes . . . Potter . . . MAGIC.

No, not wizardry or sorcery or slight of hand or illusion. Go look up "magic" in the dictionary. It's described as "a quality that makes something seem removed from everyday life, especially in a way that gives delight."

When you fall in love for the first time - magic.
When you love someone unconditionally that loves you back - magic.
When you worship God in truth and in spirit - magic.
When you help someone in need - magic.
When you receive a gift or an appreciation - magic.

But Funkyman, you ask, how does that apply to your students' question? Well, no one is successful who didn't try to be that. How does an untalented person become successful? They try. Why do they try? Because they really want it. Why do they really want it? Well, any number of reasons, but you can bet one of them may be the indescribable drive, almost supernatural drive, to do something. We call it passion. What is the source of passion? Since it makes us feel removed from everyday life, especially in a way that gives delight, it must be magic.

Passion is not explainable. However, it is real. If an untalented person has enough passion for something, they may very well succeed at it, because those watching and judging will evaluate that person not solely on talent, but on passion as well. We love to see someone passionate about what they do, even if it's not the greatest thing we've ever seen. In the end, talent is secondary to passion. Unfortunately, my student's question was about the music industry, and it's filled with talentless "successes." However, all successes have passion in common. So my response to the question "Do I have what it takes?" was not "yes" or "no." It was a question.

Are you passionate about what you do? If you are, then champion your strengths, humble yourself and listen to those more experienced than you about your weaknesses, keep working, and love what you do. Whether you end up famous or rich, you will have made it.

And that's the truth for . . .

- Funkyman

Aimée for President

Hello Funksters,

I am so weary of the election coverage, so I'm going to spare you the political rhetoric and talk about something really important:

Aimée Fadie Coleman

My daughter is almost exactly 4.5 years old, and she is a renaissance girl already. I do not write this to brag, but I think sometimes my friends and colleagues would believe that Aimée is involved in so many activities because her parents want her to be. The undeniable truth is that she loves . . . everything (like Palin reads . . . everything). Here is a list of her activities and interests, and I personally don't think they're that much at all, but of course, I'm Funkyman. Shut your mouth, Mozart and Prince - no one was even talking to you.

SCHOOL
O.K., this is the one thing in which Aimée has no final say. Even if she didn't like school, she'd be going. However, I don't have that issue because ever since she was 2 years old, all Aimée has talked about is school (like Obama and Bill Ayers). She had a backpack in the shape of a school bus, and when we bought it for her, she put it on, opened the door to the porch, and we were like "Where do you think you're going??!!"

"School" she replied. And it's been that way for 2.5 years. Now that she's actually in school, she looks forward to every day. I do wonder at what stage this will turn into the redundancy and dread that most American children suffer, but maybe that time will never come. I'll take this one day at a time.

Oh, yes, and she lives for homework - and the school doesn't even give homework. We had to create some at home for her. So every afternoon, she's working on math, science, and reading with Mom - all HER ideas, not ours. She just can't seem to wait to grow up.

I should be afraid. Very afraid.

DANCING
"When's dance class?" "Is it today?" "Papa, when can go to DANCE CLASS?"
These were the chants all last year as we prepared to enroll Aimée in the Boston Ballet classes for young people during the summer. It was only two weeks, two days a week, but Aimée was hooked. When it was over, she said "I want more dancing." (Kind of like how McCain dances around questions.) So, needless to say, we tried to help. She now takes ballet classes every Saturday morning for 45 minutes at the Boston Ballet School. She is smiling ear-to-ear. How can we say "no?"

SOCCER
This girl is obsessed with soccer. And yes, they do have soccer programs for 4-year olds. It's quite hilarious, actually, but some of those kids are pretty good. The two coaches are great with the kids, and they're teaching them great lessons for that age - listening to directions, sharing and passing the ball, taking turns as goalie - and last week they played their first game - all the kids (about 15) against the two coaches. You have never heard such glee coming from children (except when Biden cancels an appearance). Again, how can we say "no?"

THEATER
Another summer program Aimée tried was a theater workshop, and they put on a 20-minute musical production of "The Jungle Book." Aimée was Shere Khan, the tiger. (What? Why do they have my daughter playing the evil character? Racism!!) When it was over, again, she's says "When's the next rehearsal?" She wanted to keep it going so once a week she has play rehearsal for "Sleeping Beauty" which actually goes up today. In fact both my parents are in town to see the show. She plays Malificent, who I think is the good witch . . . . . . wait . . . . . . I'm googling it now . . . . . . Malificent . . . . . . is the . . . . . . EVIL witch? Racism! (Call Jeremiah Wright!)


Well, that's really it - school for Aimée is only 4 hours a day, Monday - Friday, 8 a.m. - 12 p.m. Theater on Tuesdays for 45 minutes, Soccer on Thursdays for 45 minutes, and Dance on Saturdays for 45 minutes. That's not too bad right?

Bottom line is, she's happy, and she herself chose these activities. What else is our job but to teach her to be a citizen of the world and provide for her to the best of our ability? As long as this stuff is pretty inexpensive (it really is), we'll keep it up. (God knows nothing in Congress is cheap.)

I hope you've enjoyed this politics-free blog from the Adventures of Funkyman.

Vote on November 4!

- Funkyman for President

Tear Jerker

I cry at movies. Deal with it.

It was once said that "real men don't cry." Well, I am a real man, and since the definition of "real" is genuine, true, sincere, and unfeigned - the statement "real men don't cry" is a contradiction.
What is sincere if not tears?

Anyway, now that we've dispelled that myth (you're welcome), as I said, I cry at movies. Not every movie. But, sometimes, I just can't help it. If they're done well, and presented correctly, movie scenes can tap right into that place in your heart that you try so hard to cover up. Here's a list of ten movies that made me cry like a little baby.

August Rush - You will find a theme in these examples - Family and True Love. This one has to do with family. A little boy (musical prodigy at that), separated at birth from his mother believes with all his heart for 11 years that his parents are calling to him . . . and he's right. The journey he takes to find them is exciting and scary, and as the mother and father (also unfairly kept apart all these years) find each other, they also find their son, and all in the space of a single song (that the boy writes himself), they go from being three lost souls to - a family. Get the Kleenex!

The Color Purple - Many scenes to cry at in this epic tale from Alice Walker, but the one that got me the most was in the church when Sug comes in singing "God's Trying to Tell You Something" and she walks right up and . . . hugs . . . (sniff) . . . her . . . father (sniff) after so many . . . years of not . . . talking (Ahh!). . . so . . . beautiful (Bawl)! Family does it again.

The Joy Luck Club - OK, if you didn't cry at this movie, you are NOT a "real" woman. OK, I'm not a woman, but I digress. Again, plenty of scenes to grab you, but my favorite is the speech June's mother gives her towards the end - "I see you." If you don't know what I'm referring to - see this movie. Again - family.

Schindler's List - OK, if you didn't cry at this movie, you are NOT a "real" human. OK, I'm not a . . . oh yeah, I am. I don't think I need to explain why this movie would make anyone cry, but the scene that grabbed me the most was at the very end when Schindler is lamenting not having enough money to save one more person from the Holocaust. The families just look at him and say, "You've saved us." Man, I was done. Way too heavy.

High School Musical 2 - OK, if you didn't cry at this movie, you are NOT "real" weird like me. I had no intention of even liking this movie, but I also wasn't prepared for Troy and Gabriella to be ripped apart like that. Then at the end, in the middle of the finale song, he hears her voice . . . and then (sniff) . . . he sees her across the lawn . . . and she's got a mic, too and (sniff) . . . Oh my goodness, she still LOVES HIM . . . and they sing together and . . . OHHHH! True love!

City of Angels - Another critically panned movie (August Rush was no critical darling either), this Nicolas Cage/Meg Ryan love story caught me on the wrong day. Have you ever had that happen to you? Well anyway, Nicolas Cage plays an angel who chooses to become mortal so he can have a life with Meg Ryan, and one day after they're together, she dies. The remainder of the movie is Nicolas Cage trying to deal with the loneliness and pain of being mortal . . . and alone. I was an absolute mess. The moral of the story of course is, it's better to love for one day, than to spend eternity without. True love gets me again.

Mr. Holland's Opus - I cried two times in this movie - one was for family - when Mr. Holland sings to his deaf son, to show in that moment that he really does love him despite doing a poor job as a father. AHH! Get the Kleenex again! The second time was of course, the end where all of Mr. Holland's students come back to celebrate his life - that's neither family or true love, but being a music teacher who wrestles with life choices (read my last few blog entries), you can see why this makes me cry EVERYTIME I watch it. Absolutely beautiful.

Mulan - Another movie I cry at EVERYTIME I watch it is Mulan. An underrated Disney film with some of the best Disney songs in the repertoire, the scene that gets me is when Mulan presents her father with the Emperor's medal after being away so long fighting a war against Genghis Khan, when she could have been killed for impersonating a man. Seeking his forgiveness for running away and possibly dishonoring the family, she says "Father, this is the greatest honor in China." He drops the medal on the ground and grabs her saying "The greatest honor is having you for a daughter." Believe it or not, I'm crying right now typing this. Give me a second to continue.

Awakenings - OK, I'm back. Whew. Anyway, we're almost done here. Awakenings is a Robin Williams/Robert De Niro movie about a doctor who finds a temporary cure for patients who are stuck in a catatonic state. While they're recovery is miraculous, they find out all too painfully that it is temporary. Robert De Niro plays a character who is awake just long enough to - you guessed it - fall in LOVE! NOOOO! The scene where he's trying to have lunch with this girl while he has uncontrollable spasms was too much for me. Robin Williams' character is buried in his work the entire movie and at the end, because of what he learns from his patients, goes on a date with his assistant. More true love? So beautiful!

Phenomenon - Last on the list but the one that I can't watch without crying like clockwork. This John Travolta movie is about a man who begins to have advanced brain activity - all the way up to telekinesis - only to find out he only has days to live. The scenes that get me deal both with True Love and Family. But I won't spoil this one. This is one of my favorite movies because it so beautifully depicts how we should live our lives every day - celebrating love and family.

Give me a call if you need Kleenex.

- Funkyman

Decisions, Decisions

Greetings Funkamites. A few weeks ago I wrote about not knowing what I want to be when I grow up. That's still true.

However, I do have several things that I do like to do. It's because I do several things that it's difficult to pin one down and focus on it. Several artists throughout the ages have suffered the same plight. My favorite composer, Mozart, struggled his entire life with the need to compose vs. the need to survive. It's partially because of his musical inspiration in my life that I strive to do the same for others in my own special way, albeit my mark may not be as profound as Mozart's.

So here is a list of the things I need in my life that make it difficult for me to pin down a specific career destiny.

1. COMPOSITION
I have been writing music since I was 14 years old. No big deal (especially compared to Mozart - Age 4 - showoff), but for me that's a total of 23 years of doing something that I absolutely adore to do. The only thing I don't like about composition is DEADLINES. And when you're a composition student, your whole life is deadlines. I went to college 20 years ago to study piano and in one year had switched to composition as a major. In three more years, I picked up the piano major again and double-majored. After graduating, it took me 6 years to return to get a Masters' degree and in the two years I worked on that, it was a combination of pleasure and extreme stress. Pleasure from doing what I love, stress because of the DEADLINES. I like to write when the wind of inspiration blows my way, though every composition teacher I've ever had has told me to "always be writing." I always am writing - just not on schedule.

This is why I shy away from doctoral level study. It's been 7 years since my Masters' degree and the only words I associate with applying to PhD programs is: Application DEADLINE.

Enough said.

2. TEACHING
I have been teaching for 16 years - high school, middle school, and college. What started off as a summer job is now my full-time occupation. Teaching allows me to make music, work with young minds, and hopefully inspire young hearts. However, I did not envision that my life would be as a teacher (neither did Mozart, but of course he didn't have to - showoff!). However, if I pursue occupation #1further into academia, this is mostly all I could be for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong. I love teaching, but I also need . . .

3. MONEY
Hey, don't judge me! I said I need it, not love it. There's just not a lot of financial security for your children when you're a teacher, unless of course your child chooses (or you help them choose) the institution at which you teach. I currently have only one child, but I would like more. I just don't want my new child's first words to be "papa broke."
(Mozart didn't have a lot of money either and died penniless - AH HA HA HA - YEEAAHH! TAKE THAT WOLFGANG!)

4. PERFORMANCE
I like playing the piano for all kinds of engagements - receptions, cocktail parties, weddings, (NO FUNERALS - unless I know the family), musicals, dance recitals, concerts, or just for fun. I like playing alone and with others, and I've been in a few bands. I've played in churches, concert halls, hotels, schools, clubs, homes, and even outside in the streets. I am not the world's greatest pianist (but neither was Mozart - BURNN!), but I was good enough to earn my Bachelors of Music in Performance, and I thank my parents for the gift of piano lessons. Performance is very difficult to maintain when being a teacher. Another thing that is difficult is . . .

5. RECORDING
I have a burning desire and need to record everything I've written. This presents quite a problem because recording takes time and often requires other people to make it happen. Therefore, this becomes more like a hobby that gets focused on when you're able. I've gone from using a cheap cassette recorder, to 4-track machines, to DATs, to ProTools. (No reference to Mozart. They didn't even have electricity.) An amazing thing to happen to a recording is to have it open a door to becoming a stream of income. Of course, I speak of the . . .

6. MUSIC BUSINESS
People always ask me - "Funkyman, how come you don't sell your songs?" Good question. Am I afraid? Yes. I'm afraid of the horrible stories of what happens to one's music and what happens to your individual purity and integrity as an artist. Remember, it's the music BUSINESS. Music is the product. And all financiers care about product is that it makes money. Maybe I shouldn't be so afriad. But the truth is I have over 100 songs that I think are worthy of a greater audience. (Mozart had to deal with business as well, and he didn't much like it either. I feel you my brother.) Until I gather up the courage to go that road, I will continue to play my songs for friends, family, and students, and share some of my compositions in the realm of . . .

7. MUSIC MINISTRY
I have been a church musician for 21 years and I have had a pretty routine schedule playing piano/keyboard/organ during worship services every Sunday for that time. However, recent developments have me not playing at all in any church on Sundays and just attending service like the average parishioner. This is confusing to those who know me, and honestly it's confusing for me, too. However, I find that the demands of being a musician at church require rehearsals, consistent 5 hours of work on Sundays and several other extra services in and around Boston. With composition, teaching, performing, and recording, I've already sacrificed the amount of time I can spend away from my . . .

8. FAMILY - Last on the list but first in my heart, I will refuse to do too much of any of the above if it means sacrificing the life and time I have with my wife and daughter. Many find they have to be away from their family in order to achieve the goals of a career, and that's true to some degree. But every man and woman has to draw the line somewhere, and I draw the line pretty darn close to home. Life is short, and whether or not I figure out the career thing, I want to be able to spend every waking minute I have being in love and being loved.

Composing original music for modern theater, playing/conducting musicals on Broadway, being in a successful band, being an ordained minister - all careers that have eluded me though I once considered them all seriously. What does tomorrow hold? I don't know. I'll have to settle for not knowing and continuing to try to do the many different things I love.

Yes, today it's enough for me to be . . .

- Funkyman

Fantasy vs. Reality

Well, here we are, back again for another season of great TV. I have written more than once about my thirst for fantasy on TV, but I also want that time to be QUALITY time. Therefore, I will rarely begin watching a new show merely because it boasts a sci-fi or fantasy premise. Case in point - Fringe. I will wait for the reviews before wasting my life away in front of the TV trying to be patient and understanding if the show is slow or just bad. If it's good, it will be on again, and I'll be sure to catch it. Smallville was another one. I'm a huge Superman fan, but that doesn't mean I'll drink the Kool-Aid just because it's Superman Kool-Aid. (That was about the weirdest metaphor on this blog to date.)

All that being said, there are some shows that I have to watch because I AM hooked into them already, and I find that it's becoming more and more difficult to keep up with them. Here are the shows I currently cannot live without. Mostly fantasy with a little bit of reality.

8. Maury - I have officially stopped watching Maury, though I still believe the paternity test results shows are the best thing on TV. This past summer, I think I watched 4 episodes a week. Read more on those shows here, if you missed it. But now, there's no time for that. I need to make room for more important shows like the ones below.

7. Ben 10: Alien Force - Now, you're saying - "I've never heard of that show." - and until this past summer, neither had I. I think I saw a commercial for it in passing. It's a cartoon targeted at pre-teen boys on the Cartoon Network. I am not a pre-teen boy, BUT I used to be, so I can relate. Don't judge me! I love this show. It's about a boy who finds a watch from outerspace that attaches itself to his wrist permanently and gives him the ability to become 10 different alien lifeforms. In the original series, Ben 10, Ben Tennyson is a 10-year old kid who uses his newfound powers both to help people and to just have fun, which honestly is what any kid would do with powers like that - super strength, flight, etc. I find it to be refreshingly honest. He's the only superhero ever who is allowed to indulge himself and use his powers for other uses besides helping someone else. Of course, he learns many hard lessons along the way about that, and that's the redeeming educational value about the show. Even though Ben goofs off, it sometimes backfires on him. This new series, Ben 10:Alien Force, is centered on an older Ben in high school, five years after the last series ended, and the show is darker and more mature. Anyway, I'm desperately looking for an adult size Ben 10 T-shirt, but they only come in kids' sizes, so if you know anyone . . . Hey! Don't judge me!

6. Making the Band 4 - Why do I like this show? I don't know. Why do you like the reality show you like? Somehow I got hooked into this soap opera surrounding two pop groups formed by P. Diddy. And yes, I like the music. Like any show, the characters are interesting and once they've got you hooked into a story line - you're addicted. This is my guilty pleasure. At least I'm winding down off of my Maury addiction.

5. Battlestar Galactica - I've written about this show before. Click here if you missed it. I'm so patient, waiting for this show to return. Anybody out there know when it will? There's only one season left. What are they trying to do to us?

4. Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles - Talk about shows getting good! The first season of this show stumbled a little but was cool enough to keep watching. Well now, the training wheels have come off, and this show is rocking every week. Man, it's almost too good to be true. Without giving everything away, let's just say they've succeeded in keeping this almost 25 year old story fresh and relevant. That's amazing in itself.

3. Biggest Loser - My wife and I are hooked on this show. I think my favorite part is watching the look on the contestants' faces when they realize, "Hey, this is hard work!" Duh! And they've all seen the show before. Why are they so surprised. I don't have to go on that show to get that those screams of agony are real. That sweat is so real. That exhaustion is way real, and I'm tired just from watching them work out. Of course, I also don't have to go on that show because I lost 133 lbs. last year. Yay! But I digress. Speaking of lost . . .

2. Lost - In my opinion, the best show I've ever seen, but not the coolest thing on TV right now. I am very excited about the 5th season but alas, we have to wait until 2009. I've written about this show before too in case you missed it. Click here. What is the coolest show on TV you ask? Come one, you already know . . .

1. Heroes - Ah, finally. Life is complete and I am whole again. I DVR'd both the two hour series premiere and the one hour prep show. I have written about my mild obsession with Superman before, but now I think I want to be Peter Petrelli when I grow up. I will savor each moment this week as I steal minutes away from my work (and family - too scary for the 4-year old, and my wife isn't interested, but I'm working on her) and watch it slowly. I'm so glad to have a weekly commitment to watching this show. It truly does make me happy. All of life's questions are answered except one:

What color is Superman Kool-Aid?

- Funkyman

Crisis

Welcome to the 75th post of The Adventures of Funkyman. I'm BAACCCKK!! But my mind is heavy.

I am not getting ready for a mid-life crisis, but I can relate.

A mid-life crisis would be defined as the moment in a person's life when they looked back on their life so far and deeply questioned their choices and whether they were the best person they wanted to be. This usually occurs around 40, being that the average lifespan is 77.5 - 80 years. NOT a long time at all, but I digress.

Anyway, I'm slowly (somewhat slowly) approaching 40, and the reason I know I am not in a mid-life crisis is that I'VE ALREADY BEEN IN ONE FOR 12 YEARS! (Thank you Sam Kinison.) If you're anywhere close to my age - 37 give or take 10 years for yourself - you know exactly what I'm talking about.

How is this possible? Easy - we were lied to. When we were kids, adults would say "What do you want to be when you grow up?" We said doctor, policeman, president, lawyer, fireman, astronaut, etc. But what they didn't tell us was that none of these professions, noble as they all are, are what we want to be when we grow up. They are jobs we do to serve mankind and to make money, hopefully in that order. They do become a part of who we are, but they do not define us. The definition of who we are as people is written as we go day by day, thinking thoughts and making choices in order to truly fulfill our real purpose. Our real purpose is . . .

You know, before I get to that, I need to highlight my absence from this blog recently. A lot has happened. I saw a lot of movies that I won't bore you with because they were all pretty sub-standard, except for Iron-you-know-who. I know you're saying, "Funkyman, come on - BATMAN DARK KNIGHT, DUDE!" Yes, the movie was good, but I have a bitter taste in my mouth from the glorification of the villain. I'm sorry if I'm disturbed by the commercialization of the Joker's character on lunchboxes, T-shirts, and toys. This character thoughtlessly kills innocent people and we glorify that as cool? Bottom line, name one villain in the history of comics that has received such praise? (Gangsters don't count; I'm referring to stories targeted at wide audiences including children) I think we're glorifying Heath Ledger's performance of the Joker, and not the Joker himself, but still, not all kids can fully appreciate that. Give me Superman. Better yet give me a good Superman movie, SOON, SOMEBODY, PLEASE! But anyway, I digress again.

I spent my summer days working on Confirmation's new CD project, playing a for a modern dance troupe at the Rialto Restaurant in Cambridge, and spending every remaining minute with my wife and daughter - whom I both adore. We are happy and healthy, and every day I get to experience that is a extra cherry on the sundae of my already blessed life. Finding time to write thoughtful entries for the Funkidiites was difficult, but guess where I am right now? Study Hall - I'm back, baby!

Anyway, as I referred to earlier, I've been in mid-life crisis for 12 years because when I was 25, I felt like I had lived a life filled with blessings that I neither deserved or asked for. God has allowed me to see beautiful things that many people have fought and died for.

I am healthy.
I am not a slave.
I have the right to vote.
I eat every day.
I have two parents who love me and provided for me.
I have an education.
I am surrounded by people, students, and colleagues who appreciate not only the talents God gave me, but me.
I am married to the person God consecrated for me.
I am the father to an angel (in training!).

As we look around the world and see so much hate, war, and lies, I have to be crazy to look back over my life and question my choices, my career, and my very existence, right? Well, not exactly.

If we do not consistently take inventory of what we're thankful for, we will get lost in the mind/spirit game of not knowing the fabric of our existence. What is our purpose?

Religion says our purpose is to worship and serve the Lord.
Humanity says our purpose is to serve mankind.
My parents say my purpose is to take care of them when they get old.
My wife says my purpose is to take out the trash and do whatever she says to do. :-) (Just kidding!)
My daughter says my purpose is to ensure that she makes it to adulthood in one piece.

All of these things are good and true, but they still don't answer the big question - What about me?

The reason we're analyzing our purpose, is because we're really trying to ask the question - What makes me happy? Every decision and mistake we make in life is based on the attempts to answer this question, and we often put ourselves before family, humanity, and God. But notice what all five of the previous stated definitions of purpose have in common - serving someone/something else.

Does happiness and true peace lie within only doing things for others? No, but without these things, we will not know complete happiness. The cool part is if we serve others, we will receive as well.
And the mistake we all make is trying to achieve that happiness on our own WITHOUT serving. We want control, but it never seems to work out does it?

No, it seems the way this life works is - do unto others, and good things will be done unto you. We don't get to control it. We have to humble ourselves and allow the good things to come our way.

So, I'm 37 years old and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but that's O.K. I know what I'm supposed to be doing, and I know where I'm supposed to be.

That's enough, and the "crisis" doesn't seem much like a crisis after all.

- Funkyman

Do You Miss Me?

I miss you too. Funkyman will return! It's been a crazy summer, but I'll be back in business very soon. See you there!

Movie Blah-ging

Since my run-in with Speed Racer, I've had the chance to catch a few more movies on my list. Namely, Indiana Jones & the Kingodm of the Crystal Skull and The Incredible Hulk.

In my humble opinion . . . People are torn about how to critique fantasy franchises.

Con Argument: This is so ridiculous and unbelievable!

Pro Argument: Duh! It's fantasy, get it?

So let's get that out of the way. No one expects an Indiana Jones movie to be believable. HOWEVER, there used to be something called storytelling and pacing, which the Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull outing have neither. And sorry to say, I hated this film.

One of my fondest memories is the summer of 1981. I grew up in Memphis, but in the summers I would often visit my relatives here in the north. And that particular summer, I was staying with my Uncle Robbie here in Boston. I was 10 years old. He took me and my older brother to Dedham Community Theater on a hot July day to stand in line to see "Raiders of the Lost Ark." You know the rest of the story. Yes, I'm the generation of the hardest critics of this franchise, because my adolescence is wrapped up in falling in love with this movie, these characters, and this fantasy world. Yes, that goes for Superman (1978) and Star Wars too (1977). You wanna know about the sequels? Ask me and my friends.

And most people who are honest will admit the following truths about the Indy saga:

1. "Raiders" is the best one of the four.
2. "Temple of Doom" (until now) was the least enjoyable.
3. "Last Crusade" was fun.

If I can expound on these simple truths:

1. "Raiders" is the best not because we fell in love with Indy and we were kids. It's the ONLY one of the four that presents situations that create intensity for the viewer - the boulder scene and the plane escape are our introduction to Indy and of course we're hit like a Mack truck by the grandeur of the display. But that's quickly followed by a multiple-country quest for clues to the lost Ark, and the stops and falls along the way are so well timed and full of real danger and fear, that we're unsure how the movie's going to end. And when you do get to the ending (which no one could imagine), you're left actually breathless. "Raiders" is the best because it's the only one of the four that achieve us feeling like we've been on this journey with Indy.

2. "Temple of Doom" was a complete departure from the "Raiders" framework, which would seem like a good idea. It was a necessary experiment - that failed. Short Round? Musical numbers? Eating mokey brains and bugs? Bugs? Bugs? More bugs? Pulling hearts still beating from a man's chest? Stones? Frakking stones? (BG reference, sorry) No, this was a test of patience for something cool to happen and all I got was grossed out. I still can't watch this one again.

3. "Last Crusade" would have suffered the fate of "Crystal Skull" if not for the following: A really cool "Young Indy" feature at the beginning of the movie - Steven Spielberg at his best. Sean Connery - everyone loves Sean Connery and the chemistry with Harrison Ford was undeniable. Admit it, the Holy Grail is the coolest sought after object in history. Props given. And the final scene with the Knight was really cool. These elements are why we enjoyed the movie, but the rest was forced action and silly bad guys trying to restore the ambience of "Raiders." Nice try, but no cigar. Still, it was enjoyable.

Which brings us to the final (we can only pray) installment. Everything that went wrong in the past has been done times ten here. I love Shia LeBoeuf, but let's get serious, what was he doing in this movie? Every stunt in this movie had no setup to make us care and then they were so over the top that you end up just laughing - nuclear explosions ("quick, get in the fridge!"), killer ants that consume your body in seconds, frakking TARZAN! ("hey I fell off the jeep, let me swing through the jungle with these monkeys!"). And then the still unexplained point behind the Crystal Skull. I mean, was there a prize or not? It seems the only prize was dying a horrible death, but whatever. I had already checked out. And also, wasn't that the EXACT same ending from the first X-Files movie? Ugh!

Have I exhausted this subject? Let's move on.

All I can say about the Hulk is that everyone is way too hard on Ang Lee's version. Yes, the father storyline ruined the movie. Yes, Nick Nolte was actually the star and the Hulk was a side character. Yes, we want more Hulk. However, the Hulk sequences were so good, come on. The dog fight? The escape from the military base? The jaunt through the desert? That was worth the price of admission for me, and I thought they were well done. However, as I've said in the past, great special effects doth not a great movie make. However, what did people expect? It's hard to make these comic book adaptations.

So the door was wide open for the new Hulk. Honestly, it was better, but not much. I could have done with more Hulk and less drama, just like the first go-round, except this time the drama was relevant. I also dig the Avengers angle they're sticking in there. Bottom line, there's potential for more here, where there was none after Ang Lee's attempt. Worth seeing on the big screen? - DEFINITELY. Best comic book adaptation? - DEFINITELY NOT.

And a quick recap of the other movies on my list:

Sex & the City - Haven't seen it yet, but glad it was well-received. Probably catch it on DVD. Funds are tight.
Kung-Fu Panda - My daughter is afraid of the evil character so we couldn't see it. I'm going to try to catch it in IMAX by myself. Gotta love IMAX!
Don't Mess with the Zohan - DVD rental at best. Why would I see this on the big screen? I like to laugh, but I'm a patient man.
The Happening - Unfortunately it seems my prediction came true. I'm sorry but like Speed Racer, I'll listen to a 100 critics if it means my $11 or a rental.
Get Smart - See "Don't Mess with the Zohan" review.

See you all at the movies! Iron Man rocked!

- Funkyman

Go Speed Racer! (. . . and keep going)

A couple of days ago, a Funkyman reader wrote in that I should give Speed Racer a try despite my instincts and what critics say. I told her that I accept the challenge, and I saw the film yesterday.

Remember that girl in school who looked really good, but when she opened her mouth - Duh?
Remember that president who talked about restoring dignity to the White House and then - Duh?
Remember that movie that looked impressive on screen, but in between the effects - nothing?

So goes the tale of Speed Racer.

You know, I knew that with a $100 million dollar budget and with the creative genius of the Wachowski Brothers that Speed Racer would be different and a sight to behold - however, I learned a long time ago that great special effects doth not a great movie make. And even the effects themselves can take away from the experience.

Here's an example: Try watching Terminator 2 without the liquid metal effects scenes. It's one of the worst movies of all time. The dialogue is ridiculous and the storyline is filled with holes. It's painful. But if you remember seeing it that summer of '91, everyone was raving about "how cool!" - including me. Forgive me, I was a younger man and cool effects can make for a great movie experience, but after it wears off, you're left with trying appreciating the whole package, and it just ain't there.

If I were to judge Speed Racer on its technical feats and computer wizardry, I would say I'm impressed. But I want more. As I wrote last year, I'm looking for both the fantasy and the substance, and if you cut out the driving sequences, Speed Racer is beyond painful, but I will say it is a successful translation from the equally ridiculous cartoon that inspired it. Don't get me wrong - I've been the fan of many a ridiculous cartoon, but that doesn't make them not ridiculous. That just makes me a fanboy. However, while I hold on to some of that childish wonder (Iron Man ROCKED), another part of me grew up and I look back on things I loved as a kid with embarrassment and shame, and a lot of them are Animé or Japanese monster movies- Voltron, Galaxy Express, Starblazers, Ultraman, Godzilla, and yes Speed Racer. The most recent examples of this embarrasment are the Power Rangers craze and Pokemon to name a couple, but throw in Dragonball Z if you must. Fun while you're a kid and then you grow up and look back - WOW!

Coolness IS a factor. And Speed Racer would have been cooler had the animation not been so over the top. Things were so outrageously impossible and so fast that it was hard to appreciate. In the end, it just looked like a lot of stuff going really fast, and the eye couldn't really focus on the drama that should be created by a race.

Now, I saw Speed Racer in IMAX, so it was larger than life, and that made it worthwhile. But it was 2 hours and 15 minutes, way too long for what it accomplished, and that's a shame because the actors weren't bad. I actually enjoyed Matthew Fox's performance as Racer X.

Speed Racer is hardly the worst movie I've ever seen. But my instincts were correct. And for the record, I don't decide what movies to see based on what a movie critic says. However, I do peruse RottenTomatoes.com where they compile the reviews of every movie, and only 35% of the reviewers thought it was good. That's over a 100 critics who described the movie as I have. So, do I listen to a 100 critics? Yeah, when it's going to cost me $11 to figure it out on my own.

Sorry, but unless you're an effects junkie (and after the barrage of color and speed I saw yesterday, I OD'd on effects) don't even rent the video because the effects will be underwhelming on a small screen.

Hey, I kept my word and gave it a shot. I should get points for that.

- Funkyman

Candyland

I'm in heaven. Total heaven.

Last summer I wrote about thirsting for fantasy. Click here if you missed it. However, this summer is cooking up to be the most awesome fantasy movie summer of all time. Between sci-fi, fantasy, superhero, and comic book adaptations - it's a fanboy's dream come true - a Candyland of sorts. And I am also a big fan of GOOD comedies, which are in short surplus. However, a couple of those look promising as well.

Enough chatter - here is Funkyman's Guide to SUMMER 2008 Movies. You're welcome.

Iron Man - May 2 - Already saw it. AAMMAAZZIINNGG. No, it's not The English Patient, but for a comic-book superhero movie, it will rank as one of the best of all time. I would pay full-price to see it again - and that's high praise. It ROCKED!

Speed Racer - May 9 - I think I'll wait for the discount DVD rental. It looked cheesy from the beginning, and after reading several reviews, I could tell that I won't be spending $11 to see this one. Nice try, Wachowskis. You created The Matrix, so you're still cool in my book. Now if I could just forgive you for those two sequels . . .

The Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian - May 16 - Just saw it last night. It was OK. The first one was much better, but I'm a fan of the book series, so I was not disappointed. Nor, however, was I blown away.

Indiana Jones & the Crystal Skull - May 22 - God, PLEASE let this be good because it looks so cheesy. (For more info on the definition of "cheesy" click here.) Raiders of the Lost Ark is one of the best action/fantasy films of all time, and it is at the core of my inner 11-year old nature. I would love to tap into that again (a la Iron Man which ROCKED), but I figure if my hopes start low, I may be happily surprised. I'm rooting for this one.

Sex & the City - May 30 - Not the kind of "fantasy" movie you're thinking of. You people! But, my wife and I are big fans of the show, so of course, we'll be there for the movie. Can't wait - very exciting.

Kung Fu Panda - June 6 - Gotta love Jack Black in anything (except Nacho Libre - what the @#$%?), so we'll give this a shot with my 4-year old daughter. Dreamworks has done OK in the animation department in the past, so I'm sure it's going to be pretty good.

Don't Mess with the Zohan - June 6 - Adam Sandler is a hit-and-miss comedian these days, but I have to say this one looks pretty funny. My guess is it will do very well. Check back in a few weeks to see if my prediction was correct. Besides, how many movies about Israeli soldiers-turned-hairstylists are there? Exactly.

The Happening - June 13 - M. Night Shyamalan - Because he made The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable (one of my favorite movies), I'll continue to patronize his movies, but man has he had some duds - Signs, The Village (UGH!), and Lady in the Water. I'm hoping he can have a comeback with this one, but four bad movies in a row is bad news. Good luck.

The Incredible Hulk - June 13 - Yes, he's back again. A new hulk movie with a more comic-friendly treatment than Ang Lee's 2003 version with Eric Bana. I know we thought Ang Lee - great director, Eric Bana - great actor, Nick Nolte - great villain, what could go wrong? Well on June 13 we'll either have our answer or two films that don't work. Comic book adaptations are hard, which is why Iron Man gets high praise 'cause it ROCKED!

Get Smart - June 20 - TV show adaptations are even harder. But Steve Carell is one of the funniest men alive, so this may work. Keep your fingers crossed. I was a huge fan of this show when I was a kid. Glad to see the characters back.

Wanted - June 27 - Another comic book adaptation about a white-collar working man who discovers he is heir to a life as a super-villain assassin. In other words, I'll be there opening day.

Wall-E - June 27 - Pixar's latest offering. They've done fish, bugs, cars, superheroes, toys, and boogie-monsters. I guess outerspace robots are next. Well, they haven't had a bad film yet, so odds are good they didn't plan on making a bomb. I'm sure I'll see this one with the little one as well.

Hancock - July 2 - Will Smith, the king of the July 4 weekend/Save the World movie extravaganza is back as a Superman-like character who has personality issues. If this movie is not Wild, Wild West, it will make a lot of money. It looks really good, and Will Smith, who was amazing in I, Robot, and I am Legend looks promising as this character.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army - July 11 - Comic book adaptation #4 - Woo-hoo! The first Hellboy movie was superb so of course, everyone is expecting more of the same. I can't explain Hellboy in a sentence or two so google it if you're curious.

The Dark Knight - July 18 - Comic book adaptation #5 - Whoa! Ah, at last Christian Bale returns to reprise as Bruce Wayne in the movie that follows the ultra-successful Batman Begins. And we have Heath Ledger's last performance to boot. This will do quite well. Can't wait, because Iron Man ROCKED!

Step Brothers - July 25 - If you saw Talladega Nights and LIKED Talladega Nights, then this is a must-see for anyone who saw the chemistry between John C. Reilly and Will Ferrell. I want more.

The X-Files 2 - July 25 - I thought the first film was a quality sci-fi movie. I'm looking forward to this one as well, though I am not an expert on the TV series. Anyone who is more qualified, feel free to comment. But since it's sci-fi, I'll be there - a rule that has burned me more than once. Let's hope this isn't one of those times.

The Mummy 3 - August 1 - Ditto, and . . . Iron Man ROCKED!

Pineapple Express - August 8 - If you saw Knocked Up or Superbad and LIKED those films, then this is a must-see for anyone amused by the comic stylings of Seth Rogen, who stole many scenes in the 40-Year Old Virgin, another one of my favorite movies. He has since proved himself to be a force to be reckoned with . . . IF you're into this sort of thing.

Tropic Thunder - August 15 - Ditto for Ben Stiller, and of course we have to see Robert Downey, Jr. in black face. That's probably worth the price of admission alone. Oh, and do you know what other movie Robert Downey, Jr. is in this summer?

Star Wars: Clone Wars - August 15 - An animated feature that will probably be better than the last three live action ones. Don't sleep on this. Oh, and you haven't answered my last question yet - IRON MAN, BABY! WOO-HOO!!

As you can see, there is a lot to look forward to in the months ahead. I look forward to updating you on how these films fare in the mind of Funkyman, giving you my in depth analysis and profound perspective on Ameican 21st century cinema. Read my comprehensive review of Iron Man below.

Iron Man - Directed by Jon Favreau. Distributed by Marvel Studio Pictures. Starring Robert Downey, Jr., Jeff Bridges, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Terrence Howard. Released, Friday, May 2, 2008. Running Time 126 minutes. Rated PG-13. This movie rocked.

- Funkyman

I Hope Jesus Doesn't Watch TV

I'm blogging again because I just want to get this off of my chest.

I am sick of Rev. Wright.
I am sick of Barack Obama's "panic mode" campaign.
I am sick of the critics of Obama and Wright.

Barack Obama was the member of a Christian Church for several years. Reverend Jeremiah Wright is a Christian pastor. A lot of the supporters of Wright are Christians themselves. A lot of the critics of Wright are also Christians.

As am I.

If any of these people have one ounce of humility, they would turn off the microphone, step away from the cameras, stop signing million-dollar book deals and going on press tours, live a life that sets an example for others by ACTIONS, not words, and SHUT THE HELL UP.

I apologize for this brief use of profanity on the usually family-friendly Funkyman blog. But, I mean what I say.

This bonfire of the vanities must end. I can't see the truth through all of this smoke.

- Funkyman

A New Era: Part 7

Hello Funkinsians!
So many things to write about, but no time! I'm SO busy this month. Let's see, since I last blogged:

- I hosted the annual High School Gospel Fest here in Boston.
- I did my Spring Concert with Tufts University Gospel Choir.
- I did my Spring Concert with all of my Dana Hall Choirs.
- I did the Make-a-Wish Foundation Gala Event for the second year.
- I conducted my arrangement of the National Anthem at Fenway Park for the second year.

. . then the following day, I . . .

Seriously, April is the busiest month of the year for Funkyman, and thank God it's almost over.

I know you're asking yourself - "Funkyman, how do you relax and wind down from all of this work?" Well I'm glad you asked. The answer of course is - ROCK and RAP - and since I've already blogged about ROCK, you know what time it is.

Of all the kinds of music I've blogged about, this one is the hardest because there are so many wildly different opinions about this genre. Let me start by saying, I'm a child of the 70's, and the first record I ever owned was the Sugar Hill Gang. "Rapper's Delight" was a huge influence on me, and since it was probably my imprint, I love rap songs that are funky and make you feel good about life. About 10 years later, when NWA was singing "Gangsta Gangsta," I felt as if I was already too old to enjoy this music. And it makes complete sense that whoever was 7 or 8 at the time when that song came out was also imprinted - scary tales about life in the inner city, a negative attitude towards women and authority, and a glorification of alcohol and drugs became the definition of "good" rap music.

Now don't get me wrong, "Gangsta Gangsta" is genius, if for the music production by Dr. Dre alone, but also because one of most charismatic and successful rappers ever wrote it - Ice Cube. I grew to love this song, but what separated me from my young counterparts is that I was an adult, and I could appreciate it for its merits, but also criticize it for its problems - a maturity sorely missing in today's hip-hop.

Sugar Hill Gang inspired a generation of New York area rappers who took party music and began to rap about life - not in the glorification of crime - but rather the insight of a poet looking at his/her environment, whether it be socio-economic, interpersonal, or existentialist. These are what we call "Conscious" rappers, and these guys are my heroes. They are the antidote to the songs that glorify the negative images so easily portrayed and often enjoyed by all people. And thus a war is raging.

This war between Commercial success "Rap" and "Real Hip-Hop" continues today, and you'll find most of the people on my list of greatest rap acts are not necessarily commercial success stories. But since when did commercial success equal highest value? So here is my top ten list of greatest rap artists of all time (according to Funkyman).

10. Ghostface Killa - Probably not considered in the highest order when he first hit the scene in 1993 with Wu Tang Clan, especially since he was one of like 11 rappers in this group. Ol' Dirty Bastard and Method Man were more outlandish characters. However, time has proven that pound for pound, not one of the rappers in that group have been as prolific or as consistently lyrically impressive as Ghostface Killa. When this guy freestyles, it sounds better than most people's written rhymes. He has a gift for verbally painting a picture. I highly recommend "Special Delivery ( Bad Boy remix)." Not his greatest song, but an amazing display of how he MAKES a song good.

9. Aesop Rock - The only white rapper on my list is probably the most complex lyricist of the bunch. It would take several listenings to some of his songs to unlock the hidden meanings of his lyrics. He is in a word - ridiculous. I highly recommend "Daylight." It will change your life.

8. Black Thought - The frontman for The Roots is what hip-hop is all about. He can rap about anything and make it sound important, even if it's not - but it usually is. The reason he sounds this way is that he has one of the best voices in rap. You just want to listen forever. He is excellent with metaphors and social commentary. He's the kind of rapper who makes you think and makes you wonder what he's thinking. I highly recommend any of the Roots' albums, but definitely "Things Fall Apart" and the track "The Next Movement." Also, special mention that The Roots are a band - not a DJ with turntables. This is not better, just different - and GOOD.

7. Keith Murray - I love Keith Murray for two reasons - first, he uses his real name, a trait you will find rare in hip-hop, and second, he has one of the best vocabularies in rap and can still FLOW. With an edgy sound to his voice, Keith Murray is full of braggadocio, but always backs it up. He is best when paired with Erick Sermon and Redman, better known as Def Squad. I highly recommend "Full Cooperation" or "Dangerous Ground." I'll refund your money if you don't like.

6. Method Man - Also of the Wu Tang Clan fame, Method Man is by far the most famous and successful member of this group. This is mostly due to his entertaining and forever clever lyrics and delivery which truly are original. Simply put, everytime I hear him rap, I smile. That's a great gift. I highly recommend "Method Man" or "Bring the Pain."

5. Talib Kweli - Nobody doing rap right now is better than Talib. He is true to himself and his music, and if you like to think, he's your man. Highly spiritual and insightful, Talib's lyrics are what modern hip-hop needs the most, and he is one of the leaders of "real" hip-hop. I highly recommend "Get By" or "K.O.S. (Self-Determination)."

4. Mos Def - One of the most gifted artists alive, much less rappers, Mos Def is an amazing poet, rapper, singer, and actor. You will find his album, Black on Both Sides, in my top ten albums of all time. He represents everything good about hip-hop - the fun stuff and the serious. He is undeniable. I highly recommend "Hip Hop" from that album or "Definition" from the group Blackstar - Talib Kweli and Mos Def together on the same album. Yes!

3. Rakim - If you search the web, you will find Rakim at the top of the lists of greatest MC's of all time. Rakim is a lyricist's lyricist. He was probably the first rapper to make every rapper stop in his/her tracks to analyze how he composed a rhyme. Rakim was and is a genius wordsmith, and he also is known for introducing James Brown to a generation of kids who otherwise would not have payed attention. Thank you Rakim and thank you hip-hop. I highly recommend "Juice (Know the Ledge)" or "I Ain't No Joke."

2. Chuck D - The frontman for Public Enemy has long been my favorite rapper. His delivery is so original that NO ONE sounds like him. You can hear him a mile away. And all of his lyrics are social-conscious. His songs transcend music and become political trees ripe with information fruit and food for thought. Coupled with the groundbreaking DJ/producer Terminator X and the ultimate court jester Flavor Flav, Chuck D was the straight man in a crazy musical revolution ahead of its time. He was probably one of the oldest rappers in the game at the time, and his maturity was crystal clear. He definitely had an influence on my life. I recommend "Shut 'Em Down" or "Fight the Power."

1. KRS-One - Ah, but only one rapper can be number one. The Blastmaster, Chris, Boogie Down Productions frontman - whatever you want to call him, KRS-One was and is the most influential rapper alive, and as far as hip-hop is concerned, is the Prime Minister. If you don't have BDP's first album, Criminal Minded, you missed the birth of hip-hop. KRS-One is one of the few rappers who was around at the beginning of hip-hop, and still today is guest appearing on several records - and he still sounds original and amazing. He stresses the importance of education and not settling for the status quo. I highly recommend "My Philosophy" or "Black Cop."

Honorable Mentiions go to hip Old School Hip Hop Heroes - LL Cool J, Run DMC, Beastie Boys, and A Tribe Called Quest - but I stand by my list.

Peace and love to everyone, which is what Hip Hop is supposed to be about.

- Funkyman

Greece is the Word

Hello Funkiputians, I am in America again! (cue James Brown)

"Living in America - got to have a celebration! Owww!"

I was fortunate enough to tour Greece for a week on a concert tour with my Chamber Singers from the Dana Hall School. They sang a couple of concerts and we saw a lot of the country.

There's nothing like visiting another country to make you appreciate . . . what you truly hate about your own. Thought I was going to say love, huh? I do love America and its many freedoms. But while in Greece, I learned some important lessons that make me realize more what we have to work on here.

1. Health Care - My daughter got sick while in Delphi. She's allergic to sesame seeds, and we found out the hard way. As she was close to an anaphylactic reaction, we were fortunate enough to have our tour guide escort us to the hospital and translate for us. She got a shot of Cortizone and was almost immediately better. The doctor gave us a prescription for two medications and we were on our way. The medication - $6 combined. The hospital - free. Need I say more?

2. Yogurt - I eat yogurt everyday for breakfast. I've tried them all. Greek Yogurt tastes like you're cheating, but you're not. Quite an indulgence. Their lemon yogurt tastes like an honest to God lemon meringue pie filling - not a Nutrasweet tease. I was quite impressed.

3. Heroes - Yes we have George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Al Sharpton, and Imus. Quite a cadre of talent yes? Well in Greece they have a few unknown heroes like, um, I don't know . . . HERCULES?! ACHILLES?! LEONIDAS?! THIS . . . IS . . . SPARTA! The original "I Have a Dream" speech. Beat that America. I know you're saying, "But Funkyman, those are legends, not factual history." Well, maybe, but their legends outshine our actual history. I'm sure you'll agree.

4. Monastaries - Yes, we have them here too. But how about built atop 1500 ft. rocks? Sides of mountains? Pictured above, one of the many monastaries of Meteora - buildings constructed over 700 years ago using God knows what lift and pulley technology they had, but it was dangerous and even for our standards today, miraculous. Single-handedly the most impressive thing we saw there.

5. Food - Baklava, Oranges, Souvlaki, Moussaka, Baklava, Tomatoes, the aforementioned yogurt, Baklava, and Baklava - the delicious Greek contributions to world cuisine.
What have we contributed? I'll wait. . .


McDonald's. . .


Wait, that's not a food. I'll keep waiting. . .


You can get back to me. . .


Right after I finish this Baklava.

I'm not bashing America. As I said, I love this country, but it's tough love. All things considered, I'd much rather live in America than Greece. Here's five reasons why.

1. Power Strike - While in Athens, we experienced random power outages for about an hour or so. This was due to the union of engineers striking and not manning the power stations. It could happen in the middle of the night, the middle of the afternoon, you never knew. You could be in the middle of a shower and suddenly - NO hot water - POWER STRIKE. This is a little annoying, but of course we supported their cause. It's just - why did we have to suffer? We're not in power. Get it? Not in power? Anyway!

2. TV - There were about 10 TV stations with only one in English, but even the ones in Greek were just horrible programming. Boring documentaries, weird game shows, melodramatic soap operas - O.K. it DOES sound a lot like American TV, but at least we have more choices and way cooler shows and movies. Prison Break was on 7 nights a week there. Interesting choice of American shows to watch.

3. Smoking - I like living in a smoke-free society. Call me a fascist, but second hand smoke is just disgusting. Let's just say Greeks are not as enlightened yet. They're getting there slowly, but we're way ahead. Almost every hotel and restaurant had smoking in it.

4. Language - English is considered to be one of the most difficult languages in the world. I have to say though that Greek has got to be right up there with us. Spanish, French, German, and Latin are child's play compared to Greek. I take back everything I said about my high school and college foreign language classes.

5. Night Life - In America, there are many things to do with your evening. However, in Greece, our girls were consistently told not to go into town after dark and defintely don't let a man buy you a drink. It's equal to saying yes to going home with him. Wow, where's Beyonce when you need her? (Cue "Bugaboo") "So what? You bought a pair of shoes. Now I guess you think that I owe you."

So, hey, some countries have it over America in a lot of ways, but this is my home, and I'm so glad I live here. As long as we have the freedom to fight for freedom - this is one of the best places on Earth.

Next blog - An exploration of Hip Hop - stay tuned!

- Funkyman

A New Era: Part 6

You been waitin' and debatin' for oh so log,
just starvin' like Marvin for a Funkyman blog
If you cried or thought I died you definitely was wrog,
it took a thought plus I brought David Coleman alog.

Yes, those words are misspelled, but they do rhyme with "blog!"

Wazzup, Funkinians! I know it's been a couple of weeks. A month you say? Dag. Sorry. By the intro, you can see that this week's focus is: Gospel Music! (Thought it was rap, didn't you?) No, L.L. Cooj J's immortal rhymes are not the lead in for gospel music, but since I promised you gospel, you get gospel. We can do rap next time.

You now know that I have studied classical music my entire young life, I have degrees in Performance and Composition from two universities, and that I direct choruses and teach music at the Dana Hall School in Wellesley. What I don't talk a lot about on this blog is my affinity for gospel music. So here's to making up for lost time.

MY GOSPEL RESUMÉ
I grew up in an African American Catholic church. This is significant because during the 70's, a number of black composers/songwriters began writing songs for the Catholic mass in the style of gospel music. I grew up during an experimental era of Black Catholicism where we sang contemporary gospel music for the Benedictus, the Gloria, the Kyrie, the Agnus Dei, etc. As a child, I just thought this was church, but as I grew older and branched out away from my home, I realized what a special experience I had. By the time I graduated from high school, I was playing for my church gospel choir.

When I came to college, my first paying job was as the pianist for the MIT Gospel Choir. Their former musician was the Minister of Music at St. Paul's A.M.E. Church in Cambridge, and there I stayed 14 years as a choir director and musician. During those years, after graduating from college, I became the director of the Boston University (my alma mater) Inner Strength Gospel Choir, where I stayed for 10 years. I have directed numerous gospel choirs all over the Greater Boston area for every age group, and I have led workshops on gospel music, the history of African American music, and the history of the spirituality in African American music at schools, universities, seminaries, and for professional associations. I have my own gospel ensemble called Confirmation, and we have been together for 9 years, recording 3 CD's in the process. I currently direct the Tufts University Third Day Gospel Choir, which is 200 members strong. I also was recently awarded the Thomas A. Dorsey Award from the New England Conservatory. Enough said, on to the tunes!

I told you all of that to tell you I only know about gospel music what feels good to me. My experience has taught me that music is felt as well as heard, but what people truly are changed and moved by is what it FEELS like. So to me, sincerity is everything. There are a lot of insincere artists out there trying to create music they THINK people want to hear. But often, gospel doesn't deal in that because it's almost impossible to be a gospel artist and not be emotionally and spiritually attached to everything you do.

Also, the word "gospel" gets thrown around a lot. There are many kinds of gospel music - traditional, contemporary, urban/hip-hop, Christian rock, Christian rap. This blog focuses on contemporary gospel music, which mostly is by African-American artists wrting in the vein of R&B/Funk/Soul music.

Lots of people ask me, "Rev. Dr. Funkyman, I want to buy some gospel CD's, but I don't know where to start." So, here's your guide to the top ten artists/albums I think will get you on your way. This is a free service of the Adventures of Funkyman, sponsored by . . . well, no one. Like every other list, this one is hard to compile, but these are the albums I've probably listened to and received from the most.

Donald Lawrence & the Tri-City Singers - Bible Stories
A lot of the songs on this album are inspired by stories from the Bible, but the real success is the songwriting. Donald Lawrence is one of our greatest living gospel song artists, and it's on full display here. Suggestions for download are "Stranger" and "Come Lay Your Head On Me."

Donnie McClurkin - Live in London
Donnie McClurkin has a string of popular gospel hits, but this album knocked it out of the park. He is a seemingly effortless soloist with a powerful tenor voice, and the songs here are perfect for him. Suggestions for download are "We Fall Down" and "Great is Your Mercy." You will cry. You will.

Fred Hammond & Radical for Christ- Pages of Life, Vol 1. & Vol. 2
Fred Hammond's Thriller. Fred Hammond is probably my favorite gospel all around artist. He can sing, he can write, and he can play like ridiculous. Every song on this double CD is amazing. Highest recommendation. Download "Let the Praise Begin" or "He's God" or "You Are My Song."

Kirk Franklin - The Nu Nation Project
Kirk Franklin is the best selling gospel artist of all time. This CD has such standout songs like "Revolution" and "My Desire." Of course, Kirk has so many hit songs, that his whole discography is a walk through time with gospel music, but if I were to pick one album, it's this one. It has a little bit of everything - hip hop, worship songs, traditional gospel. It's a tour de force.

Richard Smallwood and Vision- Adoration
Richard Smallwood is gospel's answer to classical music. Many artists are classically trained, but few have used that training on display in the music as Richard Smallwood has. However, this CD is about the songs, and they are amazing. I've probably listened to this CD 1,000 times. Standout songs are "Total Praise" (in my opinion, one of the 10 best gospel songs EVER written) and "Thank You."

John P. Kee & the New Life Community Choir- Show Up
My favorite male gospel singer, John P. Kee is also a songsmith. His songs are very well known and like Kirk Franklin's, there are so many. This album has standout songs like "Made Up Mind" and the title song "Show Up." His style is power-pop with a soul edge - very catchy, very powerful, very good.

Hezekiah Walker & the Love Fellowship Crusade Choir - 20/85
Any one of their albums is amazing - Live in Atlanta, New York, Toronto, London, and even the oldies, but this most recent one is ridiculously good. The production, the songwriting, and the musical gifts are exceptional. It's just an amazing album to listen to. If you're looking for a great choir album, this is it. Download "More Than That" or "Lift Him Up."

Israel and New Breed - New Season
Probably the most important CD in gospel music in the last 10 years. This brought Israel to the forefront of the Praise & Worship movement and made it mainstream. Download "You Are Good."

James Hall & Worship & Praise - God is In Control
Like Richard Smallwood is gospel's ambassador to classical music, James Hall is gospel's ambassador to Broadway. Amazing choir and such difficult arrangements that they are rarely recreated by amateur, local churches. Truly a genius, and truly amazing to behold. "God is in Control" was his biggest hit, and if you hear it, you'll know why.

Confirmation - Give Us This Day
O.K. I'm cheating. This is my group and my songs. But I have to say, it's different, and if you're looking for different, we're it. We use almost every form of music - jazz, classical, hip-hop, as well as traditional and contemporary gospel. Songs to download are . . . all of them. Click here to purchase!

That's it for now. As usual, there are so many artists and albums I'm not mentioning - O'landa Draper, Ricky Dillard, Milton Brunson, Thomas Whitfield, Tye Tribbett to name a few. Go check it out for yourself!

- Funkyman

A New Era: Part 5

A girl asked me once, "Do you just listen to rock or do you REALLY like it?" I would never hit a person, but this was an instance where I would have considered it. What kind of question is that? Well, I'll tell you.

This was during the early 90's when there was a newly raging battle between alternative rock and hip-hop as the "cool" underground movement. You could see it in the pop charts as well. One week, rock was on top, but the next week, a rap song was #1. I thought this was a good thing, but some viewed it as a cultural battle, and some even considered it a racial one. Bottom line was - black people like rap, white people like rock. Of course, we both know that's LUDA! (I'm not helping, right?)

Flash forward to today - Rap won. Hip-hop has taken over the culture, and rock has been desperately trying to find a niche of listeners again. But don't worry rock. I never left you, and I've always loved you. Today, I dedicate my blog to my 10 favorite songs to rock out too. I love hip-hop, but there are some things rap can't do. By the way, this list is not in order. It was hard enough picking 10. Now you want me to rank them?! You're so demanding! Here we go!

"Into the Void" by Nine Inch Nails - "Tried to save myself, but my self keeps slippin' away." Great refrain for a great title for a great song by a great group. Trent Reznor - mentioned in this blog before - is nuts, in a good way. This song is ridiculous, it's so good. Starting with bells and cello, then a disco beat, then a nasty bass line, building to a crescendo of vocals, guitar, and sound effects that near reaches chaos - all the while funky, funky, funky. Pure gold. Download this now. If you don't like it, I'll pay for it.

"Back in Black" by AC/DC - O.K. who doesn't love this song? Is it because the riff is so good? Is it the screaming vocals? Is it because it's funky? Yes, but no. It's because the producer, Mutt Lange (Shania Twain's husband) is a genius. The reason the riff, vocals, and funk sound so tight and good is his fault. We blame you, Mutt! Thank you!

"One Vision" by Queen - This is a group with so many amazing songs, it's not fair to choose one, but as far as rocking out potential goes, I have to give it to this song. You may know this song from the 80's movie "Iron Eagle." "One flesh, one bone, one true religion, one voice, one hope, one real decision." Great groove, amazing guitar solo, and cool drum bridge. They say "one" so much that they end the song "Fried Chicken." Hilarious.

"Nookie" by Limp Bizkit - Hip-hop influenced rock. Haters can hate, but you KNOW you were bobbing your heads to this. Yes, they got annoying. Yes, the song got old. But Yes, the song kicks. Deal with it.

"Fear" by Disturbed - How many rock groups claim Method Man as one of their influences for vocals? I don't know, but this group is amazing. So tight. This song starts simple with a drum track and then about 15 seconds in KICKS IN HARD and then never stops. Great example of hip-hop influenced rock that doesn't sound like hip-hop influenced rock. If that makes any sense.

"Longview" by Green Day - Green Day's first smash hit was on their third album. It took them a couple of albums to get it right, but man is this right. "Bite my lip and close my eyes. Trippin' away to paradise" is a great hook and the band breathes together on those chords. Add Billie Joe's fake British vocals, and you have pure rock delight.

"Ted, Just Admit It" by Jane's Addiction - It was Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" that introduced the 90's to the "song sounds nice/song goes nuts on the chorus" format. They did quite a few more like that, and many other bands were influenced (i.e. Blur's Song #2, Limp Bizkit's Nookie, Green Day's Longview, see a pattern?). However, Jane's Addiction, probably one of the most creative forces in rock in the 90's had a grander idea - one long build-up. This is more reminiscent of classical music or even jazz, and it will feel that way as you listen to this song about mass-murderer Ted Bundy. It couldn't start off simpler - drum and bass, nice and slow - and it couldn't end any crazier - super fast everything and a refrain of "Sex is violent!" It's even crazier live, which I can say I had the fortune of seeing. An amazing song that's not for everyone, but inspires awe in me every time I hear it.

"Lakini's Juice" by Live - Can an orchestra rock? Yes it can. Download this dark song named after the Hindu goddess of destruction. "LET ME RIDE! BURN MY EYES!" The orchestra is uplifting and amazing on this song. Stay with it until the end to get the full effect.

"Abracadaver" by The Hives - Probably my favorite rock band alive right now. These Swedish rockers have mastered the 2-minute garage sound and they perform at such a high level, it makes everyone in the audience smile. You have to see it for yourself. Click here and watch "Main Offender." You will not be disappointed.

"How I Could Just Kill a Man" by Rage Against the Machine - Yet another group with so many rocking songs, it's hard to choose. However, the Renegades album featured their interpretations of rap songs. This song, originally created by Cypress Hill gets a complete face lift. It rocks so hard that it's a crime.

Honorable mention: "Enter Sandman" by Metallica, "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns N' Roses, "Lithium" by Nirvana, "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam, "Just Another Victim" by Helmet & House of Pain, and pretty much every song by Tool.

Next time: Gospel!

- Funkyman

The Weight is Over!

Hello Funkidians,

I know I promised a blog about rock n' roll, but that will have to wait. This week is special because I've reached a special goal. As I blogged back in September, I've had a huge change in lifestyle surrounding my health. No, I did not join "The Biggest Loser" Club, but I can relate. The bottom line is, On January 28, 2008 I reached 100 pounds of weight loss.

I'll have to get some before/after pictures and post them later, but I've lost 10 inches in my waist, gone from a 4XL to XL in shirts, and after being on 240 units of insulin a day, I'm insulin free for six weeks now. My last blood report came back "non-diabetic."

This is NOT a plateau for me. I have no intentions of changing anything that got me to where I am. I will continue with the food plan, the exercise regimen, and the reporting of the food that so aided my battle. I don't want to go back.

So Funkyman has defeated yet another foe - his arch-nemesis Chunkyman. He will continue to blog and fight the forces of ignorance and the inability to be creative.

Onward ho!

- Funkyman

A New Era: Part 4

Hey there Funkiites, I'm back with another installment of my favorite music. So far, we've done pop from the 80's, greatest albums, and classical. It's time for . . . MUSICAL THEATER.

Now look, if you've been reading the Adventures of Funkyman long enough, you know that I love musicals, but I haven't really talked about specifically which ones and why. So without too many opening jokes (sorry the monologue is weak this week), here they are!

11. West Side Story
Hey this is a top ten list, Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim! Better luck in the top 20!

10. Rent
O.K., truth be told, I've never seen Rent. Calm down! "HOW COULD YOU, FUNKYMAN, NOT HAVE SEEN RENT???!!!!" Believe me, it's possible. Not that I haven't had the chance. I actually have it DVR'ed at home just waiting for me. Anyway, I had to include it because in this generation, what musical has had such an impact on the world? Though I haven't seen it, I know almost every song because I'm a choral director and I've had hundreds of students sing songs from the show, whether as solos, duets, or as a chorus. Though I do not believe the songs are as amazing as I want them to be, they are top notch, and you have to hand it to Jonathan Larson for writing a pertinent opera for our times. Much kudos.

9. Ragtime
Unstoppable musical about the turn of the century and the problems faced in America. Beautiful music and immortal performances by Audra MacDonald (coming to Tufts on February 9!) and Brian Stokes Mitchell (who came to Tufts last February!). "Wheels of a Dream" makes you proud of America. "Make Them Hear You" makes you remember America's not perfect, but proud of people who fight for what's right. It's a monumental piece that must be seen.

8. Fiddler on the Roof
Timeless musical about the daily life of a Jewish family living during difficult times. The songs however, are far from sad - "Matchmaker," "If I Were a Rich Man," and "L'Chaim" are some of the most popular songs EVER and always make you smile. My favorite is "Tradition" which is the opening number. It's a great song with an ethnic pulse and a great full cast number. Definitely check it out.

7. The Music Man
This is on the list probably because I had HBO as a kid and this was on like every other day. I must have seen this movie a million times. Robert Preston is the con-man who comes to River City to sell the citizens band equipment, posing as a music expert, when in truth he knows nothing at all. This is quite the oxymoron being that he steals the show in every scene - acting, singing, and dancing. Don't miss 5-year Ron Howard singing the "Wellsth Fargo Wagon." Hilarious and cute. This musical has so many famous songs, I don't have time to list. But it is one of my favorites of all time.

6. The Sound of Music
O.K., who hasn't seen this? Well, until two years ago, me. I've always avoided watching it on TV because it's like 4 hours long! However, it's shown every year like clockwork on network TV. Finally I rented it (I had to do it commercial free) and I realized why everyone loves it so much. Julie Andrews is amazing and the songs for this show are brilliantly crafted. "Do-Re-Mi" is about one of the greatest musical arrangements in history. Surrounded by a depressing vision of Nazi Germany invading Austria, the story of the Von Trapp family (true story) is inspiring. Good stuff.

5. Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
Andrew Lloyd Webber had to make it on to this list somehow didn't he? I mean I couldn't put Phantom or Evita or Jesus Christ Superstar or Cats right? Well those are good, but what pulls my heartstrings is the operatic, non-stop music of Joseph. Maybe I'm partial to the fact that it's a Bible story I love, I don't know. There is a wide range of musical styles in this show and they're all catchy. There's not one song in thist show that you can't hum, and that is an amazing feat. Hats off to Mr. Webber for making a show that EVERYONE can watch, even my daughter.

4. Grease
O.K., how much did I want to be John Travolta as a kid? "I got chills, they're multiplying! And I'm loooosing control!" Oh my goodness - so cool. Why is every song in this musical a classic? This musical must be good because we all overlook or ignore the misogynistic, sexist themes prevalent throughout the story (i.e. Girl changes her hair, clothes, and image in order to appease the insecurities and failures of a man who wants her). But we forget about all that when we hear "Go Greased Lightning, burning up the quarter mile" or "Rama lama lama ka dingity ding de don." Fun is fun. Gotta love it.

3. Wicked
As you may know, I just saw this recently, and I was just blown away. Stephen Schwartz is a great talent, and he wrote some of the most memorable songs ever for this show. It's a great show for women, for there are no real showstopping numbers for men, but who cares? "Popular" is brilliant and hilarious. "For Good" has everyone in the theater weeping. And if you're not on your feet cheering out loud at the end of "Defying Gravity," you're dead. Stephen Schwartz, by no coincidence is also the composer of . . .

2. Pippin
"We've Got Magic to Do" is one of my favorite show songs ever. Ben Vereen had this part written specifically for him, and the combination of 70's rock and soul with his voice is magic. "Corner of the Sky" is every egotistical maniac's anthem, including mine. And "Finale" is just an awesome . . . well . . . finale. This is a great show that covers the gamut of education, murder, politics, religion, sex, and war. The 70's were a great time for the theater, especially for my number one pick.

1. From Justin to Kelly
Just kidding!

1. A Chorus Line
This is number one because this was the show that made me want to be a professional musician. When I was in high school, I became obsessed with Marvin Hamlisch's songwriting, largely sparked by the viewing of the 80's movie version of this show. Of course, most know that movie is blasphemous to the stage show, but I digress. When I bought the original soundtrack, I fell in love especially with the opening number - "I Hope I Get It." I did think it was quite ingenius to write a show about a show. But the music and dancing are so good because only real dancers and singers could play these roles and these characters that are so naked on stage as they bare episodes and secrets about their private lives. Seeing them all stand at the edge of the stage, as we the jury judge their value, makes me value the power of the audience. These characters, songs, and dances are nothing without an audience to appreciate them. This show makes you feel like you're integral to the success of the show.

Well, that's my riff for this week. Next week - ROCK!

- Funkyman

A New Era: Part 3

Hello Funkidians! We're back with part 3 in a series about music that I care about. Why do you read this stuff? I don't know, but I'm flattered. So far I have discussed the impressionable days of my youth with Top 40 one hit wonders and albums and artists that have inspired and impressed me with their creative output, specifically on albums. Today, we switch gears to: Classical Music. Hope I didn't just lose some of you.

Yes, classical music, which by the way is almost a silly label being that "classical" refers to a time in history (1750-1820) that now somehow applies to all academic composition from the Middle Ages to today. What's the story behind that and why it stuck? I have no idea, and no one else really does either. I know its roots are in the early 19th century, but that's about it. Anyway, on to the show.

Classical music compositions have been such a huge part of my life by the fact that I took piano lessons for 15 years, participated in youth symphonies, went to music camps, and majored in piano and composition in school. I've always been surrounded by the 3rd echelon of geeks. The 2nd level is engineering students, and the 1st level is engineering students who play Dungeons and Dragons as ADULTS. I'm quite happy on level 3, thank you very much. We are the musically literate. Do you know that 98% of the world learns music by ear? Music is to be felt and shared, and people are not often turned on by the idea of writing it down, analyzing it, or thinking of new ways to approach it. However, thank goodness these composers did not think this. The following list is the top ten classical compositions that have forever changed how I listen to and love music. If you know the pieces, you'll notice the popular nature of the selections. If you don't know them, I highly encourage you to check them out.

10. Chopin piano works: Nocturnes, Polonaises, Etudes, Preludes, Mazurkas
O.K., so I'll start with a broad range of pieces. Chopin is my favorite composer for the piano so I foundit difficult to choose only one from these collections. Chopin wrote so much for the piano that it's pretty much all he's known for. However, one listen to a nocturne or prelude and you understand why. He simply makes the piano sing. Some of the most famous and honestly, depressing music comes from Chopin, but then he couples those pieces with some of the most brilliantly exciting and difficult piano music as well. Check out: Fantasie Impromptu, Etude #12 (Revolutionary), Prelude #4, and Polonaise in A. You will not be disappointed.

9. Bartok: Mikrokosmos
A 6 volume collection of short works for the piano. Eclectic to say the least, Bartok based much of his compositions on Hungarian folk songs. He was one of the greatest 20th century composers for his use of the folk melodies and for his bold new approaches to string quartets and orchestra music. Dissonance plays a huge role in his music and is almost solely responsible for my own compositional use of dissonance. I loved Bartok as a child because I excelled at playing his music. People looked to me as the 20th century guy. While the other kids were sweating Brahms, I was knee deep in Bartok, Dello Joio, and Shostakovich. Don't hate.

8. Copland: The Tender Land
I simply love opera. It's hard to pick the ones I love the most, but I do recall sitting in Symphony Hall listening to an excerpt from this opera and crying. Enough said.

7. Mozart: Piano Sonata no. 14, K 457 in c minor
I played this piece in high school and at the recital, I messed up so bad that it was shameful. I never forgot that and continued to work on the piece until . . . I'm still working on this piece. I can play it practically perfect now, but it still remains a powerful memory for me. I don't want to mess up in front of people again - especially after working on it so much. Ask me to play it sometime.

6. Beethoven: PianoSonata no. 8, Op. 13 in c minor (Pathetique)
When the Allegro movement begins, you realize why this is such a famous piece of music. Beethoven wrote some of the most dramatic and interesting music to date, and to quote Billy Joel "The beginning of Beethoven's 5th Symphony is not just a briliant composition, it's a great riff."

5. Beethoven's Piano Sonata no. 14, Op. 27 in c# minor (Moonlight)
O.K., so I like piano sonatas! Can you blame me? I was forced to play them half of my life. But everyone knows this one - perhaps the most famous piece of music ever. However, what gets me is not the famous first movement but the awesomely fast and crazy third movement. If you haven't heard this, check it out. Highest recommendation. Very fun to play too.

4. Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue
Again with the clichés! Well, you can hate, but there's a reason these pieces are popular. Rhapsody in Blue is an amazing fantasy that melds ragtime harmonies with orchestral and pianistic virtuosity. You want to call it classical, you want to call it jazz. But in the end, it's Gershwin, and what greater compliment is there for a composer?

3. Schumann Piano Concerto
This piece made me love that I practiced all those years. A beautiful, timeless melody that transports me to every fantasy I ever had to being a concert pianist. I loved playing this piece and I secretly still want to perform it with a real orchestra. O.K., well it WAS a secret.

2. Mozart's Don Giovanni
This would be number one if not for the emotional rollercoaster the next piece takes me on. This is my favorite composition, period. It's by my favorite composer in the genre I respect the most. It has ghosts, sword fights, demons, and lots of women - every comic book lover's dream come true. But it's the music that I love. Every aria and recitative are the perfect stage for the penultimate scene where Don Giovanni (Don Juan in Spanish) defies hell itself supported by some of the most frightening sounding music ever written at that time. Too cool.

1. Rachmaninov's Piano Concerto no. 2, Op. 18 in c minor
You may have not noticed that several pieces on this list are in c minor. Maybe it's like Spinal Tap - "I find that d minor is the saddest of all keys." LOL I don't know what connection c minor has to my life, but I can tell you that this composition makes me cry EVERYTIME I listen to it. That's amazing. That's why this is number 1, often referred to as "Rocky 2," (Rachmaninov pictured above). The entire piece is about 25 minutes long, but the third movement has a theme that tears right through me, and as it builds up throughout the movements, by the time it reaches the climax, I'm literally weeping. So much passion. So much emotion. Darn those Russians! I've never even tried to play this one, but I think I'm going to go listen it to it right now.

Whew! Thas was a heavy, boring blog. Hope you're still here next week. I'll lighten up.

- Funkyman

A New Era: Part 2

Hello, and welcome to part 2 of my blogs on music. Oh yeah, and Happy New Year too. Enough! Music!

Today I will discuss my 10 favorite albums of all time. Note I do say favorite this time, because unlike the individual songs discussed last week, I still hold these albums to be my favorites. Why? A great album is a greater achievement than a great song because it's impossible to have a great album without more than one great song. So here's the Funkyman top ten albums of all time - in my opinion.

10. Whatever and Ever Amen - Ben Folds Five
Every fantasy I've ever had of being a singer/songwriter is fulfilled by Ben Folds on this album. I've idolized Billy Joel, Elton John, and Stevie Wonder my whole life, but Ben took those influences and simplified the true essence of a man and his piano. Backed by just a bass guitar and drums, Ben Folds' songwriting is on display here, and it's a doozie. He manages to blend jazz, rock, pop, polka, and ballads into a euphoric listening experience ripe with hooky pop melodies and harmonies. I can listen to this album all day and night - and I have.

9. The Fragile - Nine Inch Nails
Trent Reznor is the mad scientist of NIN, and he's a very dark person. However, he is one of the few true geniuses of our age when it comes to music. This album is so huge in its scope that it's difficult to write about. The composition, the sound palette, and the pure rage make this album a tribute to the idea of the concept album - first heralded by the Beatles. But man, this ain't the Beatles. Unlike Ben Folds, this album is difficult for me to listen to all the way through because it's so heavy and thought-provoking. I actually regard it in the same reverence as I do great classical works.

8. Back on the Block - Quincy Jones
Quincy Jones is not just one of the true geniuses of our age, he's the leader. We will never be able to repay him for his gifts. So many of us owe our own musicianship and simple love of life to what he's created. This album is no different. Pulling together dozens of artists to make this masterpiece in the 90's, there is almost every kind of music represented on this CD - rap, jazz, R&B, acapella, funk, pop, etc. When I made my own CD, Spirit of the Minstrel, this is what I was subconsciously channeling.

7. Apocalypse '91 - Public Enemy
This is by far my favorite rap album of all time, which is a difficult label to live up to. Like I wrote a couple of weeks ago, I love thousands of songs. However, if one album were to be labeled as the one I've listened to the most, the one I've memorized every word to, the one I've analyzed the most - it's this one. Chuck D is a prolilfic thinker and writer, and Terminator X is one of the most experimental rap producers ever. This is an experiment that succeeded.

6. Black on Both Sides - Mos Def
I have often said that I love Hip Hop but tire of rap. There is a difference. The prince of this difference is Mos Def. He embodies intelligence and self-awareness in the rap community, and he does it with amazing creativity, humor and just awesome music. This album is a tour de force. It honors the old school and is at the same time definitely new school. It will be very difficult for him to ever top this effort. It's his Purple Rain/Thriller. Wonder why this is #6 while I said #7 Public Enemy's was my favorite rap album? That's because this album transcends rap. It's a great album period.

5. Untitled - The Artist formerly known as Prince
Speaking of Purple Rain, I believe that Prince is the most gifted artist alive. He is our Mozart. We will be studying his output for decades after he leaves us. This album is just perfect. He was quite upset that he did not receive the response he thought it deserved, but if Prince ever reads this - I responded. I love this album and I bow to your music majesty. The first song is "My Name is Prince" which is a bragadaccio song about being amazing. Normally this would come off as pretentious from anyone else, but Prince is probably the only man alive who can get away with it. He acknowledges God as the king. He's just Prince. You gotta respect that.

4. Synchronicity - The Police
I have every Police album. I love them all, but this is so outside of their norm that it deserves mention. When the Police began, they basically knew three chords, but they were so tight, they made great music. Listening to their growth over 5 albums is a revelation. Synchronicity is filled with so many different sound landscapes that it's breathtaking. Sting really came into his own as a songwriter, but he could not have made this album without this band. It's like watching your favorite cartoon - pure joy.

3. Songs in the Key of Life - Stevie Wonder
Alright, getting into the top three! I mentioned earlier that Stevie Wonder is an idol of mine, but this album is the standard that all songwriters measure their stuff. Stevie Wonder is music. When he sings, you listen. When he plays keyboard, you dance. When he plays harmonica, you know there's a God. Enough said.

2. The Marshall Mathers LP - Eminem
Nothing could have prepared me for the genius of this album. Yes, it's vulgar. Yes, it's filled with homophobic references. Yes, it dramatizes a murder. I'm sorry, it's true. But I'm also sorry that this is the most well executed and precise collection of beats, rapping, and raw energy I've ever heard. Call it therapeutic. Call it alive and breathing. Call it what you want. It's a lot of things but a bad album it is not. I don't want to meet Eminem or be his friend, but I call 'em like I see 'em. Don't hate.

1. The Wall - Pink Floyd
And finally, number 1. Pink Floyd's The Wall is at the top of the list because these guys did something I didn't think was possible. They made a double-album where EVERY SONG ON IT IS AMAZING. There is no weak link. I have never heard an album, including ones on this list that didn't have at least one song that I didn't think was all that. I was 15 years old when I discovered this album. I saw the whacked-out movie with some friends and was hooked. The album is way better than the movie by the way. It tells the story of a rock star whose personal life is a mess (drugs, failed marriage), and we get to go back to his childhood to learn about why. Every episode and person in his life is a brick in the wall of his life. The most famous song is probably "Another Brick in the Wall pt. 2" with the chorus "We don't need no education." But this is hardly the most impressive song on the album. I still love "Comfortably Numb" and "The Trial" but then again, I love them all. Listening to it is like watching a movie as each song blends into the next non-stop. Some will wonder why "Dark Side of the Moon" isn't on this list. True, that album is equal or greater in its respect from the world, but The Wall touched me more personally and therefore, became my favorite.

I remember being 15 again, discovering the dilliegence and hard work that goes into creating something like this album, and I still marvel at the product, which continues to impress decades after its initial release. At a time in my life when it felt like my wall was crumbling, escaping to this album was one of the things that got me through. Thank you Pink Floyd and all of the other artists who make life sweeter and more colorful by reaching out to us.

- Funkyman

A New Era

Hello Funky-philes, I apologize for not writing sooner. I have been buried alive in concerts, school work, and a sick family. During this time, I did consider writing about these mundane aspects of life, but I couldn't find a way to make it funky. So, it suddenly hit me. What's the one thing that I rarely write about that I have a lot of thought about? Yes, music. I think I've blogged once about music I like. Well today starts a new era. For the next several weeks, The Adventures of Funkyman will discuss his passion and vocation. I will start today with my 10 favorite songs of all time.

Let me begin by saying that I don't have favorite songs anymore. The time in my life has passed that a song sticks out as a "favorite." This list of 10 is very difficult to compile because it draws from the era when I loved a song so much that I searched high and low for the artist, album, and eventual purchase of the cassette (no CD's back then). This era I refer to is - the 80's. These songs made me happy to be alive and the criteria for being on the list is that they transport me back to the time I fell in love with them. I honestly feel like a kid again. Hopefully you will appreciate that I, like you, love thousands of songs. These however made me savor life more and better than the rest. Here they are. Judge as you may.

"Uptown Girl" by Billy Joel - Haters can hate but I still think this is his catchiest, most sing-a-long-able, most make-you-want-to-live-in-the-50's, most want-to-be-in-love song ever. I LOVE THIS SONG!

"Right On Track" by The Breakfast Club - You're saying, "who?" The Breakfast Club (no affiliation with the movie) was once the band for Madonna. They did their own album and had a hit with this song. This is the song that made me fall in love with the iv-m7 chord. I didn't know what that was at the time, but now I still revel in its magic and have used it several times in songs myself. Ultra funky track that still makes me wish I wrote this song.

"On the Dark Side" by John Cafferty & the Beaver Brown Band - O.K. can I tell you how hard it was to find this song in 1984? This was the big hit from the soundtrack to the movie "Eddie and the Cruisers." It didn't do so hot in the theaters, but when it hit HBO, it blow-up-uated. I loved this song so much, and so did a lot of other people, because everywhere I went it was sold out. My family and I were driving cross-country from Memphis to L.A. (summer olympics) and every record store in every city in every state we stopped in was sold out of this soundtrack. I don't even remember the name of the little town in New Mexico that I found that had a copy. I have rarely been that happy. This song makes me remember that trip like it was yesterday. Just a catchy, simple, perfect song.

"You Make My Dreams Come True" by Daryl Hall and John Oates - I loved this song so much, I bought every one of their albums regardless of whether it had good songs on it or not. This song starts with a little funky clav riff that did and still does make me want to jam on the keyboards. Too good. Too good.

"My Sharona" by The Knack - You know the song. You know you love it. The epitome of the one-hit wonder. The greatest catchy song of all time.

"We Close Our Eyes" by Go West - Brilliant synth pop by good song writers, musicians, and singers that never quite got their due. You may be more familiar with their hit "King of Wishful Thinking." But this song made me marvel in the layers of synth sound these guys created. If you ever get a chance, check it out. There's something new happening every few seconds and the song is like a brick house its so solid. I LOVE THIS SONG!

"Into the Groove" by Madonna - Jellybean Benitez is the songwriter/producer of many of Madonna's hits and other 80's stars. Just like "Right on Track," this synth-bass chord progression made me fall in love. It uses the same iv-m7 chord, which I didn't realize at the time. There really are only so many magic tricks you can do with music, but this is a great one. So good.

"Straight Up" by Paula Abdul - I had a mild obsession with Paula Abdul in 1988, like most other teenage boys. Deep down I knew she couldn't sing a lick. I was enamored by her beauty and her dance videos. Sue me. However, this song was amazing, regardless of the artist. The songwriter won songwriter of the year from ASCAP, a prominent society of musicians. A great use of percussion, rock guitar, and synth. A great pop song. A great achievement.

"Night of the Living Baseheads" by Public Enemy - It took me a little while to love Public Enemy. While their albums were dropping, I couldn't get past the noise element of their compositions. However, that all changed in 1991 when they did an album called "Apocalypse '91." Suddenly the world was opened up to me in a new way. I realized the genius of Chuck D, probably my favorite rapper of all time. But better than that, I was able to go back and re-experience their catalog of albums. This particular song is from their highest-rated album "It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back." This anti-drug song starts out with a quote from Farrakhan about how black people lost their identity being brought here from Africa. Then all of sudden, Chuck D screams "HERE IT IS! BAMM!!! AND YOU SAY G-- DAMN, THIS IS A DOPE JAM!!!" The beat, bass, and noise kick in so strong that it makes you wake up even if you're already awake. It's amazing, and it still works. Check it out.

"Mr. Roboto" by Styx - "Secret secret, I've got a secret" Come on haters. This was amazingly catchy. Yes it was campy, too. But this song and album made Styx the superstars they deserved to be. Say what you what about corporate rock sell-outs. These guys were/are amazing musicians and this concept album had everything the 80's needed. Besides, name one other number one hit that has Japanese phrases, robot references, and screams "I'm Kilroy!." Enough said.

O.K. enough of the 80's. Like a said before, there are literally thousands of songs from this era that I love ("Another One Bites the Dust," "Valerie," "I'm Still Standing") but this list of great pop songs make me continue to want to be a songwriter myself. Just the idea of writing a song that gives anyone half the joy that I get as a listener gives me inspiration to keep doing better.

And we should all be so lucky to have that in our lives.

- Funkyman

The Last Bargain Hunt

As a parent, you have to search around a lot of places in order to find a good deal. People don't believe my wife and I when we tell them our daughter's GAP jeans cost $5 each. It's because we were vigilant shoppers that we found that deal. Patience and persistence really pay off.

However, I do draw the line somewhere - Black Friday, or as I like to call it Dawn of the Bargain Hunter Crackheads.

Wanna know what evil lurks in the heart of man? Come with Funkyman and I'll show you.

On Friday, November 25, 2005 I woke up to my alarm at 4:00 a.m. With my belly still full from last night's Thanksgiving dinner, I was up and out on the search for a $99 digital camera to replace the one we already had. Target was having a sale, just like everyone else - Sears, Wal-Mart, K-Mart, JC Penney, Best Buy, etc. Since they opened at 5 a.m., I would get the early-bird start and get there as they opened. Right?

Wrong.

As I drove down Route 22, a mecca of restaurants, department stores, and malls, I began to see long lines of people wrapped around buildings. There's really no telling how long people had been there in order to secure a place first in those lines. I started thinking, "If there's a line like that at Bed, Bath and Beyond Stupidity, then what's it going to be like at Target?!" My fears were valid.

As I pulled into the lot of Target, I suddenly realized that at 5:05 a.m. there were no parking spaces. I drove around for a while to find one, and began my long walk to the door. As I got closer to the building, I could hear the murmur of activity growing louder and louder, like maggots feasting on raw meat (I actually know what that sounds like. Another story for another blog). And then, I walked through the door.

Mayhem. Absolute Bedlam. People running down aisles, people already 30-40 deep in lines at the cash register. As I made my way to the electronics section, I saw that it was too late. I looked for my $99 camera and of course didn't see it anywhere. I asked a salesperson and they just laughed. They LAUGHED. "Oh, those went real quick." REAL QUICK? You've been open for 5 MINUTES! Why would you advertise a great deal like that and not have enough stock to . . .

Duh. It suddenly hit me. They say that if you can't see who the sucker is in a con, it's you. I had been had. I had succombed to the will of marketing and commercialism. They got me up at 4 a.m. looking for that too-good-to-be-true deal. Well, fool me once . . . As I headed back outside, I heard two customers talking. "This isn't too bad. At Wal-Mart a few minutes ago a fight broke out." The other customer replied, "Yeah, I heard about that. My daughter's there. That's crazy."
I promised myself that never again will I leave my house on Black Friday. As a matter of fact, I make it a point not to go to the mall on weekends, especially this time of year because it's not far from that experience.

People aren't inherently evil, but ideas and institutions can be. Do you know what Wal-Mart's slogan this season is? "The more you save, the more Christmas you can give." The more Christmas you can give? So GIVING Christmas means money or gifts? I thought giving money or gifts was how you could CELEBRATE Christmas. I can't GIVE Christmas anymore than I can take it away. Christmas is what it is, and my gifts and the money I save don't determine how great or small it is. It's sad, it's really sad.

I know that this issue will not simply go away, but let it be known - if you celebrate a holiday, enjoy life. Don't get caught up in the nonsense, whatever it is.

So, believe me when I say this, and I really mean it. MERRY CHRISTMAS! I love you all.

- Funkyman

Wicked Cool

I saw Wicked on Sunday. It was amazing. But more amazing than the show itself was what I discovered there. Sit back, and I'll tell you a funky-story.

Funkyman readers may recall that I love the theater. I wrote about it here. I have had a passion for it since I was a child and one of my dream jobs was to one day be a musician in the pit orchestra of a Broadway show. Not the conductor, just the piano guy. I was in love with A Chorus Line, and I really wanted to make that show the one I worked for.

However, during my freshman year of college, A Chorus Line was taken off broadway. What happens to a dream deferred?

Anyway, as life took me different places, I ended up a choir director/teacher in the independent school system here in New England. And in 1996 I met a young man who at the time was in 7th grade. His name was William Van Dyke. He had a quick sense of humor. (Hey, I have a quick sense of humor.) His father was a dentist. (Hey, my dad's a dentist, too!) He played the piano. (Hey, I rock a piano!) And he had a similar dream of being a professional musician. (Hey that's my dream!)

We hit it off almost immediately and were pretty close. His parents and I became friends, and we've stayed in touch beyond his years in high school and finishing college. Last I had heard, he was playing keyboard in a touring company of Wicked. I think you can see what's coming.

So, I'm sitting there Sunday night during intermission, reading through the Playbill to see what songs were in Act 2, when I happened to glance at the Orchestra musicians. There it was: Keyboard - Will Van Dyke.

I ran to the pit orchestra, looked down, and said "Hey, is Will Van Dyke down there?" They said, "Yeah." I said, "Tell him Mr. Coleman is here." They said, "Hey Will, Mr. Coleman is here." I hear a "WHAT?" and there he came running from the back. I hadn't seen him in a couple of years, and I had honestly not put two and two together that THIS touring company of Wicked was his.

I began to tear up because seeing him down there at this show confirmed that he was living my dream, and because I was his teacher/mentor/friend, I felt like I was getting to do it too. That is the gift of teaching that they can't explain to you when you apply for the job.

Well, we're getting together tomorrow to have lunch and hang out and catch up. I can't wait to tell him how proud I am of him, and how he's touched my life by doing something I've always wanted to do. I'm not sad at all that it wasn't me, and it's not a crummy circumstance that my student is doing what I wanted.

It's wicked cool.

- Funkyman

Sick

I'm sick.

It's actually taking a lot of energy for me to sit up and write this blog, but I know that Funky-nation can't go more than two weeks without a blog entry, so you're tireless servant is here to save the day.

On Tuesday, I got a phone call from my daughter's school that she woke up from her nap and began to projectile vomit. We rushed to pick her up, took her home and she spent the rest of the day doing more of the same. No fun. In 24 hours she was fine.

SHE was fine.

Now I think I have it. How could this happen? How do viruses fly through the air into my nostrils? Why is the sky blue? Well it actually isn't blue, David, it's just our perception of . . . anyway! It was rhetorical!

So, rather than blab on with more schizophrenic freestyle prose (is that redundant?), I'll write some accounts of my favorite sick memories. I will preface this by saying that the following depictions are mildly disgusting but funny, so if you're human, you'll understand.

NICHOLAS NICKLEBY
Ah, yes . . . Dickens great story of a young man coming into his own. This surrounds one of my fondest memories of being sick. I had a virus and had to stay home from school. My parents left me at my grandma's house. Ah, yes . . . Grandma's house. Nice and cozy and warm. I got to spend the day in my pajamas with no one around except grandma's TV. Ah, yes . . . Cable. A BBC mini-series dramatic production of Nicholas Nickleby was on, and I spent the day and evening watching it. To top it off, my Grandma made me an entire pan full of her special jello - strawberry jello with pecans and mixed fruit. I made myself a serving and it felt so comforting, so soothing, that I had another and another until I ate the WHOLE pan.

Life was perfect - Grandma's house, pajamas, cable TV, jello . . . until . . .

The first rumble in my stomach was audible. Then another came and it scared me. Suddenly, I realized that - "Hey, I'm sick." I ran to the bathroom and proceeded to return all of Grandma's special jello, nuts, fruit and all into the toilet via my mouth.

Today, I cannot read or watch Dickens without thinking of Jello.


BEETHOVEN
When I was a senior in college, I had to give a full solo piano recital. I played Dello Joio, Beethoven, Liszt, and Coleman (of course). I was also very sick. One of the cool things about being a pianist is not having to worry about getting sick. It's not like singing or playing a wind instrument, because you're only using your hands. Well, this particular day, I had a runny nose, but it wasn't dripping too badly. That is, until the concert began.

There I am in my tuxedo, a concert hall with a full audience, and my nose full of liquid. So I go out and play the Dello Joio. I make it through and run off stage to blow my nose. As I come back out, I remember that the Beethoven sonata was twice as long as the Dello Joio. And sure enough, during the 3rd movement, here comes the long drip out of my nose onto the piano keys. I couldn't wipe it off because both of my hands were quite active. I just prayed no one could see, which the audience confirmed later that they did not. However, it became very difficult to concentrate on my playing when I had a string of mucous extending from my nose to my hands.

Today, I cannot listen to or play Beethoven without thinking of Kleenex.


CINNAMON LIFE
Good cereal! Man I used to love cereal. USED TO! I was in Vermont with my comedy troupe, Guilty Children, and we were staying at a house and doing shows for a local kids' summer camp. I was starving, and I hopped in my car to buy some cereal and milk. CEREAL AND MILK, baby. What's better than that? Yeaaahh. I took it back home, poured myself THREE bowls and was in absolute heaven. HEAVEN! I realized that I had to run back into town to buy more milk. So I hopped in the car and was on my way. About halfway there, my stomach turned upside down. I wasn't sure what was going on. But I did know I had to turn around and head home. To make a long story short, this was the day I realized I was LACTOSE INTOLERANT!!!!!!

DEAR GOD, please kill me. Let this cup pass, and if not, please kill me. We're all out of toilet paper, and oh no, here it comes again - PLEASE KILL ME!

Today, I cannot look at the cereal aisle without thinking of Vermont.


I DO
On my wedding day - yes, my wedding day - I woke up sick as a dog. I had been fine up until then. WHY NOW? I could barely stand out of bed. Lucky for me, all details were done and all I had to do was put on my tuxedo and get to the church. By the grace of God, I made it through the ceremony and the reception, but it's all a blur. I was so delirious that it still feels like a dream. I'm going to go check my marriage certificate again - was it all a dream? Anyway, our honeymoon in St. Lucia made me heal pretty quickly.

Today, I cannot think about getting married without thinking of my wife. (Awwww)

Well, I covered vomiting, diarrhea, and snot all in one blog entry. Not bad. The body is a funny thing. Take care of yourself.

- Funkyman

Concert Mania

Hello Funkymaninites,


The reason I started this blog was to keep friends and family up-to-date with what I'm thinking about and what I'm doing. I've done plenty of the former, now for the latter. Over the next couple of weeks, I am super busy with performances of my choral groups. Here's a rundown:

Dana Hall School - Ah, my first priority. This coming weekend is Parents' Weekend, which for me means four performances in 24 hours. I have a 6th Grade Chorus, a 7/8 Grade Chorus, a High School Chorus, a Chamber Choir, and a Gospel Choir - all who are performing this Thursday and Friday. The ladies of Dana Hall will be singing their hearts out. If you want more info on Dana Hall School, click here.

Confirmation - 8 years and going strong, my gospel ensemble is still rehearsing every week. Last week we sang at a church that I could write TWO blog entries about. It was the single-most bizarre church experience I've had to date. Maybe next week. Up this week - the Archdiocese of Boston presents the Black Catholic Revival, at which we have sung at almost every year of our 8 year history. (I'm a former Black Catholic myself - good peoples). If you want more info on Confirmation, click here.

Tufts University Third Day Gospel Choir - The powerful 170-voice choir has a big concert on Friday, November 30, but before that we will be singing at the World Unity, Inc. Gala Event at the Boston Marriott on November 9. No, I will not be taking 170 people. Just a special 30 or so. If you want more info on World Unity, click here. Also, this choir is mounting a tour of the East coast in February - Brooklyn, Philadelphia, Washington D.C., etc.

Dana Hall Gospel Choir - This year the choir is 75 strong - yes, all girls. We are honored to get to perform at the National Association of Independent Schools People of Color Conference in December. Good times! For more info on the POCC, click here.

Dana Hall Chamber Singers - We just released a CD - "Amor Caritas," we have a performance for the National Association of Boarding Schools in November, and we have a concert tour of Greece planned for March 2008. For more info on TABS, click here.

All of this is going on, and I'm ACTUALLY considering a career change. Can you imagine? I can. I love my life, my work, and the people I work with, but I was born with this glitch that makes me want to climb higher and higher, and for me that means new experiences. No guarantees, but we'll see what happens.

Stay tuned!

- Funkyman

(P.S. - Of course, you know when the blog gets serious, hilarity will ensue next week!)

Last Comic Standing

I am preparing to do a magnus opus.

I have been collecting comic books since I was a pre-teen. My favorite title was the Uncanny X-Men, not to be confused with the X-Men, X-Factor, New X-Men, Astonishing X-Men, X-Force, X-Man, X-Men Unlimited, The New Mutants, X-Men Unleashed, X-treme X-Men, or Ultimate X-Men which actually is a good book too, but I digress. A friend got me into comics one summer when I was at Children's Theater. I spent a couple of summers there, participating in theater productions put together by and starring kids. It was a great time, though it's also where I first began to learn how to curse, but again I digress.

My younger brother, Anthony kept the torch alive when I left for college and was truly unable to sustain the faithfulness to the succession of every issue of Uncanny X-Men. He was also an avid Spider-Man fan - Amazing Spider-Man, not to be confused with Spider-Man, Peter Parker the Spectacular Spider-Man, Web of Spider-Man, Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man, Sensational Spider-Man, Astonishing Spider-Man, or Ultimate Spider-Man which is a really good take on the character, but I digress. He kept the comic book collecting going for years while I was away.

When he went to college, it pretty much ended there. All said and done, we collected hundreds of issues of X-Men and Spider-Man along with hundreds of other random titles, mini-series, and limited editions of other titles. (Can't forget Superman!)

When I began teaching full-time after graduate school, I found myself perusing comic book stores, and finally with some extra cash to spend, started getting back into buying random titles that looked promising (lucrative) or just interesting (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - who knew?!). I subscribed to Wizard magazine which is the editorial of note for the comic book industry, and rekindled my love for this genre. Since then I have amassed a few hundred more books - which brings us to the present.

My mother has recently cleaned out the remains of our childhood lives and has sent north my ENTIRE comic book collection in boxes. We had bagged and boxed the comics long ago, but they are not catalogued or in any order. Therefore . . . My brothers and I will attempt to organize this massive pile of comic books in a couple of weeks. Good times!

Here is a list of my favorite comic book stories. If you're not a geek, you should probably stop reading right about now.

10. Secret Wars - Every hero and villain from the Marvel Universe disappears from their own titles, POOF, literally at the end of each of their respecitve issues, and are taken to a planet that only exists because it's been created from shards of several hundred different worlds. Who could do such a thing - the Beyonder - a character so powerful, the only comparison could be to God Himself. He's bored and wants to watch the villains and heros form teams and fight each other to the death. Doctor Doom, however, finds a way to steal the Beyonder's power and with a flick of his wrist, KILLS all of the heroes in one blow. YES! Isn't that what you would do? There was no, "HA! Bow to my superior power!" or "I bet you're wondering how I did this. Well, let me tell you since you are doomed anyway" NONSENSE. Killing your enemy should be priority number one if your a super villain. Get it? A SUPER villain? Doctor Doom is the real deal.

9. Watchmen - Soon to be a major motion picture, this was a groundbreaking comic because it was quite literally a novel and not just a graphic one. As the detective story unfolds - the world's superheroes are being killed one by one - in between chapters we read diary entries, newspaper editorials, and other creative text that tell layers of the story not seen in the panels of the artwork. It's amazing. Also, none of the "super'heroes have supernatural powers. They're normal people who put on costumes in order to do good. However, we find that the villain responsible for the murders is actually one of the heroes who is planning to kill millions of innocent people in order to, get this, create world peace! And guess what? HE DOES IT! Do you see a pattern here?

8. Infinity Gauntlet - There are five gems out there in the universe that when they come together give the person wielding the gems limitless power, making them quite liteally God. Thanos achieves this feat and to amuse himself, allows all of the superheroes to attack him. He decides to be fair and only use a fraction of his power, just so he can enjoy killing them, which he DOES. HA HA HA HA HA! Gotta love it. You must think by now, I'm rooting for the bad guys. I'm not, but it's fun to watch them win sometime, even if it is for a short time before the heroes find some miraculous way to come back to life.

7. God Loves, Man Kills - This was the graphic novel that turned me on totally to comics. It's an X-Men story that introduces the political and social themes of racism, discrimation, martial law, ethnic cleansing, etc. The X-Men are targeted by politicians to be outlawed and feared by the public. This is the book that inspired the story you've all seen in the movie versions. Great story and great book - not your father's superhero story.

6. Dark Knight Returns - I'm sorry but I never liked Batman . . . until this book. Kudos to Frank Miller - yes the creator of Sin City and 300 - for reigniting the Batman mythology. This Batman does not say POW! BAM! BOOM! like the campy TV show or run around fighting petty criminals and stopping bank robberies with Robin. This Batman is old, tired, and injured . . . and he still can kick butt! Gotta love it. Very dark book, but that's exactly what makes it cool.

5. Superman Returns - Nothing like the Batman reboot. For those of you who follow comics, Superman was killed in 1992 by Doomsday. Yes, that's right - killed. After his death four new Superman-like heroes emerge - Steel, (the new) Superboy, the Eradicator, and a cyborg that turns out to be Metallo. The cool thing is that they all claim to be Superman reincarnated and the public is divided with their favorites and their opinions of who is the real Superman. Of course, none of them are, but as the story ends, the real one comes back to life - don't ask me how - and destroys the evil Metallo. Corny solution but cool finish.

4. Dark Phoenix Saga - The ultimate X-Men story. If you saw the X-Men 3 movie, you know this plot. Jean Grey, a psychic, unleashes an alternate personality who basically is capable of limitless psychic power with the potential to kill entire worlds. AND SHE DOES! Need I say more?

3. Origin - For decades fans have been clamoring for the origin of Wolverine - who is he, how old is he, and how did this happen to him? What a great story of rich family living in a mansion with servants living in sheds out back. The rich family has a sweet, harmless little son and the gardner has a rough-Wolverine looking son. Long story short, when the drama goes down, it's not the servant's kid that rips out claws in anger - it's the sweet little rich boy. To me, this was the ultimate plot twist, and I did not see it coming. And now, you won't either. Sorry.

2. Kingdom Come - Like Dark Knight Returns, this is a vision of Earth in the future, where Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman are all aged into their late fifties. The world has gone crazy and the younger superheroes don't get along and fight for selfish reasons. The old heroes saddle up once again to teach the world about truth, justice, and the American Way. Lots of cool homages to the legacy of these three heroes, especially Batman, who gets to steal all of the scenes because he's the billionaire, sarcastic genius. A lot of fun.

1. Rising Stars - A mysterious ball of energy appears above a small town. The 150 children that were in vitro at the time are then born, all exhibiting superhuman powers. These 150 kids are quarrantined and raised under governmental supervision. As they become adults and attempt to assimilate into society, someone begins murdering the heroes. But the cool part is, everytime one of them dies, the remaining heroes absorb the deceased's energy. Energy cannot be created or destroyed, right? Imagine if 10 die, 50? You get the idea. This is one of the best stories I've ever read - lots of characters, lots of great battles, a murder mystery, and a genius conclusion that really wraps the story up. What happens? You'll have to read this one yourself. I have a copy if you want to borrow it.

- Funkyman

Taboo but Funny

Confession time again.

Today, I'll admit something about myself that many people probably do not know, unless they spend a LOT of time with me.

I have a sense of humor that many would find rude and obnoxious. I don't know how I got this way. Was I born with it? Did I watch too much TV? Did I have the wrong friends? Who's to blame? I really don't know.

You're saying, how bad is it? Here's an example:

Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

I used to laugh my head off at this joke, while people would stare at me in horror. How do I explain why this is funny? My only explanation is two-fold:

1. It's not real.
2. It's so horrible, it becomes funny.

Before you think I'm some creep - check yourself. You do it too in your own way. It's kind of like watching Arnold Schwarznegger go on a killing spree in "Commando." He kills so many people single-handedly that it becomes a joke. Or, it's like watching your friend fall out of his/her chair accidentally - your first reaction is not to help them, it's to laugh. If they hurt themselves, it's not funny, but if not - man, they will never live that down. As a matter of fact, when we see physical comedy in movies or television - especially someone clumsy, bumbling, or just falling down - we laugh our heads off. Why?

Because it's not real, and because we know that it's not real, we're given permission to laugh. That's why I never understood Jackass. That's real , those guys are really hurting themselves, and people are laughing! I still don't get it. I like my jokes fictional in nature.

I admit, laughing at a dead baby falling out of a tree is extreme. However, I would certainly not laugh if it happened for real. Understand? In other words, there are taboo jokes - jokes about things that we're not supposed to call attention to or make fun of - race, abuse, genocide, gender, sexual orientation etc. - but there is a singular line that connects them all - humor. And humor is simply the ability to laugh not at other things, but at oneself. And if you can't laugh at yourself, you've got a problem.

This is not to say I'm going to be laughing if some stranger tells me a joke about black people or overweight people (of which I am both). A joke can be cruel if stereotypes get involved and if the person receiving the joke is sensitive about a certain area. This is cruel. I'm not into that. However, get me around a group of people who can laugh about most anything without taking it too seriously, and let the sparks fly. If I'm around people I know are not sensitive about race, I'll be the first one telling a black joke. The bottom line is no one's getting hurt, as long as there is no malice involved. Again, some would call this rude and obnoxious. I call it taboo but funny.

Some might picture a bunch of white guys standing around cracking black jokes and think that's racist and horrible. But check yourself, my brothers and sisters. How many jokes, stories, anecdotes, about white people have you sat around with your other black friends and laughed about? Heck, just turn on Def Comedy Jam. 9 out of 10 jokes are about sex, but 1 out of 10 is a comment/joke on white people.

Here's a list of my favorite movies because they utitilzed this style of humor:

1. The 40-Year Old Virgin - The best scenes from this movie were cut from the theatrical release. They are specifically the ones that use the "N" word. The"N" word offends me, but used correctly, is ridiculously hilarious. Richard Pryor and Paul Mooney are good examples. It's not the word itself in the end, it's how it's used. Funny is funny.

2. The Big Lebowski - Oh my goodness, I've seen this movie so many times. The scene with the pseudo-memorial service and the ashes? I'm laughing right now thinking about it.

3. Money Talks - Chris Tucker and Charlie Sheen in a movie filled with obvious racial jokes. But who's funnier than Chris Tucker? He makes so many racial references to white people, Latino, black people, Arabs, etc. that you have to just get over yourself and laugh your head off. He's a genius.

4. Undercover Brother - Many called this movie racist. They were all white. This is one of those movies you have to be black to appreciate. Every racial sterotype and discomforting joke had the ring of truth. I saw it three times in the theater. Sorry.

5. Team America - If you haven't seen it, you're not whole. Marionette terrorists? Parodying the musical "Rent?" A marionette love scene (I use that word "love" loosely)? I can't even tell one of the jokes from this movie because kids read this site. However, I can't remember the last time I laughed this hard. I've got to own this on DVD.

Now for the list of movies that got it wrong:

1. Shallow Hal - The fat jokes just don't sustain this movie. In the end, it's not funny anymore and just mean. A perfect example of taking it too far.

2. The Adventures of Ford Fairlane - I'll admit that when Andrew Dice Clay dropped his first album - I loved it. It was everything I love about humor - taboo but funny. However, man did this guy go off the deep end? By the time his second album came out - a double CD - there wasn't one funny joke on the whole thing. This movie didn't save his career either. Too much taboo is not funny. Degrading women ceases being funny if you're not self-deprecating yourself.

3. Freddy Got Fingered - Tom Green equals taboo. Tom Green also equals NOT funny. How could he screw this up? It proves that it takes talent to be funny. Did anybody out there think this was funny? Please respond.

4. Very Bad Things - Five guys accidentally kill a stripper at a bachelor party and then one friend accidentally kills another friend. The bride is O.K. with this, Lady Macbeth style. Why am I not laughing? Please show me the humor in this? Horrible execution of a probably funny premise, but the poor stripper who died accidentally - that's not funny. This is so different from the baby in the tree joke. You're not prepared for that punchline, and you have no connection to the child. This separation from the joke subject does not translate to film well. Film makes you involved with characters and puts your feelings into play. That can eliminate humor if something bad happens.

5. Borat - I struggled with this one because I laughed my head off. But, the more I think about it, when people aren't included on the joke, even after the fact, is that funny for them? I think everyone involved should be able to laugh at something if it is truly funny. Many of his victims did not and do not think what he did was funny, and that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. In the end, I really am laughing at other people's misfortunes - whether real or imagined by them.

Enough for now! I hope you can appreciate my honesty and know that I care deeply about people. I don't know why I have this sense of humor. But I do know that I'm mature enough to keep it under wraps as to not offend anyone. Now you know.

Are we still friends?

- Funkyman

Weighing In

Hello everyone! I have so many topics I want to write about, but I figured this week
I'll be humble and write about . . .


ME - AGAIN! HA HA HA HA HA!

Seriously, though, I know I can ramble on forever about the details of science fiction and pop culture, but I'm going to be personal and write about the major changes taking place in my life. So here's my personal list of five:

1. My Daughter's in SCHOOL! (cue "Psycho Shower Scene" music)

I'm not afraid for Aimée. She is a smart girl who knows how to kick and run from strangers. I'm not afraid for her teachers. They're competent and experienced, and best of all, sweet. I'm afraid for me. I miss my princess. :-(
Aimée is in pre-school full-time because . . .

2. My wife is a full-time teacher - again! (cue "Welcome Back, Kotter" music)

Yes, after 5 years of microbiology research and 3 years of being at home with Aimée, fate has given Fadie a chance to teach Biology (which is what her two degrees are in). She misses Aimée more than I do, but we've learned the only thing that never changes is change itself. We need separation therapy.

3. I'm exercising 6 days a week (cue raucous laughter track from "The Jeffersons")

It's true. For the first time in my life, I myself am my number 1.0 priority. In the past, I've been 1.3 or 1.7 - calling myself first, but knowing when push comes to shove, I'll sacrifice myself to get a job done. No more. I've got both hands on the wheel with my health, which also means . . .

4. I weigh and measure all of my meals (cue Martin Lawrence - "You so Crazy!")

Well, let's just say that I'm on a sponsored food plan - NOT A DIET - and that it requires me to portion my foods correctly. I have seen the success both in my diabetes and in . . .

5. My weight. I've lost 37 pounds in 60 days. (cue the theme from "Rocky")

I am on the path to good health and true happiness. In the past, I thought mental and spiritual happiness was all I really needed to survive. If I had to put them in order, I would have ranked them Spirit, Mind, Body. But now I rank all three equally, and I will not forget.

Today is day 61 of my new life. I will continue to count, because I'm taking it one day at a time, and I do not want to fall back into old habits. So the next time you see me, ask me what day is today, because July 29, 2007 was the first day of the rest of my life. See you next week!

- Funkyman

Star-Quality

What's your sign? Do you know? Do you care? I do.

I am a Pisces, and since I was a child, I've marveled at how accurate astrological signs are to a one's personality. Does it dictate behavior? No. Can they be off? Yes. But there's got to be some truth in this study of humanity that has lasted so many years. Since 2,000 BC to be exact.

While I think it is silly to read a horoscope and plan your day accordingly, there is a real logic to the theory of astrology - that the celestial planets and moons above are somehow in sync with life here on Earth. It doesn't matter if you believe in God or believe in science or somewhere in between - astrology answers and supports all points of view.

To the spiritual person - You believe in a God or a spirit that is more powerful than yourself. You also may believe that things happen for a reason, and that we are all connected in some way through that God or spirit. Astrology is the exact same theory. Could it be possible that connectivity doesn't end here on Earth?

To the atheist/pragmatist - You believe in the scientific method and logic. You may know that mood swings and personailites can be altered by the fluctuation of fluid in the brain. You probably know that the tides and the oceans are dictated by the proximity of the moon to the earth's orbit. Well, if the water on Earth is changing with the position of the moon, could it be possible that the water in us is changing as well?

Anyway, look up your zodiac sign and see if what it says is true for you. Maybe it does or doesn't. It's interesting nonetheless. Here's some random thoughts about people and their signs:

1. As a Pisces, I have had several musical inspirations while either in water or surrounded by it. I have written some of my best songs in the shower or while swimming ("Well Done," "Girls Can Fly," "In Love Again," "Yes"). It's true.

2. Every Leo I've ever met is a bold woman with a strong personality that attracts others. (Hey Eva and Kristin!).

3. Every Taurus I've ever met is very strong willed and likes to do things their way (including my 3-year old, daughter, but then again, that's all kids isn't it?)

4. Every Aries I've ever met lives for the thrill of the moment and likes to lead the way for others (Hey Wis!)

5. The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh is a really, really silly movie about how everyone on this NBA basketball team was a Pisces and they hire an astrologer to help them win games. Starring Dr. J - ouch! (Space Jam was much better.)

6. Scorpio is NOT an Al Pacino movie. (See Serpico)

7. Aquarius is NOT a good name for a child. (Come on, my people!)

8. Libra is NOT a half-lion, half-zebra cross breed. (See "liger" in Napoleon Dynamite.)

9. Gemini is NOT a cricket in Pinnochio (OK, that's a stretch).

10. You will NOT get Cancer if you eat crab. (Wow these are getting bad.)

11. Every Virgo is NOT a virgin. (OK, getting worse)

12. Capricorn is NOT a Halloween candy. (David, come on. Stop now!)

13. Sagittarius has 5 syllables.

Obviously, I'm out of ideas for this blog. Isn't it sad to see the creativity just slowly leak out of my fingers like that? More next week!

- Funkyman

What is Mature?

Welcome home Funkyman readers! I'm back for real. I hope to post weekly like the good old days in May.

What's on my mind today is the growing display of immaturity in our culture. Note I say "display." I do not suggest that people are more or less immature today than in eras past. However, we live in an age where the display of that immaturity has reached new levels. TV, internet, cell phones, etc. have made it almost impossible for you to make a bad decision and walk away without lots of people knowing about it.

We all make bad decisions. We all have bouts of immaturity. However, we all don't get to suffer the indignities of having them played out before crowds of millions of voyeurs looking for an excuse or justifications for their own mistakes. Here are the recent examples of how this has affected our culture.

10. Don Imus - O.K. I'm finally going to address this! I actually blame him less than I do his bone-headed producer for starting the comment off with "Those are some hardcore hoes." The "Nappy-headed" hoes comment from Imus was bad too, but never would have been said without the lead-in. On the other hand, kudos to Imus for having the guts to apologize and go to the team in person to do so. He wins points in my book for that. By the way, he wasn't fired. He lost his job, and HE did it. O.K. now you can discuss amongst yourselves.

9. Rosie O'Donnell - All you have to do is watch the videos of her on The View and see why people do not take her seriously. Her messages are sometimes relevant, but her delivery is horrible. And why be on a show with a bunch of women bickering back and forth - as if this is relevant discussion? Maybe I'm not the target audience for that show, but I question their impact. Debate is great. Bickering is immature.

8. Bobby Brown - New Edition. #1 Hits as a solo artist. Mr. Whitney Houston. But have you seen "Being Bobby Brown?" As my friend Shaunielle would put it - He is a hot mess. This is beyond immaturity. This is criminal. Pray for him, please.

7. David Hasselhoff - Yeah, you might have seen the drunken stupor video on YouTube. But being drunk and having someone videotape it is not immature. He's on the list because of this video. God help you all if you click on it.

6. Cynthia McKinney - The congresswoman who thought it would be a good idea to hit a security guard for doing his job and then hold a press conference about racism in congress. How about the issue of you not wearing your identification, walking into the Capitol building in a post 9/11 world? I'm black, and I was ashamed. Racism in America? Really? Wow - who knew?

5. Michael Vick - "I have a lot of growing up to do." Satan? No. But what a sad case of denying something and then admitting it's true after you lied to everyone. That's two immature things - both played out on talk radio, TV, internet galore. Not a good day for pro-football, black men, or any role model.

4. Michael Richards - I addressed this at length here. It deserves mention on this list, though.

3. Lindsay Lohan & Paris Hilton - Drinking too much is not good. Driving while drinking is worse. Going to jail for it is even worse. Doing it again after jail - what do you call that? A cry for help. Someone please get these women out of the tabloids and into some loving care. Obviously, there is a sickness here.

2. Britney Spears - "It's Britney, bitch!" - If you don't know, that's the beginning of her new song. What else can I say? From teen sensation to totally lost.

1. Bill Clinton - You knew this was coming. I mean of all the mistakes in history. "I DID NOT . . . HAVE . . . SEXUAL . . . RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN! Oh wait, well if you mean those times, then yeah. Define 'sex'. Define 'is.'" Hey Bill, define "stupid." Define "self-centered." Define "busted." Though I'd take him any day over W.

Maturity is simply TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS. It does not mean you and I are perfect. But if you crap without flushing the toilet - own up to it. Otherwise, you make two mistakes and even more if you persist in resisting the mature consequence. Denial is a dangerous, but obviously necessary human illness. What is the antidote? We have it . . .

Forgiveness.

- Funkyman

Catching Up

Ah, school is nigh. Soon you won't have to wait so long for a Funkyman blog update. I'll be back to the glorious freedom of weekly study halls, and my fingers will do the walking. What have I been doing in the meantime? Catching up with one of several amazing television shows that I have missed - Battlestar Galactica. What are the others I would like to catch up on?

Alias
24
The Sopranos (yeah, I know, get over it - I've never seen one episode. It's true.)

Actually, I've never seen one episode of any of those shows. How's that possible, ye duke of pop culture? Well, I know that when something is good, it's best ot watch from beginning to end. Of course, you have to wait until after the beginning to know it's good, and by that time, it's too late. A small price to pay, I think, for the 95% garbage that's on television. That's why we have and love . . .

DVD'S - Thank you Lord. Putting these series on DVD immediately available to the public is the best thing to happen since the invention of the DVD. I love the fact that I can watch LOST on DVD and catch up to every episode from two years in the space of a month. And that's how we like our television - on our time - not with commercial breaks and cliffhangers that leave you hanging often for weeks while they replay old episodes after sweeps week.

I've been faithful to LOST ever since I caught up. Because of online episode viewing, I've been able to be faithful to HEROES. Now, it's BATTLESTAR GALACTICA's turn. I have to say this show is beyond good, and the premeditated plotlines are highly appreciated by this LOST fan who knows the writers are spinning their wheels week to week. However, even with its flaws, LOST remains an amazing experience. Which brings me to the subject of this blog.

Why is TV better than Movies?

For every reason, a movie should be a better experience than a TV Show.

1. There's a bigger budget - More money should equal better talent, the best special effects, more incentive to make more money
2. There's more planning - Movie projects have months and often years for a writer and/or director to formulate a great script and how to shoot it. The careful planning is essential to keep reason #1 in check.
3. Bigger Audience - More people see a blockbuster film in one weekend than a month's worth of television. Your audience is ready and waiting - blow us away!

However, we have learned that time, money, and hype do not always equal a great movie experience. In fact, it's those numerous failures that I believe have turned great actors and directors away from Hollywood and towards the small screen medium.

Do you remember when The Sopranos came out? The reviews were unparalleled. People couldn't believe something of this quality was even on television, much less the movies! HBO's subscriptions skyrocketed. Finally, something entertaining and challenging to watch! I believe this was the forerunner to several great shows, like those mentioned above. Writers began thinking outside of the box and giving us the original ideas and writing that we were starving for.

So how come that hasn't leaked over into Hollywood? Yes there are great indie films and the occasional Hollywood film that pleases, but in general, movies are predictable and often a disappointment. Especially at $9.75 a pop!

I don't know the answer. But I do know that I don't care as long as TV is this good. I haven't been to the movies much this summer at all (though I'm dying to see the Bourne Ultimatum). Thank you creators of Battlestar Galactica and Blockbuster Video. You have given me something to look forward to everyday on TV. I'm doing two episodes a day.

Take that AMC!

- Funkyman

Thirsting for Fantasy

Hey, it's my 50th Post! Cue the horns! Light the fuses! Pour the wine! O.K., you can calm back down. I know I'm not writing much these days. Glad to be back.

During the summer months, don't you long for that awesome movie that everyone can enjoy AND respect? So rare. Among the movie audience there are those that want to be entertained and there are those that want to be challenged and enriched by films. And of course, there's those that want both.

Some people like movies that reflect real life. Some people like movies that cause them to ponder or see life in a new way. Some people like good acting. Some people like good writing.

I like these things too. However, there is a strong part of me that doesn't care about good acting, writing, or its significance to life. That part of me LOVES Science Fiction and Fantasy.

Now, I know you're saying - Funkyman, the best fantasy and science fiction are well-written stories that say something profound about life and/or humanity. True, true. But here's the real question:

What about Voltron? There is nothing really deep about this story except the idea of teamwork, which after one episode is overplayed. Did we love Voltron because it was deep? No, we loved Voltron because gigantic robot tigers are cool. Five gigantic robot tigers that transform into one large robot is even cooler. An electric sword that forms out of thin air just by closing your hands together is the coolest. We loved Voltron because deep down inside, ignoring the horrible writing and the horrible acting, we appreciate COOLNESS. We can forgive anything if it's cool. To quote Gladiator - "Are you not entertained?"

So here's my list of the sci-fi/fantasy movies that weren't so great, but so cool we forgave them.

1. Terminator 2 - Horrible story and worse writing ("Now I know why humans cry" ARRRRGGGHHHH!). BUT OH SO COOL. We never get tired of the liquid metal effect.
2. Transformers - Michael Bay's latest Frankenstein monster. But watch that movie and tell me you don't get goosebumps when you see those CGI cars/planes transform. AWESOME!
3. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace - Jar-Jar Binks was a mistake. 90% CGI was a mistake. But admit it. After 20 years of waiting, seeing those words "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away" made you feel like a little kid. You were grinning ear to ear. Darth Maul was awesome and the lightsaber fight at the end is one of the best ever.
4. Flash Gordon - Nothing in this movie is cool visually, but the Queen soundtrack saved this piece from total annihilation. We still know the music to the theme, and LOVE it. FLASH! AH-AHHHH!
5. Superman Returns - Yes, same as Star Wars. We're glad to have him back, but it was kind of anti-climatic. But, that plane crash scene was worth the ticket price, and I can watch Superman get shot in the eye a hundred times. SO COOL!
6. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring - Calm down. Yes this movie was cool, but come on. How many re-viewings of this are you doing? That's what I thought. Must be a reason.
7. Mortal Kombat - Corny idea, excellent execution. Great music, good fighting, and the special effects were tasteful. Grab some popcorn and enjoy!
8. The Neverending Story - If you saw this movie as a kid and didn't like it, there's something wrong with you. Now as an adult, things like the Rock Eater do seem painfully silly. But Falcor the flying dog - gotta love it.
9. Westworld - At the time, a themepark with a renegade, crazy cowboy robot that looked like Yul Brynner was cool. Upon second watching, it's pretty painful. Somebody please remake this awesome idea of a movie.
10. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves - Everyone belittles Kevin Costner's lack of an English accent, but this movie was a huge hit and you know you liked it. How could you resist Alan Rickman's hilarious Sherriff of Nottigham and Morgan Freeman as the token multi-cultural element? "If you would be free men - FIGHT!" It wasn't perfect, but Robin Hood has yet to have such an epic treatment. Hello - Hollywood?

Now for ten films that I thought got it right on the money:

1. The Princess Bride - Classic story. Awesome humor. Great fight choreography. Watch it more than once? As you wish.
2. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan - Regarded by everyone as the quintessential Star Trek experience. Kirk vs. Khan takes us through mind games, clever escapes, great spaceship battles, and call it bad acting or not, but Ricardo Montalban will be remembered for this way more than Fantasy Island. KHHAAANNN!!! KHHAAAANNN!!!
3. Highlander - One of my favorite movies of all times. Part fantasy, part sci-fi, part swashbuckler, and again, an amazing score by Queen. "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" Indeed. Did you see the sequels? Ugh.
4. Blade - Wesley Snipes defining bad-ass role. Perfect mix of Martial Arts, Horror, and the Supernatural. The fight scenes are amazing and this whole movie just leaks coolness.
5. The Chronicles of Narnia - If you've read the book, you already know how faithful and well done this film adaptation was. You gotta love Narnia. "We love that Chronic - what? - cles of Narnia!" If you don't know this reference, click here.
6. The Matrix - What can you say? When you're the best, you're the best. Hands down the best sci-fi movie in a long time. That's saying a lot for a Keanu Reeves movie. However, I can't remember the last time I smiled ear-to-ear watching a movie and feeling like a little kid. (Oh wait, Phantom Menace, right.) Perfect marriage of martial arts, CGI, and yes, acting.
7. Blade Runner: The Director's Cut - Basically the same as the original but without the voice over by Harrison Ford. It is a revelation. Pure, unadulterated genius. Ridley Scott can die a proud man. Rutger Hauer is the ultimate villain and Harrison Ford is the ultimate hero. Both of them question our own humanity and what that means.
8. Back to the Future - Yeah, that's right. One of the greatest adventures of all time. Michael J. Fox's ultimate everyman role as he teaches his family how to empower themselves. Time travel, a cool car, and amazing comedy. Spielberg (and Zemeckis) has done it again.
9. Serenity - You're saying "Sereni-who?" Go rent this movie and marvel at how good sci-fi is still being made post-Matrix. This is a movie adaptation of a failed TV show - Firefly. Great actors, smart story, great action - great sci-fi.
10. Planet of the Apes - Even though this is oldest film on the list, it still ranks as one of the most significant and poignant films, much less sci-fi, of all time. Great social commentary on religion, race, politics, and war. And, not to mention, the coolest surprise ending to a movie of all time. (Sorry Sixth Sense).

Enough for tonight. I'll try to write again soon!

- Funkyman

P.S. - Want my opinion on Pirates of the Carribean? This series is detestable and not even cool. I want my life back. Other than that, it's great.

I Support the Cool Troops

Hey! I'm bizzack. I know you missed me. I missed me. I told you it would be some time before I would be able to write again, but for all of you thirsting for Funkyman lists, you're in luck this week.

On July 3, I will be in Washington, D.C. at the Pentagon to witness my older brother, Wisdom, get promoted to the rank of Commander in the U.S. Navy. Sound cool? Enough said.

Have you ever wondered which of the armed forces is the coolest? Me too. Here's my list of bragging rights for each of our armed forces division. Coast Guard doesn't count, because we already know they're not the coolest. Necessary and appreciated, but not the coolest. Sorry.

Here's 5 reasons each why . . .

. . . The Navy is the best

1. 75% of the Earth is covered in water.
2. Water beats fire everytime.
3. If we capture your coastline - you're screwed.
4. We can launch PLANES from our ships. PLANES!
5. We can launch MISSILES from our ships. BOOM!

. . . The Army is the best

1. Every war in the history of man has been in some part waged, fought and won by armies on foot.
2. It's easy to blow someone up from air or water, but how about hand-to-hand? That's a real man (or a scary woman).
3. Size doesn't matter. If you have a better-skilled army and/or craftier leaders, you will win battles. (See "300," "Battle of the Light Brigade," "Gideon," etc.)
4. Elvis was in the Army. (Wait is that something to be proud of?)
5. When you list the armed forces, Army always comes first. Must be a reason!

. . . The Air Force is the best

1. 75% of the Earth may be covered in water, but 100% is covered by air.
2. Simplest argument resolution - If I don't like the way you look at me, I'll drop a bomb on you! Deal with that!
3. Air Force just sounds cool. It doesn't work with the others: Water Force? Ground Force? LOL!
4. Can lead to a very lucrative career in commerical airlines.
5. President George W. Bush was in the Air Force. (O.K. 4 good reasons.)

. . . The Marine Corps is the best

1. Has the coolest motto - Semper Fi! (translated from the Latin meaning "Always Fi." - cool!)
2. All of the coolest war movies have focused on Marines, except for ironically "The Marine," which is pretty much life suckage.
3. By far the coolest commercial tagline - "The few, the proud, the Marines."
4. The absolute coolest and nicest formal uniforms of the armed forces - the black, the gold, the red. I want a Marines uniform, too. I just don't want to do the basic training, missions in other countries, serving my country with a gun, and you know . . . earning it part.
5. 4 of our reasons have the word "coolest" in it. Oops, make that 5.

My condolences to the families who have lost loved ones in the war. My thoughts and prayers are with the geniune soldiers of all countries. Come home boys and girls. Come home.

- Funkyman

The "Real" Student

Hello everyone. This is my last entry to The Adventures of Funkyman from the confines of the Middle School at Dana Hall. The school year hath ended and I'll be writing from home or office here on out, and I'll try to faithful every week but no promises.

Yes, I write this blog during a 90 minute Study Hall every week. I proctor about 20 girls who are supposed to be sitting 4 to a table, working alone and quietly. I am a good proctor, and I run a tight ship. That's a difficult thing to do without gaining the ire of your students in the process. Nevertheless, respect is key, both from me and for me. I think I have acheived this.

It does make me think back about when I was a student and how some of my teachers were NOT so successful at this endeavor. How do you make a bunch of kids behave and respect you simultaneously? Ah, the great mystery of parenting and teaching. These are my recollections of people from High School who made it difficult to do both.

ENGLISH
My sophomore year English teacher was funny. He loved to talk about the "real" student.

"Chapters 3 through 6 are due tomorrow, but the real student will have finished the whole book."

"Your papers are due Wednesday, but the real student will have it on my desk by the end of class."

"This exam will be 90 minutes, but the real student will only need 30."

Cute. But one day he made a joke not so funny. Sophomore year focused on literature surrounding racial issues - Huckleberry Finn, Black Like Me, etc. He used to like to call me "Jim" and say "Black Like Coleman." But one day, I had to leave the classroom early to prepare for a school concert, and as I left, he said "Finally! Now we can really talk about this stuff!" Needless to say, I was the only African American in the room. Needless to say, I had a hard time laughing.

BIOLOGY
My high school Bio teacher had to teach this required course to 40 young men every period of the day. A daunting task in itself. However, she did not make it easy for herself. One day while reviewing our exam, a student pointed out that she graded incorrectly. He opened the book, quoted the page and passage in front of the whole class, and she responded, "Well I'm the teacher, and I say it's wrong." Not a good way to earn your students' respect. Therefore, we were not always the best behaved bunch. I tried very hard to stay out of trouble, but one day my lab partner decided to be crazy.

We were dissecting fetal pigs. My lab partner proceeded to break the pig's neck and spine, making it more maneuverable. Then he made the pig do the Snake, the Running Man, and several other Hip-Hop and breakdance moves. I was laughing hysterically. It was so funny that when the teacher called us to the front of the classroom to scold us, we were still laughing. She took it as disrespect, but we were past the point of no return. A teacher needs to know the difference. Sometimes, the kids need to calm down first before you scold them.

LATIN
Wow, my freshman year Latin teacher. What can I say? He didn't know Latin! His pronunciation was often wrong. He often saw students blatantly cheating, and would say "Hey, stop that!" Hey, stop that? But the worst was when he slammed my head into a desk for talking. He had demanded the room be completely silent for the remainder of class. The kid behind me took my pencil off of my desk and I said "Give me my pencil." I didn't even see it coming. The teacher grabbed my head, pushed it back over the desk and beat my head into the desk behind me several times, saying "I said be quiet!" In retrospect, I could have sued the school, but at the time I was just amazed it occurred at all. The guy had serious issues.


MATH
No story here. I loved all of my Math teachers.

BAND
Ah, Band. I actually had a good relationship with my Band teacher. However, he had a troubled personal life and often took it out on us. I won't go into detail, but to give you a taste . . . One day I was whistling in the Band Room, and he came in and said "NO WHISTLING IN THE BAND ROOM!" Let's all think about the logic of that statement. I'll wait. . .

Anyway, I love my High School and I owe my great education to its commitment to excellence. I also believe these positive and negative experiences helped shape me into a better person and a better teacher. Thanks to you all.

- Funkyman

Apple of my "i"

Three months ago, my Apple iPod crashed. I lost over 2,000 song files. Luckily, I had everything backed up on my laptop.

Two months ago, my Apple G3 iBook laptop computer crashed. I lost everything on the hard drive. Luckily, I had everything backed up on my computer at school.

Two weeks ago, my Apple G4 eMac desktop computer at work crashed. I lost thousands of mp3 files, all of my daughter's pictures, and recording sessions for unfinished, unreleased CD's. Luckily, I had everything backed up on my external hard drive.

Last week, my Maxtor One Touch II 300GB external hard drive crashed. I lost everything. EVERYTHING. Luckily, I had all of my recording sessions backed up on another external hard drive. The computer at school got fixed, and I was able to save my daughter's pictures and all of my mp3's.

In the end, I lost a lot of word documents, and random video and audio files that cannot be replaced. The moral to the story is, they taught us to back up, but there really is no security when it comes to digital media. I love Apple products, and I'm looking into buying another one (see picture above), because simply they're superior when it comes to processing audio and video, which I do a lot of. But as you can see, they crash a lot, and as I understand, to say customer service is weak is an understatement. (Ask Marty Barrett.)

Apple has revolutionized the way the world does work, listens to music, and communicates with the world. For those of you who are not familiar with their products, here's a list to help.

iMac - The "i" that started it all. A very powerful self-contained computer/screen unit, as fashionable as it is cool.

iPod - The ultimate mp3 listening device. Store your entire library of songs on one pocket-size device. Easy to organize with . . .

iTunes - The industry standard now in mp3 filing. The iTunes store is the number one online store for music.

iPhoto, iMovie, iDVD - All video products that do just what the titles imply a la iTunes.

iAm - An interactive conversation with God using instant messaging. A cable modem is needed. No dial-up.

iDo - An online justice of the peace marries you to whoever you like. Online marriage registration and ceremonies in 60 minutes! In direct competition with TurboRing.

i-i - A program to help you join the Navy. (Get it?)

i4ni - A program that helps you plot revenge against your foes.

iCan - An online daily affirmation. Helps with self-esteem.

iSuck - An online self-deprecation. Lowers self-esteem.

iRaq - Used only by people in administration, a program that takes all of your other programs and makes them not work. Everyone ends up confused.

iDone - That's not a product. That's the end of this blog.

- Funkyman

Funkyman Update

I have talked about a lot of things this year, and I have stated many opinions and predictions. Here's an update on how these issues are faring today:

LOST - Still a great show, I've seen every episode. The series has lost many faithful viewers. The number one reason is lack of plot movement. Well, they're on an island - LOST. What did you expect?

The Paper Chase - Education is still big business. More graduates walked this year. More people trying to get into grad school. More people broke. Good times!

High School Musical - Let's see, number 1 selling album. Immediately licensed for public performances. High School Musical 2 being shot as we speak, and High School Musical LIVE! touring right now. I guess there are more of us corny people out there than I thought. Unite!

MAURY Paternity Shows - I haven't watched in a while, but you are STILL not the father! LOL. I love it.

Spiderman 3 - Though lots of money was spent on making the picture, it did NOT live up to the hype they started a year ago. How could it? A YEAR IN ADVANCE???!!!

SURVIVOR - O.K., there were no race wars. However, thank God an Asian won. It neutralized the battlefield.

HEROES - THIS IS SO GOOD! I LOVE IT! I'M SHOUTING IN ALL CAPS! SO GOOD!!!!

Tufts Gospel Choir - My first semester went so well, the choir swelled to almost 200 in the second semester. Whoa. We had a great second semester, and I'm looking forward to getting back to work with them in the Fall when we will do a tour.

O.J. Simpson - Recently in the news for getting thrown out of a restaurant because they refused to serve him. Anybody feel sorry? Me neither.

Racial Comments - Well Michael Richards is feeling great right now. The circus surrounding Don Imus's comments made Richards' look like an episode of Reading Rainbow. Race is still a huge issue in this country, and even those who say it's not have to start admitting it is.

Fast Food Hygiene - Anybody see that story about the KFC shut down because of rats? Nasty. Just nasty.
Now I have to wait a week before I can order a Variety Bucket. What am I going to do?

Reading - I'm still not reading a book, though I really want to. Let's pray for the summer!

James Bond 007 - They're starting filming next year! Already excited!

Cartoon Bomb Scares - Not too many lately. Unless you count George W. Bush.

Winter - It's May 17 and Winter is almost over here in New England. That leaves one week for Spring and then 90 plus degree weather for 3 months. Wow. Can we have two weeks of Spring - please?

Lying to Children - I still don't lie to Aimée. However, I think the same's not true for her. Scheming little children! She's still my heart, though.

Only Blonds in the Media - I think they've calmed down a little. I hope it was just a trend.

Online Predators - Popularity of the show is going down. A sign of public sanity?

Late Nights - No comment.

Annie - Finished last week. (Cue Hallelujah Chorus.) Bring on Commencement!

Red Sox - Above is a picture of my Dana Hall Chamber Singers singing the National Anthem at Fenway Park on Saturday. We had a great time and got a great response, and someone even posted the event on YouTube. It's not the best video, but when I get the professional one, I'll post it myself and let you all know.

Next topic!

- Funkyman

Cartoon Fever

I am surrounded by cartoon characters. Let's see: My 3-year old daughter is obsessed with Blue's Clues and Dragon Tales, she wants a Cinderella cake for her birthday party this weekend, next week I'm putting up a production of ANNIE (based on a comic strip) and I'm wearing a Superman shirt. (You KNOW!)

You know what the coolest thing about cartoons is? It's often intended for children, but it's made by adults! And too often, the adult cartoon creators throw references in so called "kids' entertainment" that are clearly adult references or humor. So here is my list of the top ten questionable cartoon references not suitable for younger audiences. Maybe you missed them. Enjoy!

10 - Scooby Doo - Drug Use Advocacy. Let's see. Scooby is dying for this "Scooby Snack." Dogfood right? Wait, Shaggy wants one too? Hmmmm. And when they eat it, they suddenly become brave and do things physically they never would have without the snacks. Right. Do you see a pattern here? Scooby Snacks are obviously drugs. And don't even get me started on Shaggy and his obvious addiction to pot! Call the DEA and search the Mystery Machine!

09 - Bugs Bunny - Cross Dressing. You know when Bugs Bunny would dress up as a girl? He was very cute, and I am still in therapy about my attraction to male rabbits in dresses.

08 - Tom & Jerry - Racism. Hey, you watch that cartoon again and tell me that the maid Mammy Two Shoes is not racist. "Ooh, now Tom. You is bad." Where is Al Sharpton when you need him!

07 - Pokemon - Animal Cruelty. Yeah, let's catch 'em all! Yeah, let's make them live in little balls that fit in my pocket! Yeah, let's make them fight each other! Where is PETA?!

06 - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Bad Health and Hygiene. First off, they were created by toxic waste. Next, they live in the sewer. Third, their dad is a RAT!! Then, all they EVER eat is pizza. Real good role models for children, being that this was the most popular series for several years.

05 - He-Man and the Masters of the Universe - Steroid Abuse & Stupidity. Dude, am I the only one who noticed that EVERY character on this show had the EXACT same physique? Can we get some variety here? These people were all ripped but we never ONCE see them lifting weights or working out? And on another note, at least Superman had glasses to disguise himself. If you can't figure out that Prince Adam is He-Man, you have way bigger problems than Skeletor. I'm sorry but just how many green and orange tigers are there in this kingdom. "Prince Adam, where were you? He-Man was just here!" GET A CLUE!! ARRGGHH!!!

04 - Smurfs - Cannibalism. Yes, Smurfs are cute. Yes, Smurfs are fun. Yes, Gargamel hates cute and fun things. But eat them? What's wrong with you? You have conversations with these creatures, and then you want to cook them? Whatever!

03 - Dora the Explorer - Parental Neglect. Watch Dora and her best friend - a monkey - go on adventures. Watch Dora save people and animals from trouble. Watch Dora travel through time and space to meet weird creatures. Watch Dora talking to a troll. Watch Dora . . . HEY! Where in the heck are this girl's parents???!!! She does have parents - we've seen them. They just let her walk around the world talking to a map, a monkey, and a backpack? I think the clinical diagnosis of this is NUTS. Or as Dora would say "MUCHO LOCO."

02 - Goofy. OK, there's nothing questionable about Goofy, but WHAT IS HE? WHAT IS HE? ANYONE? HELP ME HERE!

01 - ANNIE - Pedophilia. An 11-year old girl who captures the heart and mind of a 40-year old man. They sing songs about "I Don't Need Anything But You" and "Something Was Missing." Hello? Where is Chris Hansen when you need him! "On the next 'To Catch a Predator' a well-known billionaire . . . "

The family-friendly version of ANNIE will be performed on Friday May 11 and Saturday May 12 at 8:00 p.m. at the Dana Hall School in Wellesley.

Check it out!

- Funkyman

Blood Sport

Look at this picture. DId you ever wonder why the catcher is horizontal? I know why. He's a sacrifice.

I've never been a huge sports fan. And yet, I'm surrounded by them daily. I'm not talking about your average sports fans. Yes, that's right - the ultimate fans - Boston fans.

Why shouldn't Boston be the ultimate town for sports fans? Look at the record.

Bobby Orr and the Bruins - Hello?
Larry Bird and the Celtics - Hello?
3 in 4 Superbowl Champion Patriots - Hello?
And of course, there are no fans like those of the Boston Red Sox.

Remember when you were in school and you personally knew the guys on the football team? the basketball team? the baseball team? When they lost a game, you could pat them on the back and encourage them. And when they won - you were so proud that they not only represented you and your school, but you actually took classes with them, knew them when they were kids and couldn't play a lick, heard how they got in trouble at home, saw them at prom, etc. There was a connection. Even if you didn't know them personally, you could at least say - "Yeah, I go to that school. That's my team."

How does this work in professional sports? When sports become a business, how do we make the personal connection to athletes who will be traded at a moment's notice for a better deal? When whoever has the most money can make the best team?

This is why I've never gotten into professional sports. I can relate to school sports for the reasons above. Winning can be fun and uplifting. But in this town, it's downright frightening. This is a quote from WBALTV.Com describing the Boston Red Sox winning the American League Championship in 2004.

"Rowdy crowds overturned cars, threw barrels and climbed light poles, trees, cars and walls. Sixteen people were injured during the post-game rioting, some of them after trying to scale the Green Monster wall at Fenway Park and falling off. About 2:30 a.m., police closed Lansdowne Street after an confrontation between police and fans. One fan, a female college student, was reported critically injured by police trying to break up the crowd. Later it was reported, she died from the injuries."


She DIED?!!


This is from CNN.com after the New England Patriots won their 2nd Superbowl.

"One recent rampage broke out in Boston when the New England Patriots beat the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl XXXVIII. Hundreds of college students took to city streets after the thrilling victory and set fires, broke windows and overturned cars. One person was killed."


KILLED?!!


Man, why is it everytime a Boston team wins, blood must be shed on the altar for the gods of Athletics?

(cue Death Metal music)
"YES! I HAVE GIVEN YOU VICTORY! DRINK YOUR WINE! OFFER ME YOUR SACRIFICE! DO IT! NO, NOT HIM. GET THE WEAK ONE. THE STUDENT! YES! YEEESSS!!!! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Hey, I was excited when the Sox won the World Series. I own Boston Red Sox T-shirts and a couple of Patriots ones too. I'm not hating. I just have no intention of showing up to the Garden, Fenway Park, or Gillette Stadium when we win the next one. These fans are way serious.

"YES! BRING ME THE MUSICIAN! THE ONE CALLED FUNKY-MAN! HE IS RIPE!! WAKE HIM UP!! I SAID WAKE HIM UP!!! BRING HIM TO ME AS AN OFFERING!!!! YOU HAVE YOUR VICTORY!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA! YES! SO FUNKY-MAN, DO YOU HAVE ANY LAST WISHES?? I SAID WAKE HIM UP!!!!"

Anyway, on a side note - May 12, 2007 - me and my choral group will be singing the National Anthem at Fenway Park before the Red Sox vs. Orioles games. I totally plan to leave before the 9th inning just in case.

- Funkyman

Notes

Wow, I've tried to steer clear of serious topics, but how can I not comment on this week's tragedy. See how well I did with the Imus circus? But, I would not be a noteworthy blog if I didn't touch upon these notes.

A note to the families of the victims - While I do not understand or know your pain, I now know more than ever that there is no real safe place for our children except maybe by our sides, sitting at home in front of a fire. My condolences. Whether you believe in prayer or not, everyone's desire is a world free from this type of fear. I'm praying for you and for all of us.

A note to the survivors at Virginia Tech - You have the world's attention. Teach us. Help us to learn.

A note to the killer - Dude, "You all had your chance?" What are you talking about? Then again, what am I talking about? You were obviously disturbed, and now you're obviously not alive. RIP.

A note to the media - Stop playing clips of this guy. Don't you know he made this video and sent it specifically to NBC for this purpose? Why are we celebrating his wishes by granting him all of this air time? We should be focusing on helping the families - send cards and money, and cover actual news stories that are affecting the entire world, including the Virginia Tech faculty and students. Help us get our minds off of the sensationalism. Do we need the play by play of the experts figuring this guy out? This is not helping anything but our understandable yet unhealthy curiosity. This is like driving slowly past an automobile accident on the highway and causing a traffic jam. Well, our minds our jammed up. Get this guy off of the TV and websites. Hasn't he done enough?

Outside of this week's events, here's my top ten list of the most tragic events in my lifetime that shook me and the rest of the country/world up.

10 - Reagan is shot
09 - Pope is shot
08 - Berlin Wall falls
07 - Nelson Mandela is freed (that shook us up in a good way)
06 - Koresh & Branch Davidians Standoff
05 - Catholic Priest Scandal
04 - Space Shuttle Explosion
03 - Oklahoma Bombing
02 - Columbine
01 - 9/11

Finally, here's my top ten list of things we will never understand.

10 - The true nature of man
09 - Who's responsible for the death of JFK?
08 - New Coke
07 - Whitney and Bobby
06 - Britney and K-fed
05 - George Bush and the Iraq War
04 - Sanjaya's fans
03 - Why do bad things happen to good people?
02 - The Matrix 2 and 3
01 - Michael Jackson - The world's greatest entertainer, but I mean, really!

Well, Study Hall's almost up. Time to ponder this week's events and how we're going to be a better world.

- Funkyman

Late Night

You probably thought I was going to blog about Don Imus. Well, for my thoughts on that, refer to my open letter to Michael Richards. Right now, I'm busy watching my favorite talk show . . .

*LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID COLEMAN*

From New England! It's the late show with David Coleman. Tonight's special guests: You . . . you . . . and from "That 70's Show", . . . you! Ladies and gentlemen, Heeeeeeeere's Funkyman!

[raucous applause and whistles]

Funkyman: I stay up so late. No, I mean really late.

You: How late DO you stay up?

Funkyman: I stay up so late that my body parts have filed a class action lawsuit against me for neglect, irreconcilable differences, and physical abuse. I stay up so late that it's become my job to wake the sun up. THE SUN! I stay up so late that I get instant messages from people in China who are at lunch. I stay up so late that Santa Claus just rings the doorbell on Christmas Eve. I stay up so late that Batman often swings by for a cappucino. I stay up so late that vampires drop in so they can check their e-mail. VAMPIRES! I stay up so late that the roaches have left very nasty messages on my cell phone about time and equal use of the house. I stay up so late that I actually SEE music videos on MTV. REAL MUSIC VIDEOS!

You: Wow, that is late.

Funkyman: We'll be back after these words from our sponsor: The Adventures of Funkyman

Hello everyone, and as you know now, I stay up late. I stay up so late . . . enough.

How did this happen to me? I personaly think it's genetic. Yeah, Mom and Dad, it's you, not me. Seriously, though, I stay up late because it has become the ONLY time where I can think clearly about all of my responsibilities as a father, a husband, a teacher, a director, a composer, and a musician. So this is my plight. I work late, but I'm working on curbing it. Please pray for me.

However, while you're praying, enjoy these anecdotes about my late night adventures.

THE FIRST ALL-NIGHTER
Now, I do actually sleep everyday. I rarely pull all-nighters. The body was not designed to handle this kind of abuse well. But, the first time I actually did it was in 1986, during the summer of my Junior year of high school, at the Tanglewood Music Center summer program. Me and some friends were talking and laughing, and it got to be so late that we thought it would be cool to talk and laugh until the sun came up. So, we set up our chairs outside and talked the night away. Sure enough, morning came, and I couldn't believe how great I felt. HA! Staying up all night is easy! HA-HA! Take that, brain! Take that, body! I am the master of my domain! I feel AWESOME!

I was amazed at how I felt no fatigue at all! Could it be I don't actually need sleep? Could it be I have an untapped super power to withstand the need for rest? Am I a mutant? an X-man? This is so cool! Now let's see, I have a piano master class at 1 p.m. so let me go grab my music. Where is it? Oh it's resting on the floor underneath my bed. I'll just climb on the bed and reach under to get it . . .

Picture a twin bed with a 15 year old boy lying on his stomach with the top half of his body hanging off the foot of the bed like a cadaver. Many people had no problem picturing this because I left my dorm room door wide open because, hey, I was just getting my music, right? No sooner had I crawled on that bed did my body take over and I passed out. I woke up 5 hours later in that same position. I missed my class, and now my dorm was laughing and had pictures of my body like it was a crime scene or something.

That was the day I realized I was not an X-man.

Funkyman: And we're back! Our next guest is someone you all know. You! Let's bring you out.

You: I'm already here.

Funkyman: Details, details. Anyway, I hope you liked that story. I have another that centers around moving. Can you please tell me, what in the world is worse than MOVING? Right?

You: Well, there's hunger, cancer, war, AIDS, . . .

Funkyman: Well on that note, another word from our sponsor. Hey you, lighten up a little for my audience.


SECURITY
One of my favorite late night stories deals with moving. What is worse in this world than moving? I digress. We live on campus at a boarding school, and we were moving to a new place. So, my brother Anthony was over one night to help me move literally two houses away on the same street. We were busy packing while he was charged with transporting boxes by foot to and from the new house. Picture this, it was very late, we live in Wellesley, we're black, we're walking the streets carrying boxes - it looks a little suspect. We have campus police, and during one of my brother's walks, the police drove up behind him, wanting to inquire about what was going on. So what does my brother do?

Run.

He ran! Top speed trying to get back to my house. The cops caught up with him, "Hey, hey, hey! We just want to know what's going on?" My brother then informed them he was my brother and that we were moving, and the incident was over. When he told me what happened, I have never laughed so hard in my life. Why did you run, dude? Hilarious.

That was day my brother realized he was not an X-man.

Funkyman: Pretty funny, huh?

Anthony: It wasn't funny if you were there. Hey, how'd I get on this show?

Funkyman: This is my world. Welcome.

Anthony: I want to go home now.

Funkyman: In a minute. First, let's hear one more late night story. This one involves our Dad.


PROCRASTINATION
So it was the end of the school year, and my older brother Wisdom and I were both working on papers that were due the next morning. We were both in high school, and this was the pre-computer/word-processing era where everything was done on a typewriter - footnotes and all. Anyway we were completely focused and working away: type, type, type-type, type-type, type - ding! rrrrriiiccckkk! type, type, type-type, type-type

At about 3 a.m., our father decided to wake up and walk through the house and of course noticed that neither of us were in our beds. We were in the office. Upset because of the lateness of the hour, my father figures now would be a good time to give us a lecture on procrastination. He storms into the room . . .

WISDOM AND DAVID. IT's 3 'O CLOCK IN THE MORNING. WHAT ARE Y'ALL DOING? Y'ALL CAN'T WAIT 'TIL THE LAST MINUTE TO BE DOING PAPERS. YOU HAVE TO BE BETTER THAN THIS. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO IF YOU DON'T FINISH? DID YOU THINK ABOUT THAT? YOU SHOULD BE IN BED. IT'S 3 'O CLOCK IN THE MORNING!

Wisdom and I patiently stared at our father and waited for him to finish. He then left the room. We both looked at each other and then . . .

type, type, type-type, type-type, type - ding! rrrrriiiccckkk! type, type, type-type, type-type

That was the day our father realized we had matured beyond reprimands. That's a scary day for a parent, and our father WAS an X-man, so you can only imagine. What was his power you ask? He has the ability to forget that he's said the same thing to you 37 times before. It's uncanny. (get it?)


Funkyman: Well that's our show for tonight. Tomorrow night we have you, you, and this just in . . . Don Imus.

Peace!

- Funkyman

The Scarlet "P"

Hello everyone out there in Funkyland. Sorry I've been unable to write these last few weeks. We've been on Spring Break, and as you know I can only keep this site alive when I'm deep in the trenches of Study Hall. Well, here we are again.

Like you, over the last few weeks I found myself contemplating the horrors of reality TV. While I receive several guilty pleasures from some reality shows, it does not change the fact that some of them out there are also evil. One of the most seemingly noble reality shows actually is not so noble. I'm speaking of NBC Dateline's "To Catch a Predator."

Now, if you watch the show, slow down. I'm not advocating child molesting. But for those of you who don't know, here's the premise.

In conjuction with local police authorities, Dateline NBC sets up decoys in online chat rooms posing as 13-14 year old boys and girls. Of course, conversations with other web users ensue and they have little trouble finding someone engaging the decoys in sexual conversations. After trust is formed, an in-person meeting is arranged. The man walks into the house which is rigged with hidden cameras, and instead of meeting the teenager, out walks the show's host, Chris Hansen, in a suit, who proceeds to have an interview with the predator. He mockingly asks questions like "What are you doing here?" as if they both don't know, and this is supposed to be the climax of the show. We watch as this person squirms in their seat as the reality sets in that they're busted. Some are sorry, some are in denial, some are scared out their minds. When Chris Hansen is done with them, they leave the house, and are met with at least 5 police officers that scream for them to get on their knees or their faces. They are handcuffed and taken to the police headquarters.

If you think they haven't broken laws, you're wrong. There are laws on the books in many states that an adult's "intent" alone to have sexual relations with a minor is illegal. The e-mail solicitaions are illegal, and showing up at the house is illegal. These guys get what's coming to them. So you say, what's my beef with this? Why do I have a problem with taking child predators off the street and this television medium being used as a deterrent to other current and future predators?

Well, here I go.

My first problem is that the punishment should fit the crime. Yes, set-up stings. Yes, entrap them. Yes, arrest them. Yes, put them in jail and get them help. But when you broadcast their face on national TV, you've done more than make them responsible for their crime. The predators ARE responsible for their possible loss of a marriage, career, and respect. Those things are personal. But now, it's everyone's business. And while it may be my business to know who registered sex offenders are, why broadcast the person on TV as they fall to their lowest point? to be arrested? to cry for mercy? to beg forgiveness? Who are we to judge these people? You could argue that they did this to themselves, but how many of you had millions of people watching you make mistakes in your life? This is their struggle - albeit a horrible one - but a struggle nonetheless. And NBC is cashing in on our disgust for their weakness. I want them off the streets. I just don't think they deserve the public circus that surrounds their arrest. Do we do this to murderers? Catholic priests? politicians? embezzlers? adulterers (well, Cheaters, Inc. - I guess we do)? Anyway, you get my point. Their faces are now synonomous with their weakness, and despite the fact that there is good in everyone, these people have been branded with a scarlet "P" for life. Anything good they ever did or will do will have little significance. Why can't you have the same show with the predator's face blurred? We'll get the interview and the effect, and they won't have to pay twice for their crime.

My second problem is what's with the SWAT team that arrests these guys? I mean does it take five cops to take down one scared-out-of-mind-just-want-to-go-home-as-fast-possible sex predator? Of course this is to scare the crap out of these men, and it's effective. But, I think if Chris Hansen (not the most buff guy) were to say "you're under arrest" these guys would let HIM handcuff them. They're that scared.

My third problem is - is this a deterrent? Is this a new epidemic - men interested in young boys and girls? Sorry, but if you have this weakness, "To Catch a Predator" ain't changing that. You've got a deep-seeded problem that only time, therapy, and Jesus can heal. That's like saying "Cops" deters drug dealers and domestic abuse. Are you kidding? They need those things so they'll have a show! It's obviously not going away. Men have been interested in young girls and boys for millenia. It's an unglamorus part of the human condition.

And last, notice the set-up is surrounding teenagers. If we have to do a show about this, do one about sickos who molest little children like 7 and under. I don't think it's rocket science to figure out how men are tricked into believing 13 or 14 year old girls or boys want to let them have sex. The fact is, teenagers and even younger kids are sexually active. These predators were once kids too. They know. If you're older than 13 or 14, you know too. Kids are engaged in sex very early these days.

I'm talking 5 a.m. here. (Ba dum dum, pishz!)

Anyway, I'm throwing in a joke to yet another serious blog by Funkyman. Please don't stop reading, I've got plenty-o-jokes.

I'm back!

- Funkyman

Blond Overdose

The following is not prejudice. It is a comment. There is a difference.

It is not prejudiced to comment that a lot of terrorists have been Muslims. It is prejudiced to assume one is a terrorist if he is Muslim.

It is not prejudiced to comment that a lot of black people like chicken. It is prejudiced to assume a black person likes chicken.

Therefore, my unprejudiced comment is that the media seems to have an obsession with blond white girls.

You know, if you asked me a few years ago if the media had an obsession with blond white girls, I would have said not really. I mean, I know that there have been very famous and popular blond stars (Marilyn, Farrah, Bo, Suzanne Somers, Suzanne Somers? Anyway), and that there are stereotypes surrounding blond girls about them having more fun, about them being dumb, etc. But a media obsession? That would be going too far.

Until now.

Riddle me this, Batman: Is Britney Spears the only celebrity in rehab? Is Anna Nicole Smith the only Playboy centerfold who died this year? Is Madonna adopting children really that big of a deal? Is Paris Hilton the only blond girl who isn't nice? Is Nicole Richie the only actress starving herself? Is Nicole Richie even a celebrity? WHAT HAS SHE DONE? WHY AM I FORCED TO READ HEADLINES ABOUT HER? I'm just a little upset.

This is a tired and very obvious rant. With all that's going on in the world, why is it when I go to the grocery store (which I do almost every day), the only stories in my eyes' view are about Britney shaving her head? Hey, I'm not suggesting that tabloids write about the war in Iraq. But aren't there more stories than these? I know what you're saying - Angelina Jolie! But she wouldn't be in the news half as much if she weren't involved in the Brad/Jen love triangle (both blonds). I will not overanalyze why this occurs.

Did you know that R&B star Brandy is up on vehicular manslaughter charges and could go to jail for a very long time? 30 Rock Star Tracy Morgan just plead guilty to DUI? Snoop Dogg's in court - AGAIN? Can we have some diversity in the tabloids?

Listen to how crazy I sound. I sound like a scene from Do the Right Thing.

"I need more black people in my dirty tabloid headlines! Where's Macolm and Martin now? Hey Mooky, put some extra cheese on that slice! And Sal, we've been living and working in this country for 400 years, and I ain't leaving until we get some brothers in the Enquirer!"

This has nothing to do with black and white. All I'm saying is there are other stars, white, yellow, tan, brown, and black, with just-as-crazy or even more crazy lives than Britney's. There are much more tragic deaths than Anna Nicole Smith's. And someone please tell Lionel Richie to get his daughter a bagel and peanut butter.

I mean, hello? Gollum much?

My precious.

- Funkyman

Lying To Your Children

I am a parent. I'm pretty sure I have parents. And I'm almost positive they had parents too. Beyond that, I have no living proof that the earth did not begin in 1918. But I digress.
By the way, this is not a picture of me and Aimée!

The number one fear of every parent is: "I'm going to screw up my child." Unfortunately, we all have to realize that our children being screwed up is inevitable, despite our desire for change and meticulous attention to the details of caring for our offspring.

I know, you're saying - "Hey Funkyman, I know plenty of kids who have great family lives and get along great with their parents." You're right. That doesn't mean they're not screwed up, it just means they get along with their parents. Children don't get screwed up just because parents are responsible. No, children get screwed up because LIFE is screwed up. We have to teach our children how to perceive, handle, and react to life. Then we've done our job.

However, over the centuries, a few parental maxims have remained that, while they have good intentions, are NOT TRUE. I will highlight my three favorite parental unintentional lies.

1. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT.

Oh my goodness. This is so famous, I'm sorry I have to break everyone's bubble. First, let's start out by saying that I believe that you should set goals, do your best, and push yourself to expand your limitations. But can I do anything I put my mind to? No.

For example, I cannot beat Serena Williams at tennis. I cannot write a composition more perfect than Beethoven's 9th Symphony. I cannot run a mile in 4 minutes. And no matter how hard I think about it, I cannot be a white man.

You see, this is not to say I can't play tennis, or even very well. I can write great music and may write a perfect composition one